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Bomb sniffing dogs

2010-06-25T15:10:00.002-04:00

Have you ever walked by a bomb sniffing dog with drugs in your pocket and grown concerned that the dog may be on his second career?

On Ageing

2010-06-19T00:53:00.004-04:00

There is little such thing as old, if we die tomorrow we were old yesterday. That is all.

On Spicey Food

2009-10-21T13:57:00.001-04:00

I never liked spicy food. I always thought that it was preposterous that anyone could like spicy food. It seemed made-up to me that anyone actually liked the experience of pain while they ate their food. It seemed more an exhibition of machismo to like spicy food then an actual appreciation of the food. It took me being stoned one day (today) to understand what it is to like spicy food. It's an act of self-mutilation. It's a teenager cutting himself. It's the only thing that's real.

Bill Simmons, king maker: Gus Johnson, recipient.

2009-03-29T15:48:00.001-04:00

Call in Agnostic/Atheist Day

2008-12-11T23:18:00.003-05:00

Call your boss from work on Dec. 25 and ask them where they are.

The national Call in Gay Day seems to have failed due to the haphazard way in which it was put together and, more importantly the struggles of an economy that could claim the employment of individuals willing to sacrifice productivity for ideology. So YFBFB proposes a Call in Agnostic/Atheist Day, in which all who claim no such ideological attachments call their bosses from work on December 25 and inquire as to their whereabouts. "What do you mean you're not coming to work today? It's Thursday, there's work to be done. Who's birthday? I know Joel in accounting took off for his birthday but this is not becoming SOP is it?"

I challenge any boss to question this day's utility.

Sarah Palin's "Radical Right-Wing" Mentors

2008-10-10T12:09:00.002-04:00

This Salon article is fascinating but the use of "radical right-wing" twice in the article and once in the title is self-defeating. It's trendy these days to be as hyperbolic as possible and perhaps it helps attract attention but the article makes clear that the gentlemen at the heart of the story are indeed "radical right-wing"ers. Further, while the use of the term may serve to compel individuals predisposed to dislike Palin to read it it compels others to simply dismiss it as part of the "liberal mainstream media"s agenda.

As a journalism school graduate who has personally witnessed the liberal bias among many of those who aspire to work in media, I'm always shocked at the excesses of supposed responsible, objective journalism. Journalists who have strong political opinions should recognize that they needn't radicalize their stories with unnecessary language. If the story alone doesn't prove their point then they either need to re-examine their beliefs or realize that the story isn't worthy of publication. If it does reinforce their beliefs then they should let the reader come to it on their own. Otherwise the reader already shares that believe or has stopped reading before they get to the nut of the story.

5 AM

2008-10-05T04:57:00.003-04:00

I'm up and drunk, some thoughts:

Sarah Palin's run for the Vice Presidency has upset me to the point that I'm truly concerned for the future of this country. Anyone of even moderate intellect should be able to ascertain that this woman has no business running this country. This is not a matter of politics, this is a matter of competency and frankly she is devoid of competency. She was a tape recorder in the debates and the idea that a debater can legitimately state that they are not going to respond to the moderator's questions is beyond is preposterous.

Also note cards should not be allowed in debates. They're counter intuitive to the concept and antithetical to the purpose.

I'm watching a program called Lockup: Pendleton, its part of the Lockup series about prison life on MSNBC that I've really enjoyed. This program is specifically devoted to a military integration unit that is particularly interesting. Of note - and not addressed in the program - is the racial divide in the unit. This website puts Pendleton's racial breakdown at 54/41 white/black but the military unit seems overwhelmingly white. The show has just reached it's completion and both of the new recruits that they selected were black. They only placed two individuals in the program when they could have placed three so it can be assumed that they were the best candidates but I wonder if affirmative action plays in the selection process. As said it doesn't seem so but I am unaware of the legal requirements therein (and curious if they are required to abide by affirmative action requirements - as they certainly don't seem to be fulfilling them of yet).

This program is wildly conflicting to me. On one side I think the purpose of prison is correctional and redemptive but at the same time its unfortunate to consider that a part of our (The United States) military is made up of ex-cons. There's a perception in the States that northeast citizens perceive the military with condensation, this perception holds a certain degree of weight, unfortunately, but that is because many of the individuals who choose to go into the military in the northeast are indeed criminals or at least miscreants. When I was in high school I was asked to take a piss for a friend who was in AA because he was forced to go there (essentially) for stupidity, to this day I like the kid but he's now a representative of our nation's military. The reason I mention this is that for better or worse (and certainly more for the worse) the perception of the military in the northeast is generally that of thugs and individuals who don't deserve to represent us in international circumstances.

Perhaps I thinking too much of it, and I'm willing to admit that may be the case, but it's wildly disheartening that a man of the quality of David Foster Wallace committed suicide. I've never met him and maybe I'm over sentimental of an author who was one of the best of our generation but if he's committing suicide we must be heading in the wrong direction.

We should be fostering minds like those not allowing for their demise.

Lone Drinker: Vice Presidential Debate Edition

2008-10-02T20:09:00.003-04:00

Sarah Palin is the culmination of everything there is to love about American politics. As the country has fallen deeper and deeper into the abyss I've learned to stop worrying and love the con. There's little doubt in my mind that a McCain/Palin administration would be bad for the country but at this point I'm almost rooting for them to win as it would certainly be America's greatest reality show.

Tonight's debate should be gangbusters and as such I thought a Lone Drinker was in order. Accompanied only by a magnum of La Monica Montepulciano, my computer, dog and television, I will attempt to discern what kills the most brain cells: the wine or listening to Sarah Palin and Joe Biden. 100 dead brain cells for each glass of wine, 100 for each dumb thing Palin says and 200 for each dumb thing Biden says (the glass ceiling still exists in this game).

8:18: Peggy Noonan is on the Daily Show, she's graceful and genuine. I used to think that was absolutely true but this video has completely blurred my understanding of her. It seems like everyone in the public limelight is filled with bullshit up to their talking heads. Glass one.

8:29: Just saw a commercial for the new Edward Norton vehicle (I've been watching Entourage lately) Pride and Glory, looks pretty good or perhaps terrible, can't tell.

8:54: Just had a pre-debate smoke to settle my nerves, I'm so excited I can barely control myself. On glass three.

8:57: I'm watching the debate on PBS. I like to support PBS by watching it even though the numbers mean nothing to their bottom line, 100 dead brain cells for my own stupidity. Also I must mention I ran 7.5 miles today so my extremities aren't working very well, this could come into play in later updates.

9:00: Gwen Ifill's moderating which pisses me off. She has a book coming out about the rise of Black politicians in America set to come out on inauguration day. I generally like Ifill but she has a financial interest in Obama winning and regardless of her bias or lack there of, the appearance of impropriety will give the 'pubs an out if Palin bombs.

9:03: Palin looks hot, Biden just coughed before the first question, this is gonna be great!

9:04: Biden blames deregulation for the failure of Wall St. Delaware has some of the most lax tax laws in the country hence the multitude of corporations who have their headquarters there. Biden 200 brain cells.

9:05: Palin comes out storming with "talk with a parent at their kids soccer game" in distress over the economy. She's been heavily prepped and is showing it, 100 brain cells.

9:09: I hate this maverick shit, Ifill properly calls Biden and Palin on not answering the question posed to them.

9:10: "Hockey mom's, Joe Six Pack," she's a fucking tape recorder, 200 brain cells.

9:13: That's the second time Palin has waved while talking about average or middle American families, that's preposterous, 300 brain cells.

9:14: "I may not answer the questions that you or the moderator want to hear," Jesus, 400 brain cells.

9:17: She waved again, what the fuck? Fuck it, people are probably eating this shit up.

9:20: Palin's waved 3 times but Biden's now pointed at us twice, um who the hell preps these idiots.

9:22: "We cannot slow up on education," good work Joe, 400 brain cells. I'm gonna have to start drinking faster if I want to keep up.

9:26: Opposing windfall profits tax isn't the same as giving a tax cut, sorry Joe, 600 brain cells.

9:27: Palin is butchering a question that I don't even know what it was, she got off topic somehow, yikes, 500 brain cells. Glass five.

9:28: Biden might have just done something genius. Um, no, he tried to and the idea was genius, he brought up the idea of allowing home owners to stay in their homes and adjusting not just their interest but the principle they owe - not sure if I agree with that policy but what he did was say that he's not sure if McCain or Palin agree with that, Ifill then tried to press Palin but she slipped out of it. To any discerning viewer she's essentially reading note cards to most people she's probably nailing it.

9:33: Biden's stumbling over his words like the drunk I suspect he is. Normally I wouldn't hammer a guy for that, considering this post and many like it before is dedicated to real time alcohol consumption, but he is in the midst of a Veep debate, put down the Jameson Biden.

9:35: "Nucular" holy shit, not again. Palin, 600 brain cells.

9:36: Watching Palin write notes is hysterical. If she's talking from her own notes my dog is multilingual.

9:39: Palin is definitely scoring points with the Iraq talk. No doubt they're not her points but points non the less. Unless of course she's spent the last month thinking about Iraq exclusively after she said she hadn't thought about it, and somehow acquired the ability of analytical thinking.

9:42: How are we spending 10 billion dollars a month in Iraq when they have an 87 billion dollar surplus. Why isn't the new government of Iraq paying for our troops? We put them there for fucks sake.

9:44: Biden pointed at me again, I'd like to brake his finger. I've said this before but he reminds me of the creepy uncle at family reunions who's a little to interested in your female cousins.

9:45: Ifill's doing a great job btw.

9:47: "Nucular" twice, this word is not that fucking hard to pronounce. 800 dead brain cells that feel like victims of rape and incest.

9:52: Joe Biden just referred to himself in the third person, 800 dead brain cells, this is turning out to be quite a match. Glass six.

9:56: Is it supposed to be cool and "American" to say nuclear wrong? What the fuck is going on, why has this country become so retarded?

10:00: Biden just audibly sighed, that's a huge mistake. 1,000 dead brain cells.

10:03: "It's so obvious I'm a Washington outsider," I was a bigger fan when she was her own retard. Glass seven, I want a cigarette, I can't keep up with these morons.

10:08: How would your presidential policy differ from the president's if they were to pass away: "I would carry out Barack's policies" good work again Joe. You're the same exact person, that's bold.

10:09: Fuck the brain cells idea, we're all dumber for this despite of our alcohol consumption. If a student were to respond to any of these questions from a teacher they'd be lampooned. Please vote for Bob Barr, the politics of this country are fucked and it doesn't really matter who's doing the fucking.

10:12: Honestly Sarah Palin has been willing to completely fore go her own opinions in order to accept the Vice Presidential opportunity. She's hasn't expressed a single opinion that she had discussed in interviews prior to this debate. I really hate everyone involved in this campaign but she seems particularly deplorable.

10:16: They shouldn't allow talking points in presidential or veep debates. If candidates want to take notes that's fine but they shouldn't be allowed to bring anything along. If they need anything then whomever writes it should be the candidate not the individual.

10:21: My interpretation of the republican advisers to Sarah Palin over the last 3 days: "Sarah, if you don't know what to say, bang out a couple "Mavericks" and "Ya'll's" "Change" and "average people".

10:23: Biden's pouncing on the Maverick thing, interesting, I wonder if this will play. Glass eight.

10:27: Honestly, I don't like Biden, he's a cheater, cheated in law school, plagiarized a speech while running for president but at least he's attempting to answer the questions posed to him. Palin's just regurgitating platitudes and reciting lines fed to her, I doubt she'll be in very many off the cuff interviews from here on out.

10:31: Biden's blathering on after Palin just blathered on, I'll be back after some reflection.

Motes '08

2008-09-03T13:26:00.004-04:00

My dog's nickname is The Motes. My dog should be the next president of the United States.

Motes '08. True vision for the future.

Rule of thumb for modern living:

2008-08-15T09:26:00.004-04:00

If your friend wears a pink shirt the same day you wear a pink shirt don't be friends for that day, not forever, but for that day.

I came across those two gentlemen on the j train this morning at Bowery. Fortunately they got off at Broad St. because I was prepared to follow them anywhere in order to take that picture.

Vegas this weekend, YFBFB has returned.

Dylan at Prospect Park

2008-08-13T09:12:00.002-04:00

The twilight of Bob Dylan’s career would be better served if he was less like a rolling stone and more like a Rolling Stone. As Martin Scorsese’s recent Shine a Light documentary proved (and from what I’ve heard all of their concerts still prove) the Stones have been around for a long, long year but haven’t really lost a step. The same cannot be said for Mr. Dylan.

Last night’s show at Prospect Park was an extremely hot ticket in New York. Released in early July, YFBFB and YFBFBGF were online for a combined three hours attempting to get tickets with no luck. Fortunately YFBFBGF spent some time refreshing Craigslist yesterday until the right post showed and she pounced.

$55 a head and 5 hours later we were standing on the beer line at PP Theater waiting for a chance to pay $6 for a Budweiser. The theater is like a natural forming amphitheater with the venue gradually rising as you move further from the stage. We were quite far from the stage and couldn’t see very clearly but the rain had stopped an hour or two earlier and our spirits could not be dampened.

Dylan came out with Rainy Day Woman #12 & 35 which was neat but turned disappointing. His backing band sounded folksy and the crowd droned out much of Dylan’s singing (either that or he actually was only singing about one in every four words which is also a possibility).

After RDW #12 & 35 I headed to the port-a-potty to heed Dylan’s demands. Cops were out in force but there really wasn’t much tension in the crowd which ran the spectrum age wise but was almost entirely white.

He second song was lay, lady lay, reworked to sound like an Eagles reunion tour song. And therein lies the heart of the problem. If Dylan is going to rework his classics with the same lyrics but different music he has to actually sing the lyrics. Otherwise the effect is plain confusing.

There were a couple highlights, Masters of War was very good and Dylan seemed enthused by the song, also whenever he broke out the harmonica it seemed particularly special. All in all it was an experience to get to see Bob Dylan perform, but had a complete unknown 67 year old man played the same exact music, $55 could have purchased a lot more $6 beers.

New Blog

2008-07-22T00:10:00.002-04:00

I'm posting here on a daily basis for the time being.

A Little Bit of Shut the Fuck Up

2008-06-18T19:47:00.002-04:00

How much luck is required to never encounter a little bit of luck ad, ever again? However much it is I hope all New Yorkers encounter it in the near future.

Couple links:

Interesting story about Japan taking extremely aggressive steps to curb obesity that includes this line: "I don’t think the campaign will have any positive effect. Now if you did this in the United States, there would be benefits," ah America, land of the free and home of the broad.

Attempting to understand the anger people have over Budweiser being sold to a European company is really confounding. Check the comments section.

Interesting New York Magazine article about male infidelity. Although I'm perplexed as to how Weiss doesn't include an exploration of male concern for the infidelity of women at some point, seems relevent.

The article does include this gem: ""Recent analyses of genetic databases reveal that fully 10 percent of people have different biological fathers from the men they name as their fathers." Wow.

Random thoughts:

Florida is a curious mix of strip malls, trailer parks, palm trees, and tourist destinations. There is nothing else.

There's more to people raising their sunglasses to see things more clearly than simply better vision.

I don't believe in opening mail because I think it deserves its privacy.

If only we could control-f our lives.

The British: Funnier than US

2008-06-17T16:09:00.002-04:00

I was getting a good chuckle at the first couple paragraphs of this article when I read the line "You're a public figure now, they would say." So I decided to look up who the author, Boris Johnson, is. It turns out Boris Johnson is the mayor of London and probably funnier than anyone Michael Bloomberg even knows.

It's really strange and oddly disconcerting that British pols are capable of such superior humor in public arenas that Americans.

Want to Know How Happy you are?

2008-06-09T23:48:00.001-04:00

Ask yourself this question:

If you could fast forward parts of your existence with the results of that time being exactly the same as if you enacted that period in real time (ie. your work production would be the same) how much of your life would you fast forward?

That's the answer to how happy you are, and that's the answer to what you need to change in your life.

What Nobody Involved in Politics Will Say

2008-06-09T23:29:00.002-04:00

There's been a great deal of talk lately about Clinton supporters, specifically white women, defecting to the McCain camp in the general election. This is a result of the disappointment that many Clinton supporters have felt from her failed candidacy. What nobody is willing to admit and what is crucial to the coming GE, is that a large proportion of women vote on emotion. Let us not presume that men do not vote for equally senseless reasons, such as what baseball team their candidate supports, but let us also admit that emotions play a bigger role in the female decision making process than the male.

If we follow that assumption we can understand that 1) many of the women who currently claim they will defect to the McCain camp are doing so out of frustration from the Democratic primaries and 2) when Obama smokes McCain in terms of likability and overall capacity for compassion in the forthcoming debates he will make huge inroads among this critical segment of the electorate.

Obviously it's controversial to discuss such a matter and I'm sure that some of the women who were reading this post have ceased well before reading this point but it's certainly worth consideration.

Lone Drinker VII

2008-06-01T16:19:00.003-04:00

I haven't posted in a while due to a severe case of bloggers block but I'm home alone and sitting down to a magnum of wine and a chunk of cheese so lets kick back and kick off the gayest version of the Lone Drinker yet!

4:21: Glass #1. I have the Yankee game on mute and I'm watching the webcast of Meet the Press, this is not one of my cooler moments. I think that crack needs to be rebranded. A name change and a couple celebrity endorsements would go a long way to invigorating its consumer base. I propose "crevice" as a working name change. Crevice suggests a certain subtlety and sounds vaguely French. Additionally it's similar enough in meaning that we wont alienate our loyal consumers.

4:36: Glass #2. Tom Daschle is a very well practice political persona and that is all he is. He is not human. He is political persona.

4:38: I can't believe people buy into this lunacy.

4:42: Glass #3. Cigarette you very much.

5:07: Glass #4. Facebook is going to start running contextual ads based on imaging in profile pictures.

5:30: Congrats to the digger that found this page and I'll be sending in my resume to edit the UPI's website.

5:48: Two things: 1) If only we could control-f all of the elements of our life. 2) I don't believe in opening mail because I think it deserves its privacy.

6:00: Glass #5. Yankees lost, onto Smoking Gun Presents Worlds Dumbest Criminals 4 on truTV. I love the smoking gun but I've never heard of truTV. Hopefully I'm not as dumb as those they're about to highlight. I'm getting there.

6:04: This show is equally vapid and miraculously less entertaining than all of VH1's current programming schedule. Alcohol, do your thing...

6:09: Despite the presence of notorious douche bags Danny Bonaduce and Ron Kuby, this show is offensively bad. I'll give it one more commercial break.

6:25: I've read most of the articles nominated for 2008 National Magazine Awards recognition and really recommend Vanity Fair's City of Fear, one of the most compelling, most screen worthy examinations in journalism in the last 5 years. The New York Times Magazine's Where Boys Grow up to be Jihadis, and The New Yorker's Swingers. One article that is not, under any circumstances advisable is Everybody Sucks in New York magazine. The article is essentially a mainstream reporter denouncing the blogosphere due to her experiences with being exposed during her wedding and subsequent write-up in the NYT. The media business, and particularly print media, is not suffering solely from the flourishing of the internet. Far too much of modern media is directed at itself because far too many individuals in the media are wildly self-absorbed. I know because I went to journalism school and I'm in the media commenting on a magazine article about bloggers commenting on a newspaper piece on the author on my blog. This does not appeal to a large audience because nobody fucking cares about us.

7:12: Glass #7. Katie Couric on 60 Minutes feels like Walter Cronkite hosting an episode of TRL.

7:52: My lady friend returned home not long ago. She's makinv seafood gumbo in the kitchen. She's put the onions off to the side because she was devastated by their untimely demise. The tears flowed like water in a broken urinal.

7:58: Andy Rooney just complained about something.

8:08: Glass #8. I want to open up a bar based on the office work environment. Instead of booths there will be cubicles that can seat 3 or 4 people and instead of computer's there'll be televisions showing sport. The waitresses will all be dressed in sexy work attire and patrons will be able to call other cubicles to correspond (on work related matters). The receptionist's desk will be the bar and the CEOs office will be the VIP. Potential names include 9 to 5, The Office, The Grind and Monday's Off.

8:38: Holy crap the MTV Movie Awards are on tonight. This is the pinnacle of modern culture. May or may not return tonight.

One Show Recap

2008-05-08T11:43:00.003-04:00

I'm blogging for the One Club at various events during their One Festival this week. Below is my latest post, future ones can be found here:

The Allen Room at Jazz at Lincoln Center was one of the best advertisements of the evening. With 50 foot high floor-to-ceiling windows looking out on Columbus Circle and a three piece jazz band sounding like they were performing at Carnegie Hall the evening’s cocktail hour started out very promisingly. Somewhere around 600 people made their way to The One Show last night for the most distinguished advertising awards in the biz – and to throw a few back, flirt a bit and eat some appropriately name jumbo shrimp.

The event was a collection of very talented, eclectically dressed people of seemingly all persuasions. Some of the attendees wore suits or ball gowns while others could just have easily been banging away on their Macs in a Brooklyn coffee shop.

For me it was an interesting (and first extensive) look into the advertising industry and an opportunity to collect business cards like I was having a raffle for a free lunch at the end of the evening.

“At One Show events the people who have come up want to help the people who are coming up,” said Phil Growick, the Managing Director at Jerry Fields Associates (A Company of The Howard, Sloan, Koller Group according to his business card).

And it really did seem like that. At one point I was talking with a guy (Greg Hahn from BBDO) who looked like a less mysterious version of Jack White just having a casual conversation and later he collected an award for the HBO Voyeur ads – the coolest of the night in one man’s estimation.

“It’s the best of the best,” Hahn said. “There’s a lot of inspiration here and you get to see the gold standard of the advertising industry.”

The awards themselves were hosted by Tom Papa who was funnier off the cuff than scripted. And the music played throughout the show was Vampire Weekend type, super hip, but not in a too-cool-for-school-kind-of-way stuff.

All in all a very cool show, and some of the better adverts I’ve seen this side of five or six Super Bowl’s ago.

Check back in tomorrow for a recap of the Student Awards Show.

Jeopardy Savants

2008-04-28T21:59:00.002-04:00

I've written before about the poor strategic decision making that is a rampant phenomenon among Jeopardy contestants.

Two particular instances occur over and over:

1) A contestant has his opponents more than doubled in money going into Final Jeopardy and thus cannot lose (unless he pulls a Clavin). He then bets everything he can minus one dollar to ensure victory. In real life would this guy (think typical Jeopardy contestant) really bet 4,5,6 thousand dollars on his ability to answer one question? There is a logical disconnect between game money and real money but game money is real money. In fact, this game plan only makes sense if the contestant is uniquely competent in the Final Jeopardy category, it happens far more frequently.

2) A contestant is ahead going into Final Jeopardy but has not doubled up her opponent. She then bets enough to beat her opponent by $1 (assuming her opponent bets everything he has). This strategy is designed to send home a known quantity (the opponent said contestant has already beaten) to be replaced on the following day by an unknown quantity (a different contestant). This strategy is also nonsensical. If a contestant has beaten her opponent through single and double Jeopardy she should welcome the opportunity to play him the following day.

Today's Jeopardy episode featured another interesting scenario peppered with misguided strategy. The returning champion (Contestant A) was awarded with both Daily Doubles in Double Jeopardy. Both times he bet unnecessarily large sums of money in an attempt to separate himself from his opponents. When Final Jeopardy rolled around he had about $15,500 and his two opponents had something like $12,400 (Contestant B) and $12,200 (Contestant C). The Final Jeopardy topic was Royalty Wives (or something like that), a seemingly difficult category. Now, Contestants B and C should certainly have realized that if Contestant A was going down it was not going to be as a result of under betting Final Jeopardy, if he was going to lose he was going to get the question wrong. Therefore Contestants B and C know that he's going to bet $9,301 or more (in fact he bet $9,400) and should factor it into their decisions. In the case of Contestant B the information regarding Contestant A isn't particularly informative. Contestant B still needs to protect her slim lead over Contestant C and thus must wager nearly all of her money (she wagered all of it), but this information to Contestant C is very instructive. Contestant C must realize that the only chance she has of victory is for A and B to get the question wrong, as such she must limit her wager to within the loss A would incur under the circumstances of a wrong answer (she must not end up with less than 15,500 - 9,301 - and technically she probably shouldn't bet anything).

Anyway, as mentioned A bet 9,400, B bet 12,400, and C bet something like 9,000. All answered the question incorrectly and now A will return for another day.

It's strange that people who are smart enough to make it on Jeopardy are so miraculously stupid strategically.

On Friday I depart for a friend's bachelor party in New Orleans that happily and intentionally coincides with Jazz Fest. I will be taking copious notes and blogging about what is sure to be a monumentally dangerous trip. Keep an eye out for my best Hunter S. Thompson impression.

People are Strange

2008-04-18T10:48:00.002-04:00

Hello and welcome to another addition of "Weird Shit People Search for on Google and End Up at This Blog." I've put an extra slathering of hair gel on to host today's event and I'm planning on inappropriately touching all the female contestants. Let's get started.

10. "Young Stiper": it's good to know there are retarded perverts out there.

9. "Commercial Mexican Dishware": As opposed to Indie Mexican Dishware?

8. "Excessively Jealous, Wife": big fan of the comma, gotta have the comma, (quick recommendation, Vampire Weekend has a song called Oxford Comma that I can't stop listening to, it's the new Young Folks)

7. "Child rape scene": it horrifies me that somebody is searching for this and even more so that they would end up at this blog (actually less so), wtf? Somebody call Chris Hansen.

6. "Living with a q-tube": I have no idea what this means.

5. "Wife sister areshole": Ditto number 6 (a search of areshole on google provides an interesting experience, I'm impressed that Urban Dictionary has the capability to be first on google with a term that "isn't defined yet but these are pretty close". Well done urban dictionary, well done. (btw, Urban Dictionary is defined thusly: A place formerly used to find out about slang, and now a place that teens with no life use as a burn book to whine about celebrities, their friends, etc., let out their sexual frustrations, show off their racist/sexist/homophobic/ anti-(insert religion here) opinions, troll, and babble about things they know nothing about.))

4. "My wife slept with the man blogspot": It may be time for marriage counseling.

3. "Gaysenator": is that one word or two?

2. "Wax replica of your private": I have to admit that one was me.

1. "Vintage Sunglass blogs": It'd be a lot cooler if this was.

All Over the Map Quotes of the Week

2008-04-11T12:46:00.004-04:00

The cover of Vibe Magazine has this gem from Lil Wayne “I’m more afraid of life than death,” it’s unclear as to whether this quote is deeply profound or entirely inane but it would require reading an article on Lil Wayne to find out so it’s kind of like the amount of licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop.

Today in the Wall Street Journal Peggy Noonan quotes Pope Benedict:

"The right use of reason" prompts us to understand that violence is incompatible with the nature of God

Only the leader of the Catholic Church could distinguish between proper and improper uses of reason.

Vatican Three should definitely forbid the Pope from making any appeal to “the right use of reason,” or reason at all for that matter.

George Karl, Head Coach of the Denver Nuggets after the win over Golden State that essentially sealed the Nuggets playoff birth: “If I call practice there will be a revolution.”

Couple things. Those are not the words of a man in control of his team. Those are the words of a coach who is afraid of his team. Those are the words of a coach who should definitely be fired. Also, it’s interesting that he used the term revolution instead of mutiny. Karl definitely thinks very highly of himself and revolution would suggest a higher self-regard than a mere mutiny.

“Why do all hybrid cars look slightly retarded?” - YFBFB

NYC to Outlaw Flatulence in Public Places

2008-04-09T16:02:00.002-04:00

Mayor Michael Bloomberg today announced city plans to deal with those that dealt it in the city’s latest move to curtail disagreeable behavior.

“This is a great day for the city of New York and for sensitive olfactory neurons everywhere,” said the mayor inside city hall – removed from the city’s still rank outdoors.

The decision comes on the heels of the city’s ban on trans-fat which followed closely behind the city-wide ban on smoking in restaurants and bars.

Initially intended to be put into effect in June, the blowhard prohibition has been moved back to August to follow the July implementation of the trans-fat ban.

“We thought the ban could be more strictly enforced following the trans-fat regulations,” said Policed Chief Raymond Kelly.

Opponents say that Mr. Bloomberg’s gone too far in his desire to control the behavior of New Yorkers.

“I’ve been farting around this city for 53 years,” said Crown Heights native Noah Stankiewicz, 53. “The Mayor and the fat cats in city hall are unsympathetic to the little people…with digestive disorders.”

Other city residents are excited about what they will say will finally put an end to odorific subway trips and hellacious elevator rides.

“I can finally breathe,” said one long-time Upper East Side resident.

Superficial Thoughts

2008-03-28T10:31:00.004-04:00

If you're interested in playing an April Fools joke on family and loved ones tell them you've been accepted as a contestant on the Moment of Truth.

"Results like these do not belong on the resume of a Supreme Being" - Carlin on religion, great line.

I enjoy how the City Journal consistently rails against intellectualism but doesn't mind dropping references to Bentham's Panopticon and the like. (btw Bentham's Panopticon is one of the coolest ideas I've ever read about on Wikipedia).

In the Sienfeld episode where Kramer allows people to smoke in his apt. - Kramer asks for ash tray from Jerry. Was there a time when people who didn't smoke had ashtrays for people who did? To smoke in the non-smokers apt? That seems outrageous to me.

Seinfeld is somehow getting funnier to me, again, apparently this is also happening to others our age, pretty crazy how good that show was.

Sometimes I wish I lived to 86 years old and was born in December of 1918 and died in the summer of 2004. It must've been truly magnificient to believe that the Red Sox were as irredeemable as their fans.

Isn't it weird that two entirely different sports called Football are the most popular sports in their native lands. Is there something about the word "Football" rather than the sports themselves?

The Politics Issue

2008-03-24T12:48:00.007-04:00

I was inspired by the Onion magazine to put the above together. This may become a semi-regular addition to the blog. SportSquee was recently added to the blog roll. "Margee" is a friend of mine from high school and a very funny, creative writer. Be back soon.

Child-Man of La Mancha

2008-03-21T14:42:00.006-04:00

While trying to conjure a name for a post reviewing Man of La Mancha at The DUO Theater I was reminded of Kay S. Hymowitz’s Child-Man in the Promised Land article which left an indelible mark on my brain (and which I responded to here). I decided to google Ms. Hymowitz to see if she had put together any other wildly misguided articles. Thankfully she had; including another one on her favorite subject titled Marriage and Caste, featuring this line:

“Growing financial independence and changing mores not only gave women the freedom to divorce in lemming-like numbers; it also allowed them to dispense with marriage altogether and have children, Murphy Brown–style, on their own.”

This 1) is wholly contradictory to her uniquely flawed Child-Man story 2) suggests the sole blame for the spike in divorce belongs to women and 3) makes yet another reference to cheesedick pop culture, which is unequivocally the leading cause of men divorcing their wives in the United States.

Anyway, Ms. Hymowitz has got to be the dumbest contributor to the City-Journal and her idiocy is always entertaining so let’s move on.

On St. Patrick’s Day my lady friend and I holed up in a booth at a bar in Brooklyn and drank till we had forgotten our worries and created new ones. It was a good time and nice to be secluded in a crowded bar. Last night at Room 5001’s production of Man of La Mancha I had a similar feeling of seclusion amongst a crowd but the effect was more suffocating than reassuring.

Man of La Mancha is the story of 8 prisoners awaiting the inevitable and attempting to distract themselves along the way. The entirety of the play takes place within the confines of a jail cell and at times during the nearly two hour production the viewer experiences the feelings of imprisonment the prisoners are meant to bear.

In this way it can be seen as a grossly pessimistic metaphor for existence but the escapes that the distractions sometimes provide proove to be a savior to the prisoners and the audience. Man of La Mancha seems to be the rationalization for the creation of drama and in some ways it works and in some ways it doesn’t (which might just be genius).

The story is okay. This retelling substituted a man for the woman prisoner who gets raped in the original which seems more fitting. I can’t imagine many instances in the history of legal confinement when one woman has been detained with seven men. And the rape scene was certainly affecting and well acted which touches on Man of La Mancha’s strongest point.

The acting in Man of La Mancha is very very good. Justin Levine plays the lead of Miguel de Cervantes with a touch of madness and a lot of likability. Omar Perez seems larger than his stature would suggest allowing him to be fittingly menacing (I was surprised how short he was after the show), and Ricardo Perez-Gonzalez has a tremendous singing voice.

But the real star of the show is Rusty Buehler who is the play-within-a-play director as Cervantes' squire, Sancho Panza, as well as the comic relief of the show. His performance is idiosyncratic, clever and very entertaining.

On the whole, the story has highs and lows but the show was very well done.

Man of La Mancha at the DUO Theater 62 East 4th Street, between 2nd and 3rd Ave, $20 General Admission. Performances: Friday, March 21 8pm; Saturday, March 22 8pm; Sunday, March 23 3pm; Thursday, March 27 8pm; Friday, March 28 8pm; Saturday, March 29 8pm; Sunday, March 30 8pm

Links:

Put another spike in the coffin of substantive journalism. Deadline Hollywood Daily got the jump on the NYT, WaPo and others in reporting that the Associated Press is adding 21 new employees to its entertainment beat. I’m becoming more and more convinced that the only way for the fourth estate to maintain its watchdog roll will be through non-profit organizations. The paradigm has shifted and the money and interest isn’t there for real reporting anymore. (I found that link through Romenescko btw, I do not frequent Deadline Hollywood Daily).

This Lenny Dykstra article in the New Yorker is amazing for anyone who ever cared about the Mets in the 80’s, Phillies in the 90’s, baseball in any era, sports on the whole, compelling storytelling or existence in general… actually it’s not that good but it is a good read.

I really recommend checking out the White Rabbit’s Myspace page and taking a listen. They’re quite good.

On the Tele

2008-03-19T22:28:00.004-04:00

Pretty mediocre South Park tonight. Satirizing celebrity adoration (in this case it was Brittany) is like banging Lindsay Lohan when you're both stuck in a barrel. I'm sure it was still infinitely better than the episode of Lewis Black's Root of All Evil that followed it. At one point during the ep of South Park there was a commercial for LBRAE where Black said something like "watch this show America 'cause it's your duty." And then he proceeded to say "did you hear that South Park fans, I said 'duty'" - as if his show attracts more high-minded fans than SP. That show is offensively bad, I actually just had the show on my television with the t.v. on mute and changed the channel because I didn't want Nielsen to report an additional viewer that's how bad it is.

And finally tonight, I didn't keep a log of Moment of Truth but did watch most of it and wow. The contestant - a smokin hot, wildly insecure Caucasian looking Puerto Rican chick - was the victim of tremendous hubris. Asked the question, had she ever slept with anyone to further her career, she answered no and was found to be false. Apparently she really hadn't ever slept with someone (or so it seemed from her reaction) but going on that show is far more ethically and morally comprimising than whoring in the interest of career advancement. Sleep with some one and you've affected two people's lives - yours and the person who would have advanced in your stead - go on that show and you're fucking with at least 4 peoples lives. Utilitarianism is an over-simplified philosophical belief but in the case of contestants on this program, society should want them affecting as few people's lives as possible.

Further, sleeping with some one in the interest of career advancement is Machiavellian, and honestly Machiavelli has not been proven wrong. Fucking your loved ones for financial success and notoriety is always wrong.

The new Seth Rogan movie trailer looks killer.

I have a bunch of other links and a sociological experiment I'm about to start to report on soon.

Moment of Truth

2008-03-12T20:02:00.006-04:00

Two weeks ago I watched with horror as a participant on the Moment of Truth on Fox destroyed her marriage, her husband's self-esteem and her own self-image. It was similar to watching Nuclear winter descend on the Southern Hemisphere. This week I've decided to do a journal of it, lets see what happens:

8:05: They've introduced the contestant, he looks like Matthew Perry with a much cheeper haircut. Apparently he's a carpenter, I don't imagine he's very Christ-like.

8:06: Q: "As a handy-man have you ever prolonged a job so you could bill more hours?" A: Yes, true, his explanation seems reasonable, bounced check, billed the extra money.

8:07: Q: "Have you ever made a wax replica of your private parts?" Yes- true, "my wife was going to bring it with her but it didn't fit in her purse" - not bad, did he come up with that on the spot? Mom: "I don't know him" she's going to become progressively more annoying.

8:08: Q: "Have you ever felt that your wife is excessively jealous of other women?" A: Yes - true. I have a feeling that this may be problematic going forward.

8:09: Q: "Has your wife Amy, ever said something that hurt you so much it made you cry?" Yes - true. Pussy.

8:10: Q: "Would you say your wife is the most attractive woman you've ever dated?" No - true. The audience applause after embarrassing correct answers is fascinating. They must be cued by signs right?

8:12 Q: "Since you've had children have you lost any of your sexual attraction to your wife?"

Commercial Break

They prep the t.v. audience for moments later in the show prior to each commercial break. We already know that two of the questions are "have you ever had sex with one of your wife's sisters" and "have you ever had sex with any of your friends wives". Also apparently Chandler's estranged father is going to make an appearance later in the show.

8:15 The show has returned, the slimy show host repeats the question. Answer: No - true.

8:17 Onto level two. For $25,000 Q: "Are you sexually attracted to any of your wife's sisters? Yes - true. One of the sisters is sitting right next to the wife, she's not bad looking and apparently there are 5 sisters in the family.

New revelation, he's dated the sister and another of the sisters, you can't blame the guy for answering that question in the affirmative. Further, what kind of bumblefuck town do they find these people in that he's dated 3 of 5 sisters in one family?

8:19: Q: "Have you ever lied to your parents about your religious belief" Yes - true. Is there anyone for whom that answer isn't true? Also this guy was raised Mormon, who the hell with any degree of analytical thought could believe in Mormanism? - Also that answers the question as to where they find these people.

8:21 Q: "Do you think your father worked hard enough to provide for your family?" No- true, as his mother cries. Yfbfb question: "Do you think you're a big enough asshole to destroy your entire family?

8:22 Q: "When visiting your Father do you think your step-mother intentionally does things to make you feel unwelcome?" Yes - true. Any child of a step-parent would have no problem answering in the affirmative if they felt this way. None.

8:24: The slimy host calls out the father, Chuck (of course), to ask the question. The father reminds me of an out of shape version of the father from American Beauty. Q: "Despite the life you've lead, do you think I still love you?"

Commercial Break

This question is inherently flawed. First, I wonder if the father put in the qualifier "despite the life you've lead" and second, by him being there, Chandler can assume that he still love's him, this may be warped logic but it doesn't matter if it's not true in reality, it only matters that it's true in his mind.

8:29: It's annoying how they repeat the last minute after every commercial break.

8:30: A: Yes - true. This guy seems like a tool btw, he seems like he's hamming up the dramatic effect for the show. The product of an asshole father. They embrace and his father says that he's proud of his son. My parents have always dreamed of me making it big on reality television. I've done nothing but disappoint.

8:32: He's just won $25,000, but nothing's locked, he can lose it all at any point.

8:33: They cut to a commercial break, teasing with the same three questions they've teased the last two commercial breaks to. This show is taking a short-term approach to a potentially long running show. It's really compelling content wise despite its trashy side, but it's not nearly as rewarding of a viewing experience as it should be because they cram a half an hours worth of material into and hour show. I mean there was 3 minutes of unseen content in between the last two commercial breaks. Can I get some show with my advertisements?

8:37: They're back. Chandler asked how he's doing: I'm good, I'm glad I'm here...Anything for a buck.

8:38: "Have you ever thought that your past drug use may have caused permanent damage to your body?" Yes - true. Who cares.

8:40: Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about a friends wife?" Yes - true. What if it was a dream? That question seemed loaded.

8:42: "Have you ever had sexual relations with any of your wife's sisters?

Commercial break.

He's dated two of them, doesn't that depend on what the definition of is is? This show may be getting too stupid for my taste. Also if you're scoring at home, that's 8 minutes of commercials for 9 minutes of programming not including the commercial break we're currently engaged in. And that is with a minute at the opening of each segment to remind us what happened previously and a minute at the end of each segment to tease future content.

8:47: They're back. Let's give'em a minute to recap.

8:48: A: No - true. So the point if moot, I maintain that question was bullshit.

8:50: Have you ever had sex with any of your friends wives?

Commercial Break

I feel like Fox is really bending me over during this show. Network television's really gonna squeeze every last drop out of interest in their programming as fast as possible aren't they.

8:53: Another minute to recap.

8:54: Slimy host asks Chandler's wive if she has any idea what the answer is going to be. She says no. A: Yes - true (audience applauds, wife cries, Chandler wins $100,000).

He decides to call it quits and "go home with the money he has." It's not so much that he is leaving with the final shread of dignity that he has, it's that he is leaving with one strand less than the full compliment of anti-dignity.

Show ends, clips from future shows, then a flash of the production company called "Lighthearted entertainment".

I've seen the devil and it has FOX in the lower right hand corner.

The Motes: A story of Redemption

2008-03-07T10:57:00.007-05:00

The one year anniversary of this blog passed fittingly without a post. I’m learning a new language so that I can start a new blog and post irregularly in Spanish.

I sent an email to a friend yesterday that highlighted a growing concern of mine. Last May I wrote a story on Starbucks and realized when I typed "Starbucks" into Microsoft Word it underlined the word – as incorrectly spelled – if it was not capitalized, but when it was capitalized the word was not underlined. Then while emailing my friend on Microsoft’s Outlook program I wrote this passage: I remember going to Wikipedia (btw Outlook automatically capitalizes Wikipedia when you type it in - the corporatization of the world has implications beyond the upper-casing of proper nouns but this is symptomatic)

Even as I type this on blogger when I write "Microsoft" the word is underlined if not capitalized – what the fuck?! Leave me alone you gigantic multinational conglomerates – you may own the clothes I wear, the television I watch, the soap I use, the car I drive, the food I eat, the land I walk on, my dog, the computer I use, the phone I talk on, the debt I’ve accumulated, the girl I sleep with, the chair I’m sitting in, the website I’m posting on, the news I read, the social networking sites I stalk people on, the alcohol I drink, and probably even the other substances I consume, but you don’t own me.

On another note, the aforementioned dog, The Motes, has made a miraculous comeback from the retardation that her epileptic seizures had induced. Cheers to The Motes, I'm so proud of you. Aw da Motes!

I’ll be back on Sunday with thoughts on the Plug Awards®

Dear Texas and Ohio,

2008-03-05T19:00:00.001-05:00

Please stop voting.

Yours truly,

America (and every other country in the world)

After these messages...

2008-02-29T10:24:00.004-05:00

I have always dreamed of purchasing ad space on a billboard and putting some kind of self-promoting nonsense on it (like a picture of myself surrounded by scantily clad women wearing chains and holding a Tek 9). Actually, I have always dreamed of the time shortly after I purchase ad space on a billboard when a friend or acquaintance sees the ad and gets a kick out of it. The Billboard Liberation Front has employed a similar idea only they're trying to make a point, which is cool, I guess. Actually, I think it's really cool and congrats to them for taking street art to a new place.

Sometimes Vanity Fair is like US Weekly for really high minded individuals or "society" types. This article is one of those times and it's fucking great. Michael Joseph Gross did some really really extensive reporting to tell that story and did it very well.

The City-Journal continuously publishes thought provoking articles. This article is flawed in that it blames the sexual revolution of the 60’s for creating the hyper-sexualized campus environment of modernity while arguing that the campus rape phenomenon is more myth than reality. In effect Heather Mac Donald blames the sexual revolution for a problem she argues doesn’t exist. On the plus side she does argue correctly that there are hypocrisies within the rape prevention complex that should be addressed. In particular she reprints this astonishing passage from the magazine Saturday Night: Untold Stories of Sexual Assault at Harvard:

What can I tell you about being raped? Very little. I remember drinking with some girlfriends and then heading to a party in the house that some seniors were throwing. I’m told that I walked in and within 5 minutes was making out with one of the guys who lived there, who I’d talked to some in the dining hall but never really hung out with. I may have initiated it. I don’t remember arriving at the party; I dimly remember waking up at some point in the early morning in this guy’s room. I remember him walking me back to my room. I couldn’t have made it alone; I still had too much alcohol in my system to even stand up straight. I made myself vulnerable and even now it’s hard to think that someone here who I have talked and laughed with could be cold-hearted enough to take advantage of that vulnerability. I’d rather, sometimes, take half the blame than believe that a profound evil can exist in mankind. But it’s easy for me to say, that, of the two of us, I’m the only one who still has nightmares, found myself panicking and detaching during sex for many months afterwards, and spent more time looking into the abyss than any one person should.

The dereliction of personal responsibility in this passage is horrifying and an affront to actual victims of sexual assault. It’s not that she “deserved” or “was asking for it” but it seems very out-of-character for a “cold-hearted” rapist to walk his victim back to her room the following morning. It seems certain to me that the “offender” in this case does not think of himself as a rapist, perhaps he was also drunk and didn’t realize how out of it this woman was. . She got drunk to the point that she made several bad decisions, if two nights hence he blacks out and ends -up in bed with some woman he barely remembers from the night before was he raped? I’m not trying to make excuses for his behavior but she is certainly trying to make them for hers.

Skeptics are people who never believe.

2008-02-29T00:03:00.001-05:00

Debating Times

2008-02-26T22:28:00.003-05:00

I'm baffled by the timing of the Democratic debate this evening. Why would they schedule a debate for 11:00 p.m. EST? I realize the debate is in Cleveland and the big prizes in the March 4 primaries are both in the Central time zone but it's still 10 pm in both Ohio and Texas. Further the other two March 4 primaries are in Rhode Island and Vermont, I know they don't provide big delegate bounties but shouldn't the Dems at least give the people in those states an opportunity to see the debates for themselves?

The real loser in all of this is the newspaper business. It is a testament to the amount of influence the business has lost that the late start makes it nearly impossible for east coast newspapers to cover the debate in their early editions. The fact that the NYT, WSJ, and WaPo are all severely limited in the amount of space they can give to the debates (if they can cover them at all) is a bad indicator for the longevity of the industry.

JEFFREY LEWIS - 'WILLIAMSBURG WILL OLDHAM HORROR'

2008-02-23T20:16:00.001-05:00

Parodying his own irony. This is a seminal moment for post-hipsterism.

Essential

2008-02-23T13:17:00.004-05:00

I am currently downloading Michael Jackson Essential and as far as greatest hits/best of albums go it doesn't get much better than this. I feel like my head is about to explode I'm so excited to listen to this record.

I've also downloaded Reasonable Doubt by Jay-Z and honestly, if you like rap you must have this record. It's smoother than butter and a fascinating look at hip-hop's CEO when he was still in the mail room.

I have so much respect for Jay-Z's blind ambition (Blind Ambition should definitely be the name of a skinimax feature, I'm going to check after this diatribe if it is). In Reasonable Doubt at one point he mentions Rockafeller Records like he was confident that it was going to be what it became. That type of self-assuredness is only endearing and charismatic when backed by some one who makes it happen - and cheers to Jay-Z for making it happen.

My semi-final download was Lupe Fiasco's The Cool. I'll write about this record within the next week or two.

I'll be back soon, I've had a bunch of ideas I want to expand upon during the course of this post. Including: We're judged by the way we treat the weakest among us. I don't believe that the weakest among us need be treated like I treat my dog, that is what informs my politics.

See here.

The Perils of Non-Profits

2008-02-13T20:41:00.005-05:00

The thing about working at a non-profit is that it's difficult to express real discontent to others without feeling guilty. It's not that I don't like my job it's just that sometimes I want to bitch about my job like everyone else. I miss being able to do that without hesitation.

I just watched the Wu Tang Triumph video where Method Man looks like a bad mother fucker and refers to himself as "The Iron Lung". My next thought was him in the Speed Stick commercials with Redman. I don't mind aging I just don't ever want to become whatever the Speed Stick equivalent for myself would be.

Speaking of Method Man, or Cheese as he is known on The Wire. The March issue of Esquire (with Schwarzenegger on the cover) totally makes up for the terrible February issue. Tom Chiarella has a great article on taking up smoking for a month - for the first time of his life - at the age of 46. A.J. Jacobs has a funny essay on manufactured optimism, Klosterman has a dead on piece on the McLaughlin group and David Simon, the creator of The Wire, has a fascinating essay on the fall of the American newspaper (he doesn't really offer up much in the way of answers but man is that guy angry).

Also, I wonder if anyone has noticed the music that plays at the beginning of The Wire this year sounds unusually like the music that plays at the beginning of Law and Order. This confounds me greatly but I think it just means that I'm delusional.

I finished another article for DRN Magazine earlier today. I'd post them here but I think there might be legal restrictions (like the Blog Police would arrest me for posting such boring shit on blogspot), hope to be back soon.

On the G-Men and Solipsism

2008-02-07T21:22:00.000-05:00

Solipsism: the theory that only the self exists, or can be proven to exist.

Allow me a moment of consideration, pedantry, and idiocy:

In our time, a time in which individuals are granted the opportunity (for better or worse) to consider their place in the world at large, everyone occasionally entertains thoughts of solipsism. How can it be that so many of the world's factors have conspired against me - One might ask. How is it that I am so fortunate to experience this moment - One might consider.

When we are aware of the world around us - as it necessitates we be - how could we not wonder how a series of coincidences have brought about our fortune? How could we not wonder how all these odd coincidences have occurred to bring about our very being?

These questions at the very least require a consideration of solipsism. And to the feeble minded, like myself, they require a very serious consideration. Particularly whenever something of monumental goodness or stark evil has occurred.

It is with that in mind that I experienced one of the greatest evils that has ever been perpetrated upon man.

Leading 3-0 in the 2004 ALCS the forces of good, that had prevailed throughout my existence - and those who had "existed" before me - suffered defeat at the hands of a force that was inarguably evil.

It was a shattering relization of what might occur - what would occur - when the world only I existed in, decided against me.

What would occur when I wore the wrong hat on October 20, 2004.

Sure, the possibility existed that it wasn't my hat. Maybe it had something to do with my shirt. My boxers. The time I lied to that brunette and ended up in a strange room in central Virginia.

Regardless, I had failed. And now I was to be punished by an overweight blowhard with a crayola red sock, an aloof illiterate and a Dominican Stay-Puft Marshmallow.

And to this suffering was added a dynastic football team lead by a Jeterian quarterback. A team that could not be stopped and a quarterback that should be respected. All from the city that brought us (brought me!) Ben Affleck, Ferdinando Sacco, Bartolomeo Vanzetti, and Cowboy Up!.

I rarely give into the fear that God exists, let alone that he has damned me, but it is even more rare that I dismiss this fear entirely. And over the last several years I have considered my own damnation more often than I care to admit.

And then Sunday, February 3, 2008 happened and I was once again assured - whether it was I alone who existed, or the millions of fans with which I stood - that if God did exist, then he loved us very much. That the highest, the biggest, of our beliefs would triumph over extremism. That greatness, largeness, would triumph over jingoism.

That Gigantism would triumph over Patriotism.

That Good would conquer Evil.

Imperfection is Beautiful

2008-02-04T13:07:00.000-05:00

Thoughts on the Giants and solipsism to come.

Well done G-Men.

What's the female opposite of a mensch?

2008-02-01T13:32:00.000-05:00

Last week I wrote about the City Journal. A publication I recently discovered and very much enjoy. But this article, on what David Brooks labeled the "Oddesy Years," is so devoid of a reasoned argument that I had to devote a post to it.

First, I reject the premise that there is something wrong with people in their 20’s waiting to get married and settle down. For our entire youth we’ve heard about 50 percent of all marriages ending in divorce. I think I remember that statistic with more clarity than any other I heard growing up. The 26 year-old in 1965 the article mentions is now twice divorced and has been paying alimony for the last 30 years. To purport that we should blindly follow the paths our parents blazed to broken homes and visitation rights is ridiculous and moronic.

Second, this paragraph: But while we grapple with the name, it’s time to state what is now obvious to legions of frustrated young women: the limbo doesn’t bring out the best in young men. With women, you could argue that adulthood is in fact emergent. Single women in their twenties and early thirties are joining an international New Girl Order, hyperachieving in both school and an increasingly female-friendly workplace, while packing leisure hours with shopping, traveling, and dining with friends [see “The New Girl Order,” Autumn 2007]. Single Young Males, or SYMs, by contrast, often seem to hang out in a playground of drinking, hooking up, playing Halo 3, and, in many cases, underachieving. With them, adulthood looks as though it’s receding.

So women in their twenties and early thirties are shopping? That is so adult of them – and so revolutionary, they must be the first generation of women to shop. They dine with friends? Nothing says adult like eating with friends.

As for her assertion that 20 something men “hang out in a playground of drinking, hooking up playing Halo 3 and, in many cases, underachieving” it’s difficult to argue against as she has provided no “facts” or “statistics” from which to examine. Although according to her characterization of the prototypical SYM in the second paragraph, he’s finished college, of which only 29% of the male population over the age of 25 has, and (according to the 7^th paragraph) he makes an average of $60,000 a year, $12,000 more than the average household income in the US. Hardly an “underachiever” by any unbiased metrics. In fact, the only area where he seems to underachieve is in the mind of Ms. Hymowitz who likely has a daughter (who shops and has dinner with friends) that just had her dreams of a $75,000 wedding dashed by a “mensch” tired of her nagging and horrified of his potential mother-in-law.

Also, it is curious to think of who these SYMs are hooking up with, certainly not the shopping adults previously mentioned.

And Third, Ms. Hymowitz makes an argument that SYMs are not interested in settling down by using a series of references to pop culture and celebrities (yes, of course Sex and the City gets a mention). Perhaps she’s onto something here, I know that I am invariably turned off when I see a woman reading gossip magazines or discussing vapid programming. But I’m not sure if she meant it that way.

One last note on this article, in this sentence: the Frat Packers are the child-man counterparts to the more conventional leads, like George Clooney and Brad Pitt.

Why does Clooney get a pass? Isn’t he the eternal child-man according to her definition? And Pitt’s been divorced for fucks sake.

Maybe it's not such a good idea to judge "manliness" by a willingness to get married and have children.

Maybe there is a reason the word settle is so prominently involved in the term settle down.

Flight of the Vultures

2008-01-28T19:19:00.000-05:00

I've taken four flights over the last two weekends and have flown a fair amount in my life. I've learned a great deal from my travels and feel that I have grown as a person as a result of the people I have met and the places I have seen.

I have also seen the darker side of travel, the seedy underbelly of the human trafficking business. Knowing this and knowing humanity as I (obviously) do, I've come to the conclusion that the primary source of mankind's unhappiness lies in our inability to streamline the boarding and unboarding processes on commercial airliners.

When we. as people, are flying from one locale to another it is usually for one of three reasons a) to work b) to vacation or c) to visit family and/or friends (sometimes mistaken for b).

These situations are usually either highly stressful or carry the burden of high expectations. Either way there is anticipation and anxiety both of which are exacerbated by tight spaces, stuffy air-flow and the near grasp of the next portion of ones trip.

This creates frustration which is first, held in to be expanded during the unboarding portion of ones trip, and second, expelled from the traveller onto those of whom he is visiting. This anger then spreads from visitee to others and eventually we have famine, drought, locusts and plague.

All because we have yet to overcome the challenge of boarding and unboarding commercial airliners.

Drunk

2008-01-24T20:17:00.000-05:00

Shouldn't there be a bar named Drunk? I think it would be a clever satirical play on all the "trendy" single name clubs. Also I hadn't planned it this way but having seen it in print it could be Drunk? instead of just of Drunk. Also, it could be Drunk. - with a period after it. Punctuation in bar names kicks ass. The stream-of-conciousness (I don't think I've ever spelt the word conciousness correctly) is due to A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius that I'm reading (having recently fallen upon the book What is the What, enjoying it and wanting to read more Eggers) and in part to a lack of time for a proper post. Other shit that I've been thinking of writing lately includes: being more interested in Best of Craigslist posts from the city in which I, or you, live - which I would think is true for most people. Note: I just asked three people in my apartment if they engage in this behavior and none of them had ever read best of craigslist, which is insane to me, take a look. Also, the hypocrisy of the NFL challenge system, by which they reward correct calls and punish for requesting them. Finally, I want to write about shit that looks and feels cool but kind of sucks - or might kind of suck but maybe doesn't (think PT Anderson films), people always come down on one side of that fence or the other. I'm a fence sitter and I think a lot of others are as well - whether or not they're willing to admit it.

Links:

Interesting article on critiques of The Wire. I'm excited about the connection of Lester and McNulty, I think that there are interesting moral implications for this combination.

Also, the City Journal has a fascinating article on the state of Black/Hispanic relations. I hadn't read the City Journal before this article but I think I will more often now.

I'll be blogging at the Rolex 24 Hours of Daytona this weekend on this blog. It's for the foundation I work for and it's a very worthy cause (I won't mention it here because it'd show up on google alerts and people I work with would read this).

Top 5 Things I Fear Are Going to Happen To Me in Texas

2008-01-18T09:18:00.000-05:00

I'm going to Texas this weekend. This will not turn out well.

5. A Mexican will emigrate into my body
4. I'll become an alcoholic, endure excessive amounts of failure, get appointed the head of an oil company, acquire minority ownership of the Texas Rangers, get elected Governor, run for the presidency, win, bring the country to its knees with my incompetency. This weekend.
3. I'll start using the expression "y'all" (I found this magazine when I typed "y'all" into google to make sure I was spelling it correctly).
2. I'll have delusions that I'm some sort of cowboy .

And the number 1 thing I fear is going to happen to me in Texas...I'll become a born again Christian

Note: I left "Get shot by a redneck with a concealed weapon" off the list because I've come to accept the inevitable nature of this concern.

I have much to write about next week including thoughts on Texas. I've been lax this week due to my responsibilities to Dance Retail News Magazine where my article on the greening of small businesses will be coming out in March.

Special note: According to my biography at the end of the article I am working on my first novel titled Excess, Success, and Recess: the life and times of Liam Grant.

Disbandment

2008-01-15T19:23:00.000-05:00

I write with a heavy heart today as I use this space to regrettably announce the breakup of my rap posse the Extroditables. We had a great run, sold hundreds of thousands of records and fucked mad bitches but it was time to call it quits and I think we all realized this.

On a semi-related note I would like to take this opportunity to announce the formation of my new Mariachi band Hermann and the Bodegas.

Comprised of the former members of Cervantes and the Extroditables, Hermann and the Bodegas feature the most groundbreaking sound of our generation. Heavily influenced by the street sound of rap groups like Cervantes and the Extroditables, Hermann and the Bodegas blend the sound of urban decay with with the plaintive tones of the violin and the festive brass of the trumpet.

Visit H and the 'Degas myspace page or check out our website www.hermannandgenericbrands.com

Lone Drinker V 2.0

2008-01-11T22:54:00.000-05:00

Hello and welcome to the fifth installment of the lone drinker. Tonight's LD is being brought to you by Rolling Rock and Fris Vodka. Rolling Rock: because most other cheap domestic beer comes in brown bottles. Fris: It probably rymes with tree but it tastes like piss.

10:58: A very late start to the lone drinker, I'm a beer deep and just watched this video. When I initially recognized the idea I thought it was almost self-evident comedy, unfortunately the idea was not fully realized.

11:15: Beer 3, sometimes I read an article and think about how stupid we will seem to future generations.

11:31: This is an idea that I hope to expand on when drunk: I read a lot of articles and hear a lot of people complaining about the stupidity of Americans and it's really starting to offend me. It doesn't offend me as an American but as a person. Frankly people are stupid. This fact is not unique to the United States it is a universal fact that a vast majority of people are stupid. Too often I read commentaries and blog posts, like this, where people pan America or Americans. The only people dumber than the subjects of these articles and posts are the people who write them and think that such behavior is unique to the US. Wake up mother fuckers, you guys are retards too.

12:28: I just slugged down beer 6 when I realized I hadn't posted in almost an hour.

12:35: This article speeks to the crisis of age that I plan on writing about in the near future. There's something abound and we haven't wrapped our minds around it yet.

1:11: When do things that we've seen/heard/experienced lose their interest and why? Alcohol seems to be one of those delightful treats that keeps on giving but much in the way of music, movies, and art seem to lose their ability to intrigue after a certain amount of examinations. Why? This drunk has no answers. 9 down (and not really drunk, lest you think I am, mother fucker. Want to fight?)

1:28: Switched to Vodka. Poured a vodka club into a Christmas Glass. I'm at the home in which I grew up (no one else is). Do any women still exsist that would put out Christmas glasses during the holiday season? Would I want to date such a woman? I don't think it's just the alcohol that makes that a freigtening proposition.

1:42: Let it be said that drinking by oneself is a wondrfully cathartic experience.

2:31: A decidedly poor LD, I just added a dose of vodka to my vodka and diet because I was upset with my output. I'm not witty, just drunk.

2:41: A plea to McNuts to write his own blog, he's got one but has yet to post: Hey dickbag, you want to write so do it. Pissing in the wind is only fun when you hit people with it.

Mvemjsnup

2008-01-11T14:28:00.000-05:00

My
space
bar
and
period
button
are
not
working,
this
makes
posting
difficult,
stay
tuned
for
a
meditation
on
second
acts
in
American
lives
period

The Ruling on "the rules"

2008-01-09T12:45:00.000-05:00

Esquire has a section in most issues (or perhaps all issues) where they have a series of "rules" presumably for modern male living. Unfortunately these "rules" are usually so goddamn esoteric college sociology professors are left wondering what they're talking about. Like Rule No. 568: The didgeridoo is the only instrument that can be displayed in your living room without you being able to play it. Thanks fellas, I had spent the last couple months contemplating whether it was a faux pas to hang my didgeridoo above my television. Crisis avoided.

In honor of the wrong turn that Esquire has taken with this gimmick, I'm going to begin posting a series of YFBFB's rules but instead of giving them weird numbers for no reason I'm just going to number them in order. I know it's novel.

Rule No. 1: If a person believes that you are going to burn in hell for eternity for not subscribing to their religion you get to think that that person and their religion are ridiculous.

The links:

Extreme Drinking, NYT style. I liked this article except at the end where every beer they rate is either 2 or 2.5 stars. What the fuck is that? The writer makes the entire article seem like the beers were surprisingly good then gives them all mediocre ratings.

100 amusing quotes, although I wish the author had stuck with historical figures, the post fades a bit when it gets to modern comedians.

The best article I've read on the softer side of Sexual Offenders in the last couple weeks. Actually it's really interesting.

This New Yorker piece is an excellent example of observational journalism. The author also does a great job of avoiding preemptively writing off the Clinton campaign as many might in a similar situation.

I don't really believe it but there are a shitload of rumors flying around the internet that the NH primaries were rigged. A healthy democracy requires a healthy amount of skepticism.

The freakonomics guys recently put together a study that had the extrapolated conclusion that prostitutes have sex with police officers more than they are arrested by them. I love those guys.

Be back tomorrow.

Zen and the Art of Dishware Maintanance

2008-01-04T18:18:00.000-05:00

If doing dishes were a sport it’d be prison soap dropping; everybody dreads it and it’s not actually a sport. Yet the importance of proper dishware maintenance cannot be overstated.

The 20^th Century brought us a great advancement in dishware maintenance (no, not Mexicans). The automatic dishwasher freed mankind from the burden of cleaning up after himself, the ultimate goal in the whole of human progression. But the automatic dishwasher has not been without its faults.

The primary con of the automatic dishwasher is that it has softened our resolve - and our hands - to manually wash dishes. This is problematic because many apartments and/or living quarters still do not have automatic dishwashers, especially those that feature several 20 somethings occupying the bedrooms (multiple people sharing dishware further heightens the importance of clean plates, utensils etc.). As a result, an entire generation has moved into our cities without a thorough understanding of how to manually wash dishes - and the dishwasher is partially to blame for all of this.

More to blame however, is sloth. Honestly, it’s just not that hard to clean a fucking plate. It’s just not that hard. Yet everywhere I go plates are piled like skyscrapers in sinks and there’s more crud on cups in cupboards that in the grimiest of sewers. This is really a matter of lack of effort.

There is no such thing as a kind of clean plate and no reason to partially clean a plate. If I’m going to bother putting a sponge to dishware it is going to be clean when I am finished. It’s a character flaw to hold a contrary opinion.

Further, it’s not just the top of a plate or the inside of a glass that needs to be cleaned. When one puts a plate in a cupboard it is generally on top of another plate, logic dictates that the bottom of the invading plate must be clean to maintain the cleanliness of the initial plate. And a glass generally has a person putting their lips on the inside and the outside of its rim, therefore the rim needs to be cleaned - inside and out.

Dishware Maintenance is not rocket science and its not gang anal raping but it is an important aspect of comfortable living. Think about that next time you pick up a sponge (or a bar of soap).

Like a Woman Who Makes Her Living Off of Words She Can't Properly Define

2008-01-03T17:39:00.000-05:00

I recognize the irony of writing the last post and then not posting for a week but sometimes life gets in the way. Anyway a couple quick thoughts, two links and a promise to be back tomorrow:

Can one be insane without being mad or mad without being insane?

An amusing aspect of modern living: my roommates and I have a toothbrush holder that doesn't really fit on our sink (it stands but whenever you turn the water on or off the cold water arm bangs into it). It's just inconvenient enough to piss me off every time I use it but just convenient enough to keep me from purchasing a new one. I have friends that have ice trays that are unusually shaped and kind of a pain in the ass. However, they hold water and when placed in a freezer create ice. Things that are just convenient enough to piss us off consistently without doing anything about them. I don't think these are isolated incidents.

I bought The National's record Alligator last week and it's gone a long way to confirming my suspicion that the National might be the best band on the planet right now (or at least New York anyway).

Two very funny old Onion articles:
Barbaro and in honor of the Iowa Caucasus

Be back tomorrow.

Your New Year's Resolution

2007-12-27T13:49:00.000-05:00

In the book Jitterbug Perfume, Pan, a centaur-like God loses power as the number of his human believers dwindles. The argument made by author Tom Robbins, by way of fantastical novel, is that the things that are important in life aren’t the actual thing but rather the belief in the thing.[1]

The Superhero Complex is the belief in that thing in all of us.

We all have abilities that we believe are exceptional. Skills like cooking, painting, decorating, arguing, dressing, trading stocks, anything under the sun that we (a) really enjoy doing and (b) think we are uncommonly good at.

The Superhero Complex is the belief that in one area of our lives, in one specific way, we are extraordinary. The Superhero Complex needn’t be confirmed by any third party or objective source, it need only exist within the individual.

The Superhero Complex in all of us is what is great about humanity. It isn’t that we are all actually great or extraordinary at something it is that we believe we are. The pursuit of the Superhero Complex activity is the purest and truest way for each of us to spend our time. The loss of the Superhero Complex is the saddest fate that can befall an individual and has led to untold misery.

My Superhero Complex is my belief that I have ideas that are worth sharing. I share these ideas through this space and the point isn't whether or not I succeed in garnering a wide readership but the pursuit of my Superhero Complex. When I write and when I post I am feeding my Superhero Complex and that is the most important aspect of the complex and its universal truth. We are our happiest when we believe in our Superhero Complex and pursue that in which we believe.

For my New Years resolution I am pledging to pursue my Superhero Complex with greater vigor. I recommend you decide what your Superhero Complex is and go after it like the pro you think you are (even if no one else does).

Because God only ceases to exist in the hearts of those that don’t believe in him.[2]

[1] This assertion could be entirely wrong.

[2] I’m one of them (kind of).

10 Things I Would do if I Were a Famous Rapper

2007-12-21T15:35:00.000-05:00

The great thing about being a famous rapper is that I'm essentially supposed to be as self-indulgent as possible. Even things that I might not actually want, I have to indulge myself so that I seem excessively indulgent. Not all of us famous rappers actually care about having chrome rims (note: I could be entirely wrong about this) but we all roll on 22's. Not all of us famous rappers think men should wear diamonds but we all rock so much ice we could be glaciers. So I put together a list of excessively self-indulgent Things I am Going to do Because I'm a Famous Rapper:

10. Hire a band to follow me everywhere playing my own personal soundtrack. (eg. when I'm running they play Hustlin' by Rick Ross (while running behind me). When I'm tagging one of my bitches they play Biggie's I'm Fucking You Tonight, when I'm making sweet love to my hood rat chick they play Marvin Gaye or Bill Withers etc.)
9. Commission a cologne that smells like money. (After writing this I googled "money cologne" and found this).
8. Wear excessive amounts of said cologne.
7. Have women crawl behind me wherever I walk.
6. Have women walk in front of me throwing rose pedals in my path.
5a. Purchase a small building in Time Sq
5b. Knock the building down
5c. Erect a bronze statue of myself in its place
4. Not carry a cell phone
3. Tattoo a $100 bill on my forehead.
2. Have gold bullets with my initials engraved on them in platinum.

And the number one thing I'm going to do because I'm a famous rapper and need to be self-indulgent is...

1. Kidnap 50 Cent and make him work a desk job.

Rehashment and Endorsement

2007-12-20T17:24:00.001-05:00

I forgot to mention something in yesterday's post. The Princeton story provides a good test for journalists who wish to present information in a fair and balanced manner (which having gone to journalism school, I know few do). The test is simply this: If the crux of a politically divisive story turns out to be flatly false, are you still be happy with the way in which you reported it?

Obviously a journalist should never be happy with reporting false information but in a case like the Princeton story a reporter has no choice but to report the information available. As long as its done in a manner that is free of bias their conscience should be clear and they should be happy with their work. Too often a sense of glee pervades the reporting of stories that favor a certain perspective. Good journalists avoid that crutch.

On another note, I just realized that you can listen to all of Okkervil River's fantastic fourth album, Stage Names on MySpace. Wonderful record by a very good band, check it out if you have the time.

Why is it called "overheard"? Question mark?

2007-12-19T13:17:00.000-05:00

It should be "overlistened". Most people pay far more attention to conversations they overlisten to than those they are involved in.

For the uninitiated: Overheard in New York

On the American jury system:

I took the Are you a Political Radical quiz on blogthings (a killer killing-time site) the other day and ended up in an argument over whether people on a jury should be able to vote "not guilty" if they think the law is wrong. I am absolutely in favor of this practice.

We live in a society that is highly stratified politically. A cursory glance at America's 43 presidents reveals a striking similarity. The fact that they're all white men says a lot about racism and sexism but it speaks even more to a socioeconomic divide between those in this country that make the decisions and those that are forced to live with them (which also says something about racism and sexism but I'm getting off topic).

If we the people are unable to get elected those that express our beliefs through the channels allotted to us by the forefathers (well at least to the white land owning males among us) than we must assume power through other means.

If I am in a jury box, yawning through a trial, and the man that awaits judgement in front of me is being tried for marijuana use and/or distribution, there is absolutely no way that I am convicting. Period. (Quick aside: Wouldn't it be funny if people started using that prop for other punctuation marks? Question mark? I really think it would! Exclamation point!)

Those that argue of the dangers of runaway jurors talk about the structure of government and the importance of law and order but sometimes the government is plain wrong. And if a person truly believes that the accused is not guilty of a "natural" law then they have a moral responsibility to vote not guilty. Just as one would have had the moral responsibility to do so when abolitionists were being put to trial for abetting slave escapes or any of the other myriad mistakes our government has made in a little over 200 years.

Links:

I've been following this bizarre story about a Princeton pro-marriage student who beat himself up in an attempt to vilify those that opposed him. This is the link to the Princeton Conservative blog site.

This is the link to the former site of the on-line editor at Esquire, Eric Gillin (among others). They stopped producing new content at the beginning of 2006 but there's a lot there to sink your teeth into.

Being a man who rarely consumes one Guinness but frequently consumes many, I was happy to see that I'm going to be extra healthy.

Have a nice day. Period.

WTF Mate?

2007-12-14T14:06:00.000-05:00

I accidentally own a pair of Seven jeans. I hadn't realized they were Seven jeans when I bought them and may have reconsidered the purchase due to my antipathy toward flashy designer labels but nevertheless I own a pair of Seven jeans.

I am lazy. I pay people to do my laundry, they wash it, dry it, and fold it for 60 cents a pound. It's almost as cheap as if I were to do it myself, but still I have to actually bring the laundry to the laundromat (which is 32 steps from the front door of my apartment). I did this yesterday for the first time in several weeks.

I am not wearing any underwear. Not in like a sexy Sharon Stone kind of way but in a "I don't have access to any boxers because all of them are at the laundromat" kind of way. And the point of this whole, seemingly pointless, string of words is that Seven jeans are uncommonly comfortable commando pants. I'm free and I'm lovin' every minute of it! Kudos to Seven, you may sell exorbitantly priced jeans and probably exploit child labor to do so but man do you guys make a nice pair of pants to wear when your not wearing any underwear.

Also:

There is a BMW showroom on Wall St. that I walk by everyday on my way to work. There is a sign on the store that says something to the effect of "No dogs allowed except dogs for the visually impaired," this intrigues me greatly. Are there allot of blind people looking to purchase BMW's in Manhattan? Are any of the people reading this sign visually impaired? Do people often take their dog for a walk and decide to buy a BMW? These questions plague my daily commute.

In summation:

I'm going to be a contributing writer for Dance Retailer Magazine. I am uncertain what that will entail but I imagine it will include exposing the dirt of the dance retail industry. Frankly for too long the dance retail industrial complex has corrupted the minds of our youth and I'm just the man to put them in their place. The first and last sentence of this paragraph are true, have a good weekend.

The Warren Effect

2007-12-12T16:59:00.000-05:00

Everyone has a retard thing. A retard thing is the lack of knowledge of a fact or bit of wisdom that is so utterly common it makes others laugh with scorn when they learn it has passed by their conversation partner.

The retard thing lurks in the recess of the brain, looking for its baseball, waiting to strike an unsuspecting victim. Sometimes the retard thing is so pervasive that it returns even after the initial slip up, further haunting its victim.

My retard thing is that I often confuse the word animal for the word mammal. I don't know why I do this and it invariably draws the ire of my conversation companions but I'm still always hesitant to use the word animal when referring to fish or reptiles.

Another example - within the fish er animal kingdom - a friend thought that tuna was the food name for dolphins (eg. venison; deer). (Aside: this was my friend Miguel Bonaparte, who said this while actually eating tuna, I love the fact that animal activists are all up in arms about tuna fishermen catching dolphins in their nets and not releasing them while Miguel actually thought he was actively eating dolphins).

Other examples include: A person who thought "soap operas" were called "sobapras"; a person who thought that Costa Rica was an island until a year ago because it's name sounds island-like; the common misconception of "intents and purposes" for "intensive purposes"; etc.

Two other notes:

Anyone familiar with Nip/Tuck or the OC is familiar with AnnaLynne McCord the young sexpot placed on both shows to stir up controversy and frustrate aging virgins. What those familiar with her may not know is that it is very, very difficult to find her age on the internet. (If you want to try for yourself, go now, I'll wait). It took me nearly 30 minutes before I came across this link which puts her age at either 19 or 20 years-old depending on her birthday. I find it to be really interesting that her or those that represent her (or Nip/Tuck) have gone to such great lengths to disguise her age.

And finally, congratulations to my New York Football Giants for setting the NFL single season record for most headlines that employ the word "escape" when describing victory. We couldn't be prouder fellas.

Potter's Post

2007-12-10T17:34:00.000-05:00

When I don’t know what to listen to I have a couple of handfuls of albums I listen to that I know will keep my attention and require little commitment of thought.

Kill the Moonlight is one of the aforementioned and this made me briefly think of you. This also gave me a reason to open up a word document and quite literally use you to un-board myself. And because of this, it made me mull something over that may be interesting to you and two or three other people I know – not that there aren’t others ironing their favorite tie while listening to Cream or Interpol or even the Ramones that wouldn’t also find this interesting – it’s just that I don’t know them and I don’t want to, because anyone ironing a tie while listening to Ramones has to find another job or at least a second job that will make them satisfied.

But I don’t think everyone has two handfuls of albums they can listen to when they don’t feel like deciding what to listen to. I assume you aren’t one of these people and I encourage you to play this little game yourself – how many CD’s would you grab at and both have memorized the content and not care that that content may not in anyway be pertinent to the present situation.

I’ve driven on a sun-drenched desolate road on the rural side of Waldo County Maine, wind lining in through the sunroof across my forehead and forking out the front and rear open windows, and listened to Johnny Cash kill himself with a smile on his face. I can study to Rusted Root without losing my place on the page. I can wake up to Rage and eat breakfast with the Times without making that lacquered plaster/aluminum scratch a knife makes when it’s handler is too emotionally angry to not look ridiculous while sitting at table.

Now this might be a point in which you think, how terrible. He doesn’t find emotion in music. That is anti-symptomatic of music lover’s plight. But you didn’t let me finish. I’ve also sang to a bartender, ‘fuck you I won’t do what you tell me,’ because she scathed at me to stop studying her breasts and spent the rest of the night repeating the inspirational words, ‘people of the sun, it’s coming back around again,’ again and again.

[there is a large blank space here in which I think I was supposed to make an argument – I didn’t, so just keep reading and don’t think so much]

My possibly complete, but it’s unlikely, list of all-purpose CD’s:Kill the Moonlight, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, Ten, August and Everything After, Rage Against the Machine, Hot Fuss,Graceland, The Concert in Central Park, Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, American Beauty, Elephant, London Calling, Billy Breathes, Hoist, A Quick One,Tough Gong, Mellow Gold, Audioslave, Purple, Nirvana Unplugged, Kristofferson, Appetite for Destruction, Funeral, Best of the Talking Heads, White Blood Cells and Is This It (that was fun, you should really try it).

I count 26 – which is extremely weird because that is my lucky number, and the lucky number of every rugby player to go through [edited] in the last 15 years (the rugby house is on 26 [edited] Street; one time Waldo Italiani won $3200 by betting variations of 26 on Keno the first time he ever played Keno; I’ve won perhaps $3000 betting 26 at Foxwoods, etc.). I’ll take a minute or more to explain the roots of when each of my choices became untouchably important:

I became obsessed with Kill the Moonlight when I was at [edited] and the schlockrod (the name of the blue olds cutlass sierra I beat to the ground) was stuck in as now bank on the bottom of the driveway at 26. I traded time shoveling around the car and sheltering myself from the 10 degree weather inside the warmth of the schlockrod. I listened carefully to Spoon while I watched liquid dirt seep through the floorboards of the car – and was both moved by the music and the previously unknown phenomenon of melted snow’s ability to enter a car through its bottom.

Bowie b/c no one can understand what it’ll be like for the world to end and thought experiments make me strangely contented.

Ten because the first time I remember saying ‘fuck’ in front of my father was when [edited] and I were in Maine in October putting the dock in the water and jumping into the lake while singing ‘Even Flow.’ And because without that album I’d be a completely different person and probably love Justin Timberlake.

The Counting Crows because I actually can admit I cried at their concert and because I was caught by a Jones Beach Park Ranger having sex with [edited] in the front seat of my car outside the aforementioned concert (which reminds me: were you at that Alman’s concert when the beer cooler broke and a man yelled ‘beer for all’ and40 people swarmed and scavenged all the beer Olie bought at Sunny’s?).

Rage because I like to pretend they were special to me when I was younger, but actually I was scared of what they were saying, and only later when I was in Barcelona for the first time and I read the lyrics in full to ‘Fuck the Police’on the side of a wall did I think that maybe this was a band I could now identify with.

The Killers for obvious reasons to any one of us who has soul but isn’t a soldier.

Paul Simon because he was one of the few artist that my whole family could agree upon when driving to Maine as a child (Billy Joel, Meatloaf and the Carpenters are the other), and I thought even then that mixing music from two completely different cultures successfully deserves merit (Graceland) and I thought it was cool that my parents would let us listen to him when he would say ‘lose joints’in public (The Concert in Central Park). And I have a distinct memory of telling one of my mom’s friends that Richard Cory was my favorite song because he happened to put a bullet in his head – and it taught me at a young age that Republicans aren’t all happy with their lives. And I learned a lot about my mother when she thought the Boxer taking comfort in the arms of a prostitute was understandable and not deplorable.

The Flaming Lips because as I mentioned with Bowie, thought experiments and albums that tell a story are made to be listened to all the way through.

The Dead because I literally watched my metal-head devil worshiping sister and brother take a u turn and idolize the habits of Jerry Garcia rather than Gene Simons.

The White Stripes because without them, the Goo Goo Dolls (or their inspired replacement) would probably still be considered the best band in American Rock. And because Jack White speaks to relationships the way I think about them in my head when I’m alone but would never say to the one I love at the time.

The Clash because discovering them was discovering that I liked music.

Phish because I hadn’t smoke pot until just after college because I detested drugs because my family had been so affected my them, but wanted to partake –so I just went to Phish shows and got contacts highs – seriously. And because [edited] wrote his essay to get into Hopkins while high drinking a handle of rum while in a hotel room in Auburn, Massachusetts before a concert.

The Who because they figured out operettas could be put to rock music and the aforementioned albums by Bowie and the Flaming Lips would have never have happened otherwise. And because I’ve never been one to put posters on my wall, but I had a Who poster on my wall junior year.

Marley because finding peace is something I’ve always idolized, because I have no idea how to do it.

Beck because I found something that my parents wouldn’t let me play in their house.

Audioslave because I felt angry and they let me be angry and discover emotions at the same time.

STP because I learned how to rock out to them.

Nirvana because they changed my life and they’re the most important band of our generation

KK because he kept me sane while studying for med school tests – and allowed me to feel alone because no med student knows who he is.

GnR because they were the only band that my sister made me listen to that I actually wanted to listen to (and Pink Floyd – but I was too scared to sit through a whole album when I was 6).

The Arcade Fire b/c Bowie says so, but also because they represent something entirely new to me even though they use concepts that are entirely unnew; and they sing a song about Haiti so I guess now I’m obliged.

The Talking Heads because the way they get weird is the same way I like to get weird at 4:30AM.

The Strokes because they (along with the aforementioned WS) changed rock for the better – and I once drank a fifth of JD with [edited] listening to the album for the first time – and they were the first band I saw on Conan that hadn’t yet released a major album and then did because of their appearance and so I started to like Conan a whole lot more.

Maybe I’m right and am special for trying to find 26 albums I can listen to in any situation; maybe I’m wrong and am even more special for trying.(I blame this email on Chuck Klostermann; I’ve now actually read every word he’s written in a book and I still like him – this makes me question if I might not like myself)

Dont you feel it growin, day by day Part I

2007-12-07T15:29:00.000-05:00

Last week my friend Potter sent me an email recounting the 26 albums he listens to when he can’t decide what to listen to. This list included many great records, was very well written and highly entertaining (with permission from Potter, ie. a wave of his sorcerers wand, I’ll post it in this space). But the premise doesn’t actually work for the way I listen to music. I tend to take between 7 and 14 listens to love an album during which a 5-step process occurs 1) I listen to the record once through and find a couple tracks I like 2) listen to those tracks a few times while my taste for the other tracks grow in concentric circles (ie. if track 4 kicks ass I’ll probably like tracks 3 and 5 before 9 even if it’s a better song) 3) I have a startling revelation that the record totally kicks ass from play till stop 4) I listen to it 4 times a day for 2 months 5) I ween myself off only to return when a track surfaces somewhere in my grey matter and possibly starts the cycle over again.

This cycle has probably happened two to three times a year since I first consciously heard Michael Jackson argue about the genetics of an infant in falsetto sing-song. Below are a few albums I distinctly remember devouring like a pothead with Funyuns in chronological order from when they entered my realm.

Michael Jackson Thriller – I liked Thriller so much I choreographed a break dance to the entirety of Billie Jean and used to perform in front of the summer camp my father ran. I was 4 at the time.

Snoop Dog Doggystyle – Fast-forward to the impressionable days of middle school when all I wanted to do was drink Tanqueray and bang bitches in my parents’ living room. I must have listened to Lodi Dodi about 5,000 times.

Hootie and the Blowfish Cracked Rear View – Not only were Hoot and the Fish the first band that I ever saw in concert, but CRV was the first CD I ever owned. My first CD player woke me up every 8th grade morning with Only Want to be With You and while I may joke, I look back on that record with a great deal of fondness. The perfect album for the time, never would have made it in the cynical world of now (both my “now” and the collective “now”).

Dave Matthews Band Under the Table and Dreaming – I’m not sure if I listened to this record because I liked it or because everyone I knew liked it but I still know that Ants Marching is on by the second drumbeat.

G Love and Special Sauce Yeah, It’s That Easy – Tower records used to be one of the only record stores with listening stations (when Tower Records used to be a record store). I was walking by one that had YITE for listening and as my nickname at the time was G Love, I felt obligated to check it out. Four tracks and 18 minutes later I was on-line on my way to an extended love affair with a black sounding, Philly born, prep-school raised, lanky, white, blues singer.

Beastie Boys Paul’s Boutique – my personal favorite BB record and definitely the most critically underrated in their collection. I remember arguing that Paul’s Boutique was a superior record to Check Your Head in my 11th grade physics class. I do not remember anything else about 11th grade physics class.

Be back on Monday with part II (which has much better music, I promise)

Katt Williams American Hustle Intro

2007-12-06T13:51:00.001-05:00

I can't believe how funny this dude is and I just learned about him last night. That's poor form on my part. This video is part of a larger movie/stand-up dvd that is not to be missed. Also that song is Hustlin by Rick Ross and my loose leaf white ass worked out to it everyday for a good two months so that opening is spot on.

Like a Fine Wine

2007-12-05T14:14:00.001-05:00

It takes a long time for a person to realize they're young
- Pablo Picasso

Last night I went to Radar Magazine’s toast to the “New Radicals” - not the band - which they were billing as a celebration of the “most exciting rogues, renegades, and rule-breakers of the year.” I don’t know about all that but Ed Koch was there as well as Bret and Mel from Flight of the Conchords and a bunch of people who wear funny hats and feel comfortable with open displays of homosexuality.

The event was held at the newly renovated New Museum (I could devote a whole post to complaining about this name but for readability sake I wont) and there was an open bar which proves that you don’t only get what you give.

I got plastered on free Svedka vodka, and stumbled around trying not to knock over any of the coke heads. At one point I thought I saw John McEnroe and then I realized it was just an old guy. That was the type of party it was. Everyone was young and everyone was trying to see famous people. There is a certain look people assume when trying to see famous people and it requires they look through everyone who is not famous. Many of the individuals at the party struck me as the type of people who always look through everyone who is not famous.

Anyway, the party was generally forgettable much like the magazine which I always confuse for a music mag but the McEnroe incident did get me thinking about age.

One day last summer I went out to the east end of Long Island to visit my grandparents. We were all sitting in their den when my grandfather complained that often times he doesn’t hear what my grandmother says because the pitch of her voice is not picked up by his hearing aid to which I said “it’s either that or the 60 years of marriage.” For the next three seconds (the longest of my life) there was dead silence in the room and then thunderous laughter from both of them.

They laughed because they thought it was funny but more importantly they laughed because they would have laughed at such a joke for their entire lives. I’m slowly coming to realize that we’re always the same. No matter how old I get I’ll always be the same person as I am right now. Getting older might change my activities and behavior but it is not going to change my outlook on life or who I am at the core. I’ll still laugh at the same things I think are funny now and I’ll still get angry at the things that anger me now. And as far as behavior goes I’ll still want to get drunk and flirt with pretty girls. The fact that I wont be able to is inconsequential because I’ll still want to do it and that’s what really matters. That’s who I really am.

Hit 'Em Up

2007-11-28T13:12:00.000-05:00

Before we get to the worst film in the history of modern cinema I’d like to acknowledge the J-train subway conductor who sounds like Ving Rhames. Few things cheer up a dreary winter morning like imagining your subway conductor saying “Please stand clear of the closing doors…and wait for the Wolf who will be coming directly.”

That guy could put a smile on my face in the middle of a rectal exam.

And Now: & Thank you for coming to Lowes, sit back and relax, enjoy the show &:

About 45 minutes into Hitman, a soon-to-be victim of Agent 47 (i.e. Hitman), says “you think it’s done but it’s only just beginning,” the exasperation on the face of Agent 47 was matched and surpassed by the horror on mine. I knew he was right, I knew we had at least another hour left, but how was this possible, how could they expect so little from me while taking so much?

I had gone into Hitman with some serious reservations. I was suspicious because a good deal of money was spent on special effects and marketing but the producers had been unable to secure a big name actor for the lead roll. My reservations were further aroused when I was informed (about an hour before the movie) that it was based on a video game. There are two formulas that I find useful when predicting the quality of a film:

Lots of production money – big name actor = shitty flick
Video game movie – ninja turtles = shitty flick

And a new one after seeing Hitman:

Lots of production money – big name star – ninja turtles = bonding with fellow movie goers as thoughts of ritual suicide pass through our collective minds

Still at the outset of the film I was willing to give it a chance. I wanted to like Hitman, I wanted to relax and enjoy a Bond type film. I don’t mind suspending a bit of disbelieve, I liked The Transporter. But this shit was unbearable.

Absolutely unbelievable scenes:

1. Our hero, Agent 47, wears a suit and has a bar code tattooed on the back of his shaved head yet at no point does this arouse suspicion FROM ANYBODY. This premise might be acceptable if he spent his time in underground vampire clubs but he eats at nice restaurants and walks the street in squares in which Russian dignitaries are about to give speeches (and he’s about to assassinate them). I get the feeling somebody might notice a fellow like that.

2. At one point Agent 47 walks into an abandoned train car and is greeted by a man with a gun trained on him. He too has his gun trained on the man. Then, two other men step on the train and each of the four have two guns trained on them and two guns trained on other men. They all walk toward each other to the point that they are almost touching when Agent 47 announces “lets die like men” and they all drop their guns, pull out swords and fight to the death. The only problem is that they are all fighting him. If they were all going to fight him why did they have their guns trained on each other only seconds earlier? (Alright, that is not the “only problem” with that scene but it is a fundamental one). This movie was so stupid it made me wish I smoked crack.

3. A love interest develops between Agent 47 and a former concubine of the Russian President. I was going to elaborate, but that sentence stands on its own.

Other notes:

I’m fairly certain Agent 47’s name is an homage to Forty-seven Ronin but that might be giving the minds behind this way too much credit.

The film takes place in 5 or 6 different cities throughout Europe and Russia. Each time a scene opens in a new city the name of the city is typed along the bottom left of the screen in addition to the country with no other information. The amount of credit the film gives its audience is evidenced by the need to tell us that Big Ben is in London, England - Oh, I had thought London, Texas, and St. Petersburg? They have one of those in Russia too? Crazy shit man.

Beliefs Without Reason ie. Religion

2007-11-21T11:09:00.000-05:00

Last week my friends and I were debating the relative merits of drawing a red X on the front door of the apartment building in which one resides. As far as I can figure the only real "pro" that it delivers is tremendous comedic value. The "cons" include frightening/horrifying neighbors, possible arrest and the unintentional demolition of ones own living quarters. I endorse virtually any and all behavior done in the name of comedy but I cannot endorse this act of vandalism.

The reason has nothing to do with jail or (the admittedly unlikely) destruction of my building. It's rather due to interpretation of the red X by my neighbors, and there is an ethical inconsistency in that logic.

Every action we take is subject to the interpretation of those whom the action affects. Every time we joke, every time we avoid eye contact, every time we make eye contact, every time we avoid small talk, every time we ask a question, anything, can be misperceived as a slight of some sort. So why would I have any reservations about a joke that poses no physical harm to other people (barring building demolition)?

I don't know.

But I do.

Why has our generation failed to produce any "cool" men?

I'm not sure I can live in world in which Shia LaBeouf and Ryan Gosling are the "it" guys. I have nothing against either of these two gentlemen, I'm not even sure if I've ever seen a movie with either of them in it. But I am certain that they are not cool in the way that Johnny Depp and Frank Sinatra and Steve McQueen and Samuel L. Jackson were/are cool. What is it that has prevented our generation from producing the icons of cool the way that previous generations have? Why is the coolest man under the age of 40 - according to virtually any objective metric - the former lead singer of a boy band? We can't do better than that? I mean could we please find some one respectable for Scarlett Johansson to have sex with for Christ's sake.

The wonders of google analytics.

Google analytics allows me to track the amount of hits this blog gets. It's pretty neat and a useful tool to see if I'm writing anything that is worthwhile and/or what people enjoy reading about. It also allows me to see what terms people search on google in order to arrive at my blog. Below are some of the stranger searches that have resulted in hits:

stripper art portrait
tom tancredo's logo, button, or campaign slogan
cool asian cliques (the logic behind someone searching this escapes me entirely)
cliquish asians
passed out asian chick
older men than 60 y o fucking eachother (this one is particularly disturbing and I have no idea how this blog possibly shows up on that search)
garbage man party
dr. phil + sleezy
and last but certainly not least: bestiality bloger (yikes)

With that, enjoy being thankful.

Living to Kill Yourself

2007-11-16T09:20:00.000-05:00

I saw a band called Scotland Yard Gospel Choir at a small venue in Brooklyn last night. When we walked in they were playing at a verrry slow tempo and it appeared as though the lead singer might hang himself with the microphone chord. Somehow by the end of the show the band was dancing around the stage and singing about their feelings for young men (quick aside - so the name of the song – which happens to be their second single – is, I never knew I could feel this way about a boy, (which I think is a joke) and the band is all dudes minus the bassist who’s a rail thin, punkish-looking rock chick. So it occurred to me that it would be funny for them to say the lyrics were written by her. Further aside – rail thin bassist chick was wearing a green tank top that said “This is the Irish Curse” and she also happened to be an overwhelmingly pail, red haired, freckled woman. If she has the gall to make fun of her own appearance to that extent she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen).

The show was free and more than worth the price of admission. The band reminded me of Belle and Sebastian but I thought that might just be because Belle and Sebastian are Scottish. Upon a bit of research this morning I discovered that they did in fact remind me of Belle and Sebastian (that linked review was fucking harsh btw).

After we went to a place called Trash Bar that served $4 PBR’s. Honestly, if your gonna serve $4 PBR’s you don’t get to call yourself Trash Bar. How about Overpriced Place That Sounds Badass but Really Isn’t Bar – fit that on your sign bitches.

Several entirely unrelated notes and some links:

Rail thin has funny cocaine connotations

I just finished Killing Yourself to Live and Of Mice and Men. Both were excellent. That John Steinbeck might be on to something.

This story has some pretty interesting implications for the future of media, I’m not sure where I stand.

RIP Norman Mailer, I wish more writers could paint a picture with a pen like you.

I had seen this link on Reddit and Digg for a couple days before finally watching the trailer. Not sure if it’s going to be good or funny or worthwhile but it’s certainly unique.

Have a good weekend.

Morning

2007-11-14T09:31:00.000-05:00

Not again.

Already?

Struggle, stretch, cold, cold, cold, piss...

Shower.

Did I already use the shampoo?

Clothes. Day.

I walk fast, I'm late (most of the time), I pass people.

Subway. Read, try not to look at phone for time, look at phone for time.

8:58: "Last stop, Broad St."

I want to be the first one out of the subway. Not out of the car or train but out of underground. I derive a frightening amount of satisfaction from this success.

Walk. Fast.

Pass two asian cops, never seen two asian cops together in New York. I've seen two asian cops in Tokyo, are there two white cops in Tokyo?

Boots. God bless the women of New York.

Eyes. She gives'em, I squint.

Bagel, coffee. Same cart, same pleasantries, same order. I have cart brand loyalty.

$2.00, "Have a good day fellas"

Elevator, desk, 9:06.

Asleep 40 minutes ago?

Southspacebook

2007-11-12T20:58:00.000-05:00

My new recommendation/prediction/suggestion is for South Park to do an episode on social networking communities. Myspace and Facebook have taken over the social existences of people between the ages of 3 and 30 to a degree that is unfathomable (and certainly would have seemed completely preposterous no more than 5 years ago). The communities - the way they shape our lives, the way they alter our perspective of others, the way we try to alter others perspective of us, and the bizarre goups and events they spawn - are a comic goldmine just waiting for prospectors Stone and Parker. I would be very surprised if a full season goes by before they take on this topic.

Interesting note: I watched Saturday evening's Mosley/Cotto fight at a friend's place on 34th Street in Manhattan. He lives on the 13th floor and has a clear view of the Empire State Building from his living room (where we were watching the fight). The fight took place at Madison Square Garden and at one point a camera shot panned around the City and particularly the Empire State Building as Jim Lampley described what a wonderful night it was in New York. Lampley was correct in his description of the evening and the camera displayed the ESB in a radiant red towering over the city. The only problem was that the Empire State Building was yellow on Saturday night. Apparently the $50 pay-per-view subscribers offer up for fights only allows for stock filler footage. I guess we can't complain though, if boxing had structured its business model after the NFL or MLB they wouldn't even have money for that - oh wait, that's not true at all.

Movie thoughts: I saw No Country for Old Men last night. Afterwards I described it as Texas' American Gangster and although I haven't seen AG it seems to fit. The pacing is slow and at times painfully slow but the story is excellent and having read Cormac McCarthy's work in the past, I think the Coen's probably did the book justice. The cinematography is amazing, particularly to someone from the Northeast who isn't accustomed to seeing past the corner delivery truck. The ending is unexpected, original and unusual. All in all, I'd give it a Pitchfork score of 8.267.

Be back soon with the moronification of Yfbfb's reading interests.

Blog of Horses

2007-11-09T10:16:00.000-05:00

Band of Horses show, Terminal 5, Manhattan's west side:

There were two opening acts. The first was a one man act (who's name I've forgotten and can't seem to locate - I'm nursing a pretty nasty hangover right now). There's just not enough going on in one-man acts to properly whet my musical appetite. Plus one-man acts seem suspicious. Is the man so intolerable that no one will be in his band? Does he have really bad BO? These questions distract from the music (plus he just wasn't very good).

The second act was a band called the Drones who were programmed to play very, very bad music. Every song they played had a bridge where they broke down to one (or no) instruments before building it back up. This technique is great in small doses (Radiohead's Let Down being the best example) but when done over and over it becomes a crutch.

On a non-music level this band also annoyed to the point of repulsion. The lead singer convulsed rather than danced, the bassist stood with her back to the crowd for most of the time and the lead guitarist looked like he was in a Dolce and Gabana ad. I do not like the Drones.

Then Band of Horses came out and hit like a six footer. These guys really love playing music together and it was very evident. Ben Bridwell, BoH's lead singer, said at one point that the show was the largest the band had ever done. This was not evident. They play a type of music that is well suited for large concert halls, anthemic songs like Funeral and Is There a Ghost seem like they were made with large venues in mind. And BoH performed them with an excitement at the big venue realization. If you haven't checked out BoH do so, otherwise we'll fistfight again.

Two strange occurrences:

Today I walked past a group of construction workers on Wall Street who were listening to NPR.

Yesterday there was a headline on espn.com that said "Jim Kelly breaks down Tom Brady's keys to success" - this is like Custer breaking down Patton's WWII plans - I'll find my analysis elsewhere, thanks.

Links:
http://freakonomics.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/10/24/monkeys-are-machiavellian-too/
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2007/11/12/071112fa_fact_gladwell
http://www.newyorker.com/talk/financial/2007/11/12/071112ta_talk_surowiecki
I'm a Giant's fan so I particularly enjoyed this article but it's an excellent piece of sports writing.
Submitted by McNuts: One of the funniest opening lines to a "news" story in long while.
http://sawse.com/2007/11/02/25-photographs-taken-at-the-exact-right-time/
Awesome

SNL Bites YFBFB: Makes Idea Less Funny

2007-11-05T20:51:00.000-05:00

Last week I wrote that Saturday Night Live should do a skit in which they spoof the I-Phone commercials. On Saturday, SNL did a skit in which they spoof the I-Phone commercials. Of course true to form, the skit isn't nearly as funny as it could be but that's to be expected.

On another note, the other day I was sitting around with a couple friends, expanding our intellectual horizons, when I broke out Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs and read through the series of 23 questions Chuck Klosterman claims to ask everyone he encounters to find if he can really love them. After picking through a couple randomly we came upon this one:

Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University (Yfbfb's alma mater) announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Most of the 23 questions are open-ended and leave a good amount of room for debate. Upon first read I had thought this was also a question worthy of debate, I was wrong.

The only answer that allows for cohesion of moral belief is that if the "super gorilla" is capable of reproducing (fertile children) with humans then he is allowed to play. If he is not, then he cannot. The reason this argument holds true is that if the "super gorilla" is capable of procreation with humans then he is not a gorilla at all, he is a human. And if he is a human than he must be afforded the same opportunities as other humans.

Those who would argue that the beast's origins in a laboratory disqualify him from competing in organized competitions have a difficult argument to make, one that is certainly fraught with moral and ethical peril (I love writing like a philosopher).

We live in a time when many children are more a product of the lab than they are of loving parents. The first "test-tube" baby was born in 1978, and since then there have been myriad advances in conception technology that allow children to be born to those who could not have children on their own. There is no debate as to whether these children would be allowed to compete in the NFL and there should not be.

Be back tomorrow with a review of Band of Horses at Terminal 5 from Sunday night.

Lone Drinker V

2007-10-31T20:37:00.000-04:00

Editor's note: This is the fifth installment of the lone drinker. The previous four installments can be found here: I, II, III, IV. As always this is entirely unedited:

8:50: Tonights lone drinker is being brought to you by a magnum of First Run Shiraz with a bottle of Svedka Vodka as the backup. First Run: Making costomers wish we provided samples since 2005. Svedka Vodka: Because consuming rubbing alcohol is illegal since 1973.

8:58: Tonight I will be viewing two straight hours of MTV. The line up includes a half hour of the Hills, an hour of The Real World and a half hour of Pageant Place (I've never heard of this show). I wish I could keep a running tally of which substance is killing brain cells faster, alcohol or MTV.

9:08: Humanity has yet to devise a system that can properly estimate the amount of brain cells I'm losing watching this idoicy. It's gotta be in the gogleoplex range. On another note, two ideas I might have pursued if I had the time, money and wherewithall to dress up for Halloween: One, A Micheal Vick jersey with a stuffed animal dog hanging from my shoulder pads. Two, a suite with cardboard bathroom stall dividers constantly tapping my foot. (second glass)

9:19: "Yo Brody, this is Spence, hit me up bro," is said by a white man without a touch of irony.

9:28: The shows over, not much to report, Common's getting a ton of time on MTV's in show commercials though. Selling out is a way overhyped concept, but I'll be interested to hear Common's next record. Onto the Real World Sydney, haven't seen this show but I have Great Expectations.

9:36: Better idea for Real World Sydney: An Islamic Fundamentalist, an Evangelical Christian, an Orthodox Jew, a Transexual, a militant Athiest, a butch lesbian, and move the show to sub-Saharan Africa.

9:40: One of my favorite aspects of reality television just reared its beautiful head. One of the chicks just mediated a debate in defense of not only her friend but "all women." There is nothing more precious than the self-importance of virtually unknown reality television stars. (glass 4)

9:44: "I've always been told never feel, or care, more than anybody else than about yourself, and I can't do that." A character in the Real World just said that!?!?

9:58: Something happened while I was watching the dog. One of the Real World chicks invariably overreacted to an action that was invariably douchebaggy by one of the guys. On another note, my friends and I have this running joke that should definitely be an SNL skit.

10:03: Dumb Real World chick: "The last thing I would expect to hear from one of our bosses mouths is that we're going on a vacation." Really? They go on one every fucking season, this is a surprise? Have you seen the fucking show? On another note, my friends and I have a running joke that should definitely be an SNL skit. This style of Iphone commercials is absolutely ridiculous. Do they mean to claim that central command's instrumentation is inferior to the I-phone? So what we proposed is a series of commercials that would go something like this: "We had departed New York on our way to Dallas when our engine failed, fortunately I had my Iphone with me and was able to affix it to the cargo space. The Iphone recognized the instability and corrected it allowing for a safe landing." Or, "I was in the Congo and was told I had contracted a rare venereal disease, as I was sitting there scratching my testicles I turned on my Iphone and was able to obtain the vaccine via an obscure aboriginal tribe." What do you think Mr. Jobs? (glass 6)

10:26: The Real World's cookie cutter southerner, "females don't fight with females, that's not how things work." This officially confirms my suspicion that the south is a different country than the rest of the United States.

10:32: Not entirely sure whats going on in the show, Pageant Place, but I do think all these morons are driving up rent in New York and it's starting to piss me off.

10:48: So...one of the chicks was saying that she was able to overcome her addiction as a result of the friendship she had established with the other broad. I honestly don't believe that anyone as dumb as either of these chicks can or could have been adicted to anything. It takes some level of intelligence to be addicted to

11:28: The Lone Drinker was distracted by company; one last Iphone idea: The world had suffered Nuclear Winter; fortunately my Iphone was able to locate a bomb shelter and inform me as to the superior way to repopulate humanity.

The Beginning of Poverty

2007-10-26T19:40:00.000-04:00

I'm reading The End of Faith by Sam Harris. The book is essentially an argument for the abolishment of the three main religions. It's excellent and I'll review it in full when done but wanted to mention two quick points before bidding adieu for the weekend.

First, since I started reading I'm 0 and 4 in sports gambling. This is a stunning turn of events and I believe there may be larger "cosmic" factors at play here. If this trend continues I may be the first person driven back to the Church by this book.

Second, this book has made me come to believe that every Muslim I encounter secretly wants to kill me. If reading books were a more socially acceptable activity in the United States, Harris' arguments could very well have created serious public unrest.

While I write that half tongue in cheek, I invite you to join me in reading this book, I'd be interested to hear other opinions. His writing is very persuasive but also very provocative and potentially dangerous (although he would argue to not engage in the discussion is even more dangerous).

Merry weekend to all and to all a good night.

The Bands Played On Part II

2007-10-25T20:48:00.000-04:00

Before we get to the the other two bands a couple random thoughts:

Two nights ago I was watching a show on the history of tobacco on the History Channel (oh the irony). At one point they were discussing all of the endorphins that nicotine release in the brain upon consumption of tobacco. There was a graphic that showed all of the nicolicious goodness that passes through the brain during the drug's travels. It was the strongest endorsement for tobacco I've ever seen. I actually felt like I was depriving myself by not smoking.

I've actually just returned from a cigarette. That's how good the segment was.

The other point I want to mention occurred to me while I was watching the Seinfeld where Jerry passes on a threesome claiming he's not a "threesome guy". After watching Curb Your Enthusiasm I'm convinced that bit of humor was pure Larry David. Jerry is definitely a threesome guy and does not have the type of neurosis that would even allow for such a thought. I have absolutely no way to prove this theory but I think it makes sense.

On to the show.

The first note I wrote about the second band was "AP Biology A students"...apparently I hadn't realized that their name is Tacks, the boy disaster - cause I think I might have had a thought or two about that (current thought: if your a band and you have a comma in your name, you might want to shore up your bartending abilities). My next note was about the mustache that one of the members sported which was neither kitsch nor ironic, it would probably best be described as a Chris Hansen stache. Regarding their music, it was both powerful and disorganized, I saw glimpses of real talent but not enough cohesion as a unit to warrant much more explanation (see for yourself at their myspace page).

The final performer was Chase Pagan, who was honestly very good. The only complaint I have was that he was a bit flip during his performance. I normally appreciate acts that don't take themselves too seriously but I felt like it did a disservice to his talents. He does have quite a bit of talent and with a bit of refinement to his stage presence he has a serious future.

The Living Room as a venue was unusual but agreeable. The front room is standard LES bar fare but it leads to a curtain covered back room where the performances took place. The back room has a service bar and about 20 tables which seat probably 60 or so people in sum. Its a cool space, one in which a drunk might end up talking about Bikram Yoga with the bartender despite a complete lack of understanding of Bikram Yoga, perhaps.

The Bands Played On Part I

2007-10-23T23:11:00.000-04:00

I've seen a pair of shows over the last couple weeks. The National at the Music Hall of Williamsburg (with Elvis Perkins opening) and a series of bands at a Paste Magazine show at the Living Room in the Lower East Side. For the National show I didn't take notes and got overwhelmingly drunk while for the Living Room show I did take notes and got overwhelmingly drunk. What follows is a couple thoughts on each show.

Apparently the Music Hall of Williamsburg is a new venue or at least under new ownership because it used to be called Galapagos. Very cool place, a bit expensive (like $5-7 a beer (remember this is Williamsburg, things should at least try to be cheaper)) but really a knockdown venue. Elvis Perkins put on an excellent set that did well to calm the clamouring for the National. He plays a folky Dylan-esque kind of music crossed with something of an Arcade Fire type sound. Also upon a bit of research I learned he is the son of photographer Berry Berenson, who was on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center, and actor Anthony Perkins, who played Norman Bates in Psycho (and also has a sordid tale surrounding his death). This has (understandably) led to some melancholy tunes but there didn't seem to be any insincerity in his performance and my research seems to confirm his earnestness.

The National then came on and killed. I honestly adore their most recent record and couldn't recommend it more. The Onion review of it is perfect. The National is like a good steak dinner and that night the Music Hall of Williamsburg was Peter Lugar's. Seriously, buy The Boxer, listen to it 5 times, rinse and repeat, if you don't love it we can fistfight. I don't really remember too many specific details beyond their awsomeness cause I was drunk.

A British group called Air Traffic opened up the Living Room show. The first note I took on them was Naomi Campbell (sp?). This was due to the guitarists hair. It looked like Vidal Sassoon had just finished his masterpiece on the kids head. I don't understand how this works with bands. The first three guys are sitting around with their barbershop cuts and all of a sudden the fourth sashays in with his supermodel salon cut and he's allowed to remain in the band? I think more bands need to be held accountable for this lapse in judgement.

Anyway, they were okay, a little like Coldplay crossed with Ben Folds.

Tomorrow*, the other two bands and some thoughts on Living Room.

*Tomorrow meaning any day that might at some point be rightfully called "tomorrow".

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Stripper

2007-10-13T16:55:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry I haven't been posting more frequently. Now that I've moved to Brooklyn I've devoted most of my time to the pursuit of my career as an MC. My name is Cervantes and my band is the Extraditables. We play post-funk hop, it's really starting to take off. There's a picture of my group and I sitting at a bar with sippy cups instead of beer mugs in front of us. That's our publicity photo. I'll be posting it in the near future. The rest of my time is spent with my dog, Pavlov. I love him and indulge most of his food requests.

I have an idea for a painting. Unfortunately even as a child I could barely fingerpaint so instead of attempting to paint my idea I'll describe it for any budding artists who happen upon this post and desire to attain artistic immortality. The idea is relatively simple but its implications on the art world would likely be tantamount to what Da Vinci did with the Mona Lisa. Prepare to have your mind blown:

A first person depiction of what life appears like from the eyes of a man getting a lap dance in a strip club.

This idea is brilliant and possibly revolutionary for three reasons.

First: it's provocative. Not only do you have a woman's naked body but you have all the other visual delights that your typical strip club offers. Including, but not limited to, sleazy old men gawking at (possibly) 18 year old women, clear heels, a neon Stroh's sign, a greasy dj and a world of other possibilities

Second: I would name the painting Don't Touch. As such it would mimic the reality of the art gallery experience.

Third: it appeals to pseudo-intellectuals and dirtbags equally.

If you or somebody you know would be interested in pursuing this endeavor please contact me at 555-4327.

Standing next to a Hasidic Jew...

2007-10-11T18:38:00.000-04:00

under the JMZ elevated subway in Brooklyn. After several minutes of conversation, we look out at a downpour of biblical proportions:
Yfbfb - So you think Noah will save us
HJ - One of us, probably

Check out this Hitchen's article from Vanity Fair. If you haven't had a teary-eyed moment by the end see a therapist.

I'll be back in the next day or two, sorry, bloggers block.

Lone Drinker IV

2007-09-20T18:01:00.000-04:00

3:25 - Welcome to a special afternoon version of the lone drinker. Today’s lone drinker is being brought to you by a bottle of Jacob’s Creek Shiraz Cabernet. Jacob’s Creek: not bad, not fucking bad, since 1847. Today’s post is also being brought to you by a handle of Seagram’s V.O. Seagram’s V.O.: proud sponsor of 87% of Yfbfb’s blackouts since 2002 (soon to be 87.01%).

3:30 – I’m going to watch TRL today. Dane Cook and Jessica Alba are co-hosting. Dane Cook seems like a gigantic douche to me, I’ve yet to see him be funny as well. Seems about right he’s a Red Sox fan.

3:32 – Apparently Jessica Alba won the Teen Choice “Hottie Award”. Can’t wait to see 20 second clips of videos by artists I’ve never heard of before.

3:33 – In at number 10 is J.Lo with a song called ________. J.Lo is surrounded - in a very bizarre club – by transvestites and women who could only fit two in the back of Biggie Smalls Mercedes – she still doesn’t look particularly good.

3:37 – Number 9 is a video by Chris Brown (?). It sounded catchy for the twelve seconds it was on.

3:39 – God I hope Jessica Alba didn’t sleep with Dane Cook.

3:47 – Four inane morons are babbling on the stage in Times Square (the host Damien (?), Alba, Cook and somebody dude who looks like Lloyd from Entourage), I’d like to take this moment to recommend The National record, Boxer, fucking kickass.

3:49 – Avril Levine is apparently still alive. Who would’ve guessed (or cared)?

3:58 – Damien is interviewing Cook and Alba about their new movie. Later I’m going to watch paint dry.

4:01 – What?!?!?!?!? Apparently Dane Cook called Jessica Alba a “genius” for her work on their new film. This is like Einstein calling Oppenheimer a genius for only the exact opposite.

4:13 – They’re currently interviewing a 22 year old about her music playlist. If you’re 22 and you’re sharing your playlist on TRL it’s time to re-evaluate. Paramore (hadn’t heard of till now (thank god)) is currently number three, the countdown till number one has my stomach in knots. (glass four)

4:28 – Chamillionaire comes in at #1. Cool name, bit the multi-personality schtick from a bunch of other rappers (biggie and eminem come to mind), twenty seconds of a potentially interesting video.

4:44 – Just switched over to VO and Ging, I can’t begin to describe the dangers here. This drink is like capitalism, it may not be perfect but it’s the greatest system that man has yet to create in its field.

5:02 – This is the video that everyone wanted me to watch about Britney and this is Seth Green’s (invariably) unfunny impersonation of the clip. (1st vo and ging in)

5:05 – (2nd VO and G – very strong) Gonna do some push-ups and take a piss, as Mario said in MarioKart – here we go!!!

5:21 – I’m watching TV Guides 2007 Fall Preview. I can’t believe Prison Break is going to be back for a 3rd season. I mean shouldn’t that shit have been broken by now?

5:23 – Fuck that, Dr. Phil has a show described by time warner as “Guests say they want plastic surgery to erase ethnic identities.” Dr. Phil and a troupe of retards, dynamite.

5:26 – Dr. Phil just self-promoted his 7 books. This is weird cause VO and Ging normally doesn’t make me feel like I’m going to puke

5:35 – The current debate on Dr. Phil is about an anti-asian looking procedure that plastic surgeons are performing. The concern is that the surgery is being performed because the western perception of beauty is being purveying too many sectors of society (I don’t know if this is an apt description of the debate, I’m quite drunk) – regardless Dr. Phil makes me feel sleazy.

5:45 – Now there’s an Italian that wants nose surgery because it makes him look too Italian. I’m mic and I have a big nose, silly Eyetal.

5:50 – Two important programming notes from someone who is very drunk. My next post is an allegory. If you pick it up I’ll be impressed. Two, I look forward to the next several moments because I’m bordering on black out.

Dear Person of Ambiguous Gender,

2007-09-19T17:19:00.000-04:00

I first saw you in college. You were but an aberration among the sea of frat boys in plaid shorts and Asians in textbooks. A welcome respite from the JAPs on their cellphones and the hippies on their mescaline. You passed like a cool breeze on a hot day in your knee length carpenter shorts and your laceless skater shoes; your hair cut short, dyed slightly and parted to the side, riding high on your square back neck. You caught my eye and for a second I caught yours before you returned to your ska music or Annie Lennox or whatever it was. You captured my heart.

I then moved to Manhattan and you moved with me. I saw you frequently on the subway reading David Sedaris and listening to your I-Pod. You hid yourself from me in your vintage sunglasses and over sized (late 80's) t-shirts, but you couldn't hide from my furtive glance. I thought the world of your uniqueness and was compelled by your individuality.

When I moved to Syracuse you nearly disappeared, I still caught a glimpse of you from time to time but you had put on a great deal of weight, wore ketchup stained hoodies, and frequented fast food restaurants. You had lost something and I feared it might be gone forever.

Now I live in Brooklyn and you abound in the streets of Williamsburg. You've lost all of that upstate weight and wear tight shirts to show off your nubile body. I see you frequently and sometimes you return my inquisitive glances. I love you person of ambiguous gender, I just want to know, does that make me gay?

Derek Jeter is my Hero

2007-09-17T16:57:00.000-04:00

That is all. Lone Drinker coming Wednesday or Thursday. Another post also on Wednesday or Thursday.

Korea baseball game fight

2007-09-13T16:50:00.001-04:00

Fucking Hysterical

Ramblings of an absent minded teaching assistant

2007-09-11T00:20:00.000-04:00

Over the last two weeks I've killed somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 house flies in my restaurant. This is good for about a 75% kill rate. Generally, any fly that stays in the same room for more than 10 minutes without retreating into a lighting fixture or maintaining a supremely high altitude flight pattern catches last weeks Economist in the grill. Yet despite my kill efficiency I'm starting to grow concerned that I may be selecting for a mutant race of genetically superior flies.

Has there ever been a more well crafted musical blow-off than Bob Dylan's supposed ode to Joan Baez on Positively 4th Street?

I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is to see you

Honestly, I feel like 50 Cent should be taking notes on this song.

This is a pretty interesting article about how the conveniences of modern living are making us miserable. Although I must take issue with the Naked Photo Test as posed by the article. I don't think I have a single friend who I would trust with a photo of me engaging in bestiality or vice versa and I'm okay with that. Bestiality suggests a level of depravity that defies normal human activities like friendship. Honestly, if you fuck dogs we probably can't be friends.

This is a fascinating story that does well to confirm the dangers of the internet.

This website is a brilliant attempt at harnessing the power of advertising to raise money for poor people throughout the world. You can also link to it at the bottom of your facebook page or blog. I definitely recommend giving it a look.

And finally, apparently GWB likes doing impressions of Dr. Evil in the halls of the Whitehouse...well I guess his father was given to making outrageous claims, particularly when he requested we read his lips...

10 Questions a Northeast Liberal Elistist Might Pose to a Texan

2007-09-05T18:28:00.000-04:00

My girlfriend is from Texas. Her mother is from Texas and her father is from Texas. They both went to college in Texas. She's a Texan.

Prior to meeting her I had known three people who had ever been to Texas. My Uncle and two cousins had been forced by the United States Military to take up residence in Abilene, Texas for some time.

I am from New York. My Father is from New York and my Mother is from New York. I have travelled all over the world yet have only been west of the Mississippi River once.

To me Texas has always been a bit of an anomaly. I remember going to a Notre Dame game in South Bend and thinking that I had never encountered such wildly idiotic fans as those of the visiting Long Horns. I was in 9th grade and as time has passed I've come to view their football fanaticism with a greater appreciation as a unique quirk of a unique people. However on the whole I still find Texans to be insane and as a Liberal Elitist I have no problem grouping wide swaths of people into a single category as long as they're predominantly white and disagree with my point of view.

But my rampant stereotyping has failed to answer all of the questions I have about the people from America's sub-continent. So here esixt those questions left unanswered:

1. How many guns do you own?

2. Are you the only person from Texas in your high school graduating class not to attend UT or Texas A&M?

3. How many times have you had dinner with George W. Bush?

4. How many people have you personally electrocuted?

5. What species do you most associate Mexicans with?

6. How many men have you shot?

7. If you were to pick an American most responsible for the downfall of U.S. supremacy who would it be?...No seriously?...come'on...for Fuck's sake, be honest with me...

8. Would it be easier to pick off Karl Rove or Dick Cheney's head in a global warmingly deforested region?

9. Is that gun loaded?

10. Has it been more detrimental for you guys to be associated with us or for us to be associated with you?

Martin Luther's got 95 Theses but a Bitch Aint One

2007-08-28T14:20:00.000-04:00

What follows is the most accurate rendering I could put together of a series of thoughts I had this afternoon. The thoughts may or may not have been affected by the fact that I knew I was going to blog them. Feel free to make your own assumptions, true story:

3:24: Drudge - Republicans are mad gay, the Allen guy who was arrested for soliciting a man to allow Allen to service him, can't believe there is a market for allowing others to perform head, wish I were gay, I'm excellent at getting head, hair, hair product, taffy, jerry garcia, bob marley, boston, red sox, douches, feminine products I don't understand, curlers, shirley temple, work, wondering if the dumb girl at work is attractive, wondering if there is any such thing as non-subjective beauty, wondering if my girlfriend will be upset, concluding no, cigarette, stairs, marco, polo, polio, scooters, whatever those thing are that Gob rides in Arrested Development, keep wanting to call it a sidewalk, water, wine, alcohol, too early to start drinking? could make this part of lone drinker post, applesauce, apple fights in orchards with cousins, hayrides, youth, winter clothes, snowball fights, snowball, clerks, kevin smith, selma hayek, allanis morrisette, that fergie video spoof that was both amusing and disturbing but maybe not for the right reasons, going to set time limit, nother two minutes, time, high school clocks, click back click forward, ap biology, truncall, jewish, reubens, us open, federer, woods, forest, camping, dunes, sun, beech volleyball

3:51-3:57 - My roommate is really into Bravo and Project Runway was running on marathon when I got up this morning, she's since left but I've now turned it back on after turning it off when she left, fascinating show, I wonder if more people like it for serious reasons or humor reasons, I like it for humor, bruno, ali g, Ireland, flight of the conchords, new zealand, australia, surfing, my old bartending partner, the return of ProRun, delete, neighborhood, spelling, bee, the loss of the bee population

4:09 - one of the primary sources of humor on ProRun is how inept the contestants are in real-life, practical situations, it's really perfect, also funny is how ridiculously poor their personal styles are, every designer walks that fine line between 70 and 71

4:34 - Dowdy seems to be a fashionable critique word on ProRun, pedantic, pedestrian, the next customer that asks me how an item on our menu is get's the reply - pedestrian, I cannot currently conceive of doing something funnier than that, Owen Wilson, I can't believe he takes life seriously enough to attempt suicide, didn't see that one coming, Kate Hudson, I read in the paper today she left Wilson for Dax, the guy from punk'd, yikes that might be seriously depressing enough, I just referred to the New York Post as "the paper"

5:10 - Guinness, Dublin, Copenhagen, Carlsberg, Rules of Attraction, Dawson, Varsity Blues, Texas, Red, Jordan, 23, poker, fat people, the news story I saw today that charted the demographics of fat people, an awesome rant I once read entitled Fuck the South, my stay in charming (not sarcasm) Charleston, Sc, the overly sarcastic nature of our generation (sarcasm), dinnner, plans, shower, gone

Not Quite my Mother's Basement but...

2007-08-23T20:15:00.000-04:00

I'm currently living in my Father's den. It's about as fun as a series of gradually more invasive colonoscopies, but, due to his prime location on the East End of Long Island and my keen abilities as a waiter, it's a necessary evil. Anyway, I'm actually a resident of Williamsburg, Brooklyn and had been living there for about a month prior to my sojourn to the Hamptons. The area that I live in is particularly dense with Puerto Ricans and as such this is the first installment of....Observations of a White Man Living in a Puerto Rican Neighborhood in Brooklyn:

1. Puerto Ricans like to dance a great deal

2. Puerto Ricans are much better dancers than white people

3. Puerto Rican women are pregnant far more often than white women

4. Puerto Ricans have some sort of philosophical opposition to the boom box, as such all of their music is played from cars parked along the side of the street they’re hanging out on

More to come, and more general posting to be done in the near future.

Rhetorical Quiz

2007-08-17T22:31:00.001-04:00

When I was in high school I wrote for my school's monthly magazine. A recurring feature was a rhetorical quiz. I'm much older now but I don't think that individuals can plagiarize from themselves so here go's:

1. Why does everyone over the age of 30 think that the "forward" is an acceptable form of internet communication?

2. Why would a Judeo/Christian God spend over 150 million years fucking around with dinosaurs before creating man "in his own image"?

3. I don't really trust this source but...how funny would it be if Jenna Bush was pregnant? (Guess we'd have to scrap that whole abstinence only thing)

4. Do the people at Fox News really think that changing a couple words of the Al Franken wikipedia entry will change the mind of anyone who would go to the Al Franken wikipedia entry to begin with?

5. There are currently 22 facebook groups dedicated to ending women's suffrage. Okay so that's not a question.

Wreck List

2007-08-15T18:53:00.000-04:00

Flight of the Conchords - funniest show since Arrested Development. Funniest line I've heard so far (three episodes in): They're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers/But whats the real cost/Cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper/Why we still paying so much for sneakers when you got them made by little slave kids/What are your overheads... Give it a couple episodes, it's not for everyone but if you appreciate their brand of humor you'll love it.

This New York Times article is why the Christian Right hates the New York Times: In the article an Oxford University professor suggests there is a 20% chance that our lives are actually a computer simulation. The writer goes on to say that it's more like a 100% chance.

A Post or not a Post; That is the Question

2007-08-10T14:47:00.001-04:00

I ended yesterday's post by writing that I would be back today. While I had intended that to be true, and while that is technically now true, I did not intend the post to be like this. My laptop is experiencing traumatic computer failure and I'm currently writing this post at the 23rd Street Public Library in New York. As such I have only 45 minutes to take care of all my computing responsibilities for the day and can't give the time to the post I had intended (a rhetorical quiz which will be done on Monday).

On another topic, I once watched a TED lecture (I don't have the time to find it right now but will on Monday) in which the speaker said that every particle of our being is a different particle than those that made up our being when we were born. I can't explain why this is but it has something to do with atom replacement or matter substitution or other phrases I may or may not be making up. Anyway, the speaker used this point to illustrate how amazing the human mind is, in that it can maintain memories despite the replacement of the matter that stored said memories. I mention this because I am going to Saratoga this weekend for a friend's bachelor party. I suspect I may lose a great deal of memories from this trip as or even before they happen, but I hope to have at least one evening when I'm up from somewhere around 3 in the morning to somewhere around 6 with a bunch of friends, sitting around drunk as shit and ripping on one another. There is no greater experience than those times and those memories will last a lifetime.

The Eight Stages of Job Hunting

2007-08-08T17:37:00.000-04:00

8. Excitement about the possibility of a new career - the hunter is naive to the treacherous task that lies ahead. There is a sense of optimism about the future. 1-5 days

7. A feeling of superiority toward those already employed - the hunter is surprised by the lack of response he has received and considers how much better he could perform than those currently employed in the positions he desires. 5-8 days

6. Concern that the resume - attached - has a virus. day 9

5. Creeping feelings of self-doubt - the hunter starts to think maybe he isn't capable of answering phone calls and making photocopies. 10-17 days

4. Regretting every educational decision the hunter's ever made
- Johns Hopkins University Bachelor's Degree: $140,00
- Syracuse University Master's Degree: $36,000
- Not being able to attain employment: Priceless
17 - eternity days

3. Jealousy of the employed - the hunter never expected to look at a mailman and think, 'man, he's lucky,' this now happens every time he sees a mailman. 21-27 days

2. Feeling sorry for yourself - the hunter is devastated by a complete inability to attract potential employers. Feelings of sorrow envelop his thoughts. 27-30 days

1. Resignation - an acceptance of the hunter's utter unemployability and a willingness to look into other avenues of employment.

Interesting link: This New York Times article on a book entitled A Farewell to Alms is real interesting. The central premise of the book is that the industrial revolution in England occurred because middle-class values became the norm in society as a result of a greater degree of procreation amongst middle-class individuals. I once touched on a similar idea in my groundbreaking post Society be Getting Stupider. Be back tomorrow.

With Nobody Else Part III

2007-08-03T12:52:00.000-04:00

Editors note: This is the third installment of the lone drinker. The last two statements are song lyrics, from Modest Mouse and the Beastie Boy's respectively, I don't know why I wrote them. When I returned to my computer this morning the word coarsened was up on dictionary.com. Also, my hand still hurts and I woke up on the floor this morning. To ensure authenticity, I have not edited any of this.

8:00: Welcome to the third installment of the lone drinker. Tonight’s post is being brought to you by a magnum of Sutter Home Pinot Grigio. Sutter Home: making taste buds question their day jobs since 1890. Tonight’s Pinot is a 2001 vintage which is probably more of a testament to the amount of time it’s aged on liquor store shelves than on vines.

8:18: I’ve been looking into the Church of Satan. My interest is more for networking opportunities than spiritual concerns. Regardless, it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be. I feel like the name was chosen more to rile up “squares” than for any other reason. I actually agree with a lot of their principles. Hell, the founder even said the religion is “just Ayn Rand's philosophy with ceremony and ritual added.” Plus cardinal sin number one is “stupidity” – I can get behind that.

8:33: Don’t Forget the Lyrics! is on Fox. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen the show and it is frighteningly entertaining. The format seems very similar to Who Wants to be a Millionaire. If I were a pessimist I might suggest that the evolution of reality television has (unbelievably) trended progressively dumber – this would definitely bear out that pessimist’s perspective (if I were a pessimist) (onto glass three).

8:43: I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the current contestant. He’s like a gayer Richard Simmons. It’s unreal.

8:46: Wayne Brady (the shows host, who’s been surprisingly funny) just made a Richard Simmons joke – I wish someone could confirm me beating him to the punch, such is the struggle of the lone drinker.

8:58: Richard Simmons just went out on the Roy Orbison tune Pretty Woman, I’m not making this up.

9:32: The lone drinker was temporarily interrupted by an Aunt who had seen I was in town this evening and asked if I could drive her husband to meet her. (umm, two and half glasses in)

9:45: During the car ride home I was listening to the “alternative” rock station in New York, 9.23 K-rock. They played a song by Chevelle, called Send the Pain Below, I like this song a great deal and did when it came out (apparently in 2002). It’s honestly one of the few commercial rock bands I thought had true potential over the last 5 years. I have no idea what they’ve done since.

10:35: Watching Mad Men. The jury’s still out on this show. I did notice something in the last episode that I thought was ill-conceived. At one point one of the secretaries says to the other “that sandwich is making me sad” with regards to a stay-in meal the woman was going to have at work. That sentence seems very 200- to me – not something that would be said in the 60s. I had another example of the liberties the program is taking with colloquialisms but I’m not on top of my game right now. (glass 6)

11:09: I truly believe the most frustrating thing that an individual can experience is knowing that which they can do well and not being given the opportunity to perform that task. I look forward to serving drinks. (7 drinks in)

11:20: Couple things; so I’ve been watching the “Send the Pain Below” video on youtube and maybe I’m wrong but the only part about that song that sucks is when they incorporate the snowboarding…without that, that songs a killer example of good early ought’s rock. Also, I’ve been punching the wall in my study, this is not an important idea but I’m curious where the studs are, I use to work in construction (also my hand hurts).

11:26: I’m on such a Chevelle kick I just air guitared myself into the ground on my rolley chair. I heard some sort of metallic object trickle away after my fall but the chair still works and I don’t seemed to have experienced traumatic back failure yet – so that was rockstar. (goodbye magnum)

11:54: Finished watching the episode of Mad Men I had been watching earlier. Who knows? I would never cheat on my significant other but every relationship exists on it’s own plain. I’m drunk and am not willing to indict others for behavior I would not engage in, despite my disagreeace with it.

11:57: btw I spent a bit figuring out which parts of my wall are supported by studs. My fists prove much of my wall is unexpectedly sturdy.

11:59: Much of my hands hurt.

12:14: I just watched the All These Things That I’ve Done video in the hopes of explaining the idiocy of myself and my dearest friends. I’ve failed completely. Jesus, that video’s stupid.

12:18: I haven’t made an alcohol update in awhile so I feel obligated. Magnum gone, Budweiser gone, onto a beer called Tecate, going to have a cigarette.

1:02: I’ve drank a great deal of water. There’s no beer left, I’m a magnum and two beers in, I’ve drank a great deal of vodka, I’m the olive king of New York.

1:12: Here’s an idea: every magazine I’ve ever read portrays a bullshit liberal perspective. How ‘bout a progressive magazine that isn’t all about left leaning politics. There’s obviously a market for men that have views that don’t coarsened

1:22: My idea does not disassociate liberal ideas, it just invalidates them.

1:29: My idea does not disassociate liberal ideas. But I think its funny to type that reflex.

For your sake I hope heaven and hell, are really there but I wouldn’t hold my breath, you wasted life why wouldn’t you waste death, you wasted life why wouldn’t you waste death.

12:48 – cause you can’t and you won’t and you don’t stop

2:20:

A Relatively Uninformed Analysis of 18 Presidential Candidates Part: II

2007-07-30T14:55:00.000-04:00

Editors note: This analysis is limited to the front page of the websites of the 18 main presidential hopefuls. For a further explanation see Friday's post.

Duncan Hunter: I honestly haven't the slightest idea who Duncan Hunter is. His name makes it sound like he has a 1:30 tee time at Winged Foot but his front page makes it look like he'll be carrying bags and figuring out distances.

Cheesedick campaign slogan: Lets Work Together to Make America Great Again...there are high school marketing teachers that would fail students for that anti-gem. Why not just go with America, Darn Right.

Front page grade: C-

Dennis Kucinich: The main image here has Kucinich asking God to make him two feet taller so that he can have a shot at the Democratic nomination. Unfortunately God doesn't believe in his policies.

Irritating ploy: The video implores us to text message the word "peace" (73223) to send a message to the White House. A couple things: one, it never tells us what number to send the text to; two, unless the text is being sent to the White House, I'm dubious that they're going to "get the message" (in fact, they're not getting the message regardless); three, the text message must be the laziest form of protest in the history of mankind, I'd be insulted if I were a Kucinich supporter.

Front page grade: C

John McCain: Straight talking his way to three campaign slogans: The courage to do the hard things needed to address America's most pressing challenges; Defeat is not an option; and Islamic Extremists are in this war to win and we cannot let them, McCain actually has one of the sleekest front pages we've seen - fitting for a one-time favorite who seems to be reminiscing about the good ol' days in his picture.

Strange "coincidence": I know McCain was a Navy man but his website logo and coloring look a whole lot like the more recognizable army symbols, hmm, that's curious.

Front page grade: B+

Barack Obama: Obama's the first candidate not to be prominently displayed on his own website's front page. I'm floored by this. Maybe he doesn't need to tie his face into his name because he's so well known (not to mention he's the only candidate who's skin shades past olive) but nevertheless I'm surprised. Otherwise the site seems extremely well conceived and links to all the social networks (almost 120,000 supporters on facebook as of publication).

Non-cheesedick ploy: The dinner with Barack promotion is a stroke of genius.

Front page grade: A- (they couldn't make room for the Obama girl?)

Ron Paul: Paul also has links to the social networks - not surprising for a candidate who essentially made his name via the internet - as well as a finely realized front page layout.

What?: A 14 minute front page video? A campaign as savvy in the ways of the internet should realize the attention span of their viewers matches that of a Saturday morning cartoon viewer on crystal meth.

Wha what?: I learned from the website that Ron Paul has a son named Rand Paul. I was not able to confirm the origin of the name but judging by Paul's politics, I'm wondering who John Galt is?

Front page grade: B+

Bill Richardson: Richardson's real experience and real accomplishments won't endear him to the American public nearly as much as his real weight problem. I think Richardson should push himself as the real "minority" candidate on the Democratic side. (Also note the undone top button and tie, he must have really worked hard during that photo shoot).

Email sign-up: These are just a really bad idea, especially for a candidate that's handicapped by region.

Front page grade: C

Mitt Romney: I was surprised to not see Romney's pearly whites on the front page, then the flash feature kicked in and there he was. I knew Mitt wouldn't miss a photo op. My favorite is the one of him in a ski jacket, I'll bet he went back and forth all the way down that mountain.

Campaign slogan: True Strength for America's Future...a clever play to the Republican base, there was some genuine thought put into this site.

Front page grade: A-

Tom Tancredo: Tancredo hopes to give Duncan Hunter a run for most obscure candidate to run on a major ticket and with this website he's got a chance.

Amusing headline: "Tancredo will crisscross Iowa, meeting more crowds and campaigning in more towns than ever, as we lead up to the Iowa straw poll." Oh, really? You mean he's going to campaign more as the election approaches? That's an unusual tactic, I wonder if he's also going to shake union workers hands and kiss babies, that might just do the trick!

Front page grade: C-

Tommy Thompson: As the second most likely Republican - with the last name Thompson- to become president, Tommy Thompson is facing an uphill battle. Fortunately he seems confident of his ability to win one percent of the vote.

Front page grade: C

And until Fred Thompson throws his hat in the ring and hires some tech nerds to dream up a website for him that completes "A Relatively Uninformed Analysis of 18 Presidential Candidates," here's to hoping you didn't learn too much.

A Relatively Uninformed Analysis of 18 Presidential Candidates Part: I

2007-07-27T09:13:00.000-04:00

I've been casually following the candidates jockey for position in the run up to the primaries. I watch more for entertainment than information and I think the candidates prefer it that way. As such, after finding this website, I decided to break down the candidates based solely on their websites front page. What follows is analysis of the candidates' websites, totally (ie. partially) devoid of personal political leanings:

Joseph Biden: You know that creepy uncle who always seems a little too interested in his nieces? Well he's running for president!

Best Headline: I can't believe I didn't know that Biden's book is called Promises to Keep, as indicated by one of the flash headlines. Apparently Biden's Promises omitted "not plagiarizing"

Front page grade: B

Sam Brownback: Sam Brownback has a family. Sam Brownback tilts his head when he talks. Sam Brownback likes corn.

Front page grade: F

Hillary Clinton: A front page sign-up? This seems to be the work of a candidate who would pander to people and change opinion with the wind, maybe even take advantage of people who don't know better for his/her own personal gain. At least the picture doesn't make it look like she's waiting for her husband to take the stage.

Kickass campaign slogan: Let the Conversation Begin...can we start with "Is your vote on Iraq going to hinder your presidential campaign?" or do we need to establish the definition of is first?

Front page grade: D

John Cox: Yikes. Is that really the best picture John Cox's people could find? He looks like he just sat on his last name. (That joke was cheep and easy but absolutely irresistible). Otherwise this web page is about as interesting as a tree fossil.

Front page grade: C-

Chris Dodd: When two of your top headlines are "Chris Dodd's White Hair" and "Chris Dodd's White Hare," you are a senior senator from a small blue state who has no chance of winning the Democratic nomination.

Verdict: The front page is not bad but it seems a bit amateurish. The font should definitely be changed and the "Energy Independence" image needs to be seriously reconsidered.

Front page grade: B

John Edwards: Oh look, John Edwards has a family too! Am I the only one who would prefer a president not have a family. Isn't the pursuit of the presidency wildly selfish? To conduct such a pursuit with family members - especially young ones - seems grossly irresponsible. See Hillary for front page sign-up assessment.

Front page grade: D

Rudy Giuliani: Another front page email sign-up. Interesting that three of the top candidates have this function. I'm assuming Rudy's thumbs up is confirming the fact that he's tanking his candidacy.

Interesting campaign note: Giuliani's people have decided to push his first name in the campaign. All of his buttons, shirts, campaign info etc. says Rudy rather than Giuliani. Three potential explanations: using the first name personalizes Giuliani; using the first name reminds people of the lovable film by the same name; using the first name helps avoid reminding the racist elements of the GOP that Giuliani is an "ethnic."

Front page grade: D

Mike Gravel: Man politicians are ugly.

Pol Position: From the front page: "Gravel's campaign is based primarily on his ardent support for direct democracy"...what!?!spirit fingers?!?!? Our country is in the middle of an arguably unwinable war, the threat of terrorism is an everyday reality, the youth are underperforming in school, and Gravel's primary campaign goal is the elimination of the electoral college? At least he'll always have his looks.

Front page grade: B-

Mike Huckabee: Campaign contributions on the front page? I skull & bones Huckabee.

Front Page Grade: F

Be back no later than Monday with part II

Review: Mad Men

2007-07-23T15:14:00.000-04:00

"Mad Men"

A term coined in the late 1950's to describe the advertising executives of Madison Avenue.

They Coined it.

Thus began the premier episode of "Mad Men," a program I watched on Thursday evening (I couldn't find it on-line but here is the encore schedule or you can buy it on I-tunes for $1.99) with an acquaintance (my mother, hereafter, Mombo), who has very different sensibilities than I do. During each commercial break she and I discussed the program. As I became more and more interested, Mombo became more and more disinterested. Her primary complaint was that there were not any characters that she particularly cared for.

I found this assessment to be fair, as many of the characters seem to be morally flexible (particularly with regards to their sexual behavior) and virtually all of them have a world-view that extends only as far as their self-interests. It is for these reasons that I really enjoyed the program.

In a moment of drunken clarity last Wednesday evening, I wrote about Bob Dylan's fraudulent persona and asked how many of the rest of us would stand up to the scrutiny of an in-depth examination of our own personalities (or rather those that we display to the world).

I don't know the answer to this question, but I suspect an airing of the entirety of an individual's personality would do well to upset/disgust many of his/her friends and family.

It is for this reason that I find programs like The Sopranos, The Wire, and Mad Men compelling. These shows are not concerned with making its audience "like" their characters and as such they needn't compromise the authenticity of their decisions and actions.

The program is also very interesting because it allows the viewer to editorialize on the advances and missteps our society has made since the 1960's. The show provides a fair amount of commentary of its own but it's cloaked in the words and actions of the characters and can be seen by those looking for a validation of their assumptions. (Their's a gay character that makes several remarks that might be missed by those who do not assume homosexuality, although I suspect this will be a more major plot theme going forward).

I did a bit of research on the shows creator and was not surprised to find he had produced and/or written numerous Sopranos episodes (including, unfortunately the Johnny Cakes episode, which was the opposite of good - a more apt description than bad). He's a real talent and I'll be interested to see where he takes Mad Men from here.

Premier episode grade: A-

A couple links; This months Vanity Fair has a very thorough article on Barbaro, that reads more like Sea Biscuit than an obit. Also interesting from that issue is David Halberstam's final article on the incompetency of the Bush administration.

I tend to agree with Halberstam's analysis but I'm not here to tell you what to think so here is a WaPo article about how Bush's administration will be seen as a success. Interesting. Yfbfb reports, you decide.

Drinking Alone Redux

2007-07-19T10:04:00.001-04:00

Editors note: This is the second installment of Yfbfb's diary of drinking alone. I edited the previous post but have left this entirely unedited. There are some links that I've posted along the way that were found/posted while sober. I woke up this morning on the couch next to my computer. Apparently I passed-out sometime after 12:46.

8:00: I am happy to report that this installment of the lone drinker has begun on time. Tonight’s drunkenness is being brought to you by a magnum of Talus Pinot Grigio. Talus: delivering brutal hangovers since 1984. Tonight’s cosponsor is Fris Vodka. Fris: damaging eyesight since 1989.

8:12: Just finished my first glass of wine, this is an aggressive pace. I also just learned that Planet Earth is on from 12-2 this evening. I have yet to see this show but have heard very good things, more on it later.

8:25: I watched the most recent episode of Entourage earlier today. Many people had been bashing this show’s recent efforts but I was hesitant to be critical. After this episode I’m on board. I found the scene where Drama and Turtle are smoking pot to be particularly offensive. Man that was cheesedick.

8:53: I was watching a bit of the Colbert Report (sober: couldn't find the video of this Colbert segment but did find this video, of Colbert at the White House Correspondents dinner) and he was talking about Senator David Vitter’s number being found in the DC Madam’s phone records. I’ll try to find this link tomorrow (sober: http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601039&sid=aP3OCKJJdlGU&refer=home ) but apparently his wife, during the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, said that she was more Lorena Bobbitt than Hilary Clinton – with regards to allowing spousal infidelity – this delights me (on glass four).

9:19: One afternoon when my friends and I were in an altered state we decided to give ourselves rap names. My name was Cervantes and my crew was the Extroditables. Cervantes says: if you haven’t copped that new T.I. shit you best do so stat. That record is fire.

9:32: Just watched Derek Jeter start a Yankee rally with a crucial single (not to take anything away from A-Rod, who’s hit was obviously huge, but it was important to get the first runner on and Jeter delivered). Anyone who loves baseball and doesn’t realize the value of Derek Jeter does not watch many Yankee games. He’s like God only he exists (glass five).

10:00: I’ve been thinking about a book I read by David Hajdu about Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Mimi Baez, and Richard Farina. In it, Hajdu makes the claim (and substantiates it) that Dylan’s persona was essentially fraudulent. I wonder how apt that claim would be for the rest of us.

10:27: This wine’s starting to taste like caster oil. I don’t know what caster oil is, let alone what it taste like but I imagine it’s something like this. I have about a glass and a half left, I can’t wait till I can move to vodka. A friend of mine just called and told me (sober: this friend was McNuts, he didn't actually call, he texted) he’s at a boxing match that’s being broadcast on ESPN2, I love boxing.

11:14: Just finished the wine. Thank God (or his non-existent replacement). That shit really was irritating. I’ve been watching boxing for the last half an hour and I love that shit. I’ve boxed before and it is the most exhausting shit I’ve ever engaged in. I truly believe these people are sick athletes, plus they’re willing to beat the crap out of other human beings, it’s an interesting mind-set.

11:25: I’ve finished the wine and I’m now going to move to the vodka. I feel like I’ve been unextordinary thus far and expect interesting things to occur in the near future, we’ll see.

11:32: The thing is, the vodka/olive juice mix actually has too much olive mix in it. I don’t expect much more coherence.

11;38: I wonder how close I am to blacking out. This is something that is never understood in many alcoholics minds (including and most specifically mine, considering the circumstances) but I am not there yet, at least I don’t believe myself to be there (important aside: I’m writing this on microsoftword, occasionally I type words incorrectly, like microsoftword, and correct them because of the squiggly red lines.) I like to qualify myself under any and all circumstances.

11::59: It’s becoming difficult to type posts, I’m a magnum in and a solid slug of vodka, I’m going to watch Planet Earth, hopfully it’s as cool as I’ve heard.

12:10: Fuck you Gleeson. You’ve always thought you’re a progeneter (sober: I have no idea what this means). At least the Yanks won.

12:12: I’ve found people to be wonderously uninteresting.

12:14: I’m going to tackle my chair into my couch. This is is stupid.

12:16: It wasn’t so much my upperbody that suffered injuries it was my thighs and calfs.

12:17: Another cigarette and I’ll figure things out

12:25: My idiocy can’t really be describe in proper drunken speak. I only believe in feelings as they pertain to individuals worthy of feelings. When I don’t care it’s because I don’t care.

12:27: Let’s talk about existensialism: sure it means nothing (particularly to some one who can’t put together a sentence) but that’s important to a man who can’t put togethic existence.

12;37: wasted right now, we’ll see

12::46: I’m floored. Don’t really kknow why I threw myself into the couch, we’ll figure it out as we go along

On the Media

2007-07-17T22:48:00.000-04:00

If you haven't seen this video, where t.v. anchor, Mika Brzezinski, burns the Paris Hilton story, it's worth a look. I think the video is instructive for a variety of reasons.

People often forget that the media is a business. There is a certain ethic by which journalists are supposed to conduct themselves created to help guide their decision making. But in the end the people who sign their paychecks are businessmen and women. As such, the decisions made by those responsible for content is often driven by those who do the viewing.

This past weekend I had a conversation with a family member about Gary Sheffield's most recent idiotic remarks. This family member blamed the media for publicizing Sheffield's views despite his history of misguided and wrong-minded statements. I agreed with him that the weight given to Sheffield's statements may have been excessive but the truth is that the public have an appetite for this type of hyperbole. Furthermore the media has a responsibility to deliver public statements made by public figures to the public. It would be far more egregious for media outlets to withhold newsworthy stories because they don't jive with the sensibilities of certain people or could offend others.

There is little doubt that Joe Torre is an innocent bystander. Many black players have played and thrived under Torre, and until reputable individuals like Cecil Fielder or Chili Davis come forward and corroborate Sheffield's views, I think they're nonsense. However, that does not make his views a non-story.

Joe Torre is a public figure and when an individual places himself in the public eye he is subject to the scrutiny of those that hold public interest (I made a bet with a friend about how many times I could write "public" in a single post), however unfair that scrutiny may be.

And in the end the public (I win) has no one to blame but themselves for the news they/we choose to consume.

A couple of programming notes: In the Musicology post, I mentioned a conversation I had with a professor where we discussed alt-country and the bands Wilco and Son Volt. Shortly thereafter I discussed an essay in Chuck Klosterman's IV. What I did not realize (but have now that I've finished the book) is that in the last chapter Klosterman references alt-country and then Wilco and Son-Volt specifically. This is a strange coincidence (although more strange that he would mention alt-country than Wilco and Son Volt in reference to alt-country), but one I wanted to mention to clear my good name. Also, I will be repeating my chronicles of lone drinking tomorrow (Wednesday) evening and should have a post up sometime around noon on Thursday, hope to see you then. Finally, if you haven't seen Maddox's most recent post, I highly recommend you do so now, it's so choice.

Musicology

2007-07-12T17:22:00.000-04:00

Rock music hasn't died, it's just changed.

A month ago I had a conversation with a professor about the many people of his generation (he's in his 40's) who are caught up in "nostalgia" music - music from the 70's and 80's. He talked about his appreciation of alt-country, Wilco and Son Volt are two specifics, and he lamented the lack of interest his friends and co-workers have for current rock music.

This concept was also explored in an essay I read recently in IV: a Decade of Curious People & Dangerous Ideas by Chuck Klosterman. Klosterman attends a "Rock Cruise," on which Styx, REO Speedwagon, and Journey, perform. The cruise is filled with 30 and 40 somethings who are disillusioned with the current state of music and yearn to recapture the "glory days" of rock & roll.

I was thinking about these two congruous ideas last night at a Spoon concert in Battery Park in New York City. Spoon is a moderately popular band - their best selling record, Gimme Fiction, sold about 100,000 units - and is probably best known for a Jaguar commercial during which their song "I turn my camera on" played.

The concert was well attended - my friend Potter estimated somewhere in the 700 range which is good considering it was raining for most of the afternoon - but almost entirely by people who were born after the 8 track fell out of fashion.

I know that rock & roll is, and always has been, the province of youth but I think that there are greater factors at play.

In the 70's and 80's there were great bands ("great bands," in this sense means bands that sell a lot of records for an extended period of time and receive at least some degree of critical acclaim) that got a great deal of radio play. Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones, The Who, The Doors, Pink Floyd, The Clash, U2, AC/DC, Metallica, Aerosmith - all of these bands were not only very talented (I don't like all of them but credit where credit is due), they were very commercially successful. People from that era understood the radio to be the arbiter of good rock & roll music. They didn't need to look any further or pursue other avenues to find very good music by very good musicians.

Since the demise of grunge music in the late 90's there has not been a single great band to come out and attain consistent radio play. Bands like Radiohead, U2, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Aerosmith, may get a fair amount of airtime but all of them originated in the 90's or earlier. Furthermore, all of the airtime attained by these bands is surrounded by music that is entirely foreign to veterans of 70's and 80's rock & roll (this is not a commentary on bands like Linkin Park or Fall Out Boy, just a fact).

This has lead many people to believe that there is no longer any good rock & roll music. This is not the case.

Rock and roll has simply become more fragmented over the last 20 years, creating less of a consensus as to what is good rock music and pushing much of the art form out of the mainstream.

Alt-Country for example, wasn’t even a genre of music 20 years ago. Uncle Tupelo is generally credited with having founded alt-country, their first record was released in 1990 and two of their members went on to found the bands that we had discussed (Jeff Tweedy with Wilco and Jay Farrar with Son Volt). Yet only one of their records ever made the Billboard 200 (their anthology released in 2002 scorched all the way up to 173 on the chart) and they certainly never received any mainstream radio play. This does not mean that they were not a great band in the artistic sense, it just means that they were not a great band in the sense that 70’s and 80’s bands were great.

Current rock bands like Spoon, Arcade Fire, The Hold Steady, The Walkmen etc. play rock and roll in the tradition of bands from the 70’s and 80’s and are very good at what they do, it’s just that the market has been fragmented to the point that they no longer receive the attention their predecessors did.

Rock and roll has not died and never will, it is too dynamic to ever disappear. For now, rock music is still out there you just have to listen a bit harder to find it.

Radically Honest Drinking

2007-07-10T09:46:00.000-04:00

(Editor's note: The idea of this post was to do a running diary of drinking alone. It was also intended to be in the radically honest format. It turned out to be somewhat amusing but I'm going to do it again in the near future and at that point I won't edit for spelling or grammar mistakes. The editing I have done was minor (I regretted doing it after I realized that editing is antithetical to my purpose) but I also left some critical mistakes alone.)

9:32 I wanted to start this post at 8:00 but I got sidetracked by an Uncle’s 50^th birthday party. This post is the documentation of the consumption of a magnum of wine with a bottle of Jack Daniels as my backup in case I finish the bottle and want to stay up longer (the Jack will definitely be consumed at least in part). This post is also going to be in the radically honest format. I am concerned that this may lead to stream of consciousness thoughts, which it almost certainly will to an extent, we’ll see what happens.

1026: Three glasses of wine into the night. Just got off the phone with my former roommate, Joe Han, talked for allot longer than I had expected. Our talk focused on the Government and its potential flaws (he works for the department of defense). Interesting to me, probably not to most, I expect to have more compelling thoughts over the next several hours, we’ll see.

10:38: I find an article based on Malcolm Gladwell’s study of war games. I had mentioned that to Joe Han but had thought it to be an article in the New Yorker, my experiment in alcoholism must make a turn in the near future otherwise I’m not even going to be willing to read it again.

10:41: I’m thinking about how boring this blog post is, I am also thinking about how I have Diet Coke rather than Coke for my Jack Daniel’s mixer, this is definitely not cool.

10:51: Fifth glass of wine: I just watched (apparently) 10 minutes of Man vs. Wild. I enjoyed this time but I am lacking anything insightful to say about it. I’m going to scour the internet and see if I find anything worth of my (and your) time for a while. But first I’m going to smoke a cigarette.

10:59: I just smoked a cigarette and have been thinking about the racial divide. I believe it to be a product of people’s perception and an unfortunate outgrowth of our history. While we’re continually willing to accept that a difference exists (which I believe is primarily proposed by people like Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and white supremacists) we will continue to endure the wrath of racial suppression. I am drunk. I believe this.

11:03 I just looked at the couch my parents bought to my right. It is one or the most hideous couches I’ve ever seen. I wonder what they were thinking when they bought it. I’m about to watch Bill Stone’s Journey to the Center of the Earth, I’ll let you know what I think.

11:03: I just tried to watch Bill Stone’s Journey to the Center of the Earth: but it was wildly boring, I’m concerned that this may not actually be a post, it’s possible but I’m hoping that I have some important drunk Ideas over the next hour or two. We’ll see (six glasses).

11:15: I just finished my sixth glass of wine. I’m really concerned with the idea that I proposed before that talented individuals only have a certain amount of time to produce something superior. I just started in the spring and I’m certainly willing to accept the fact that I’m not there yet. I mean citizen cain was made by a 26 year old that shit freaks me out. Yesterday I wrote about a girl finding porn in her boyfriend’s bathroom.

11:19: I don’t know how but I saw allot of Hispanic speaking dudes telling me what to do. (Radical honestly, I really did). But I’m going to refocus, and create something good.

11:23: Apparently there are not people after me. I’m drunk and have allot more drinking to do but that seems to be a safe assumption (eight glasses)

11:25 I’m going to drink a fair amount of water, after that, I’ll experience drunkenness proper, we’ll see what happens.

11:46 I’m watching Man vs. Wild. I wonder how many of the women I’ve been with hate me. I don’t expect many of them to appreciate me much more than the species that Baer isn’t allowed to kill

11:49 There’s some sort or snake frightening Bear, he’s a harder mother fucker than me, that’s self evident, we’ll talk about this later

11:58 I can’t believe I’m still writing. I’m wonderfully drunk and writing like a retard. Hopefully my ex[ressopm wo;; be understandable/

1:48: The idea that I’ve been unable to convey, the idea that is unable of conveyance is existence. This is cheesedick but it’s the truth. We’ve lived; I’ve lived with an understanding of my own inabilities. This is wildly traumatic to me but if I’m not one of you, if I’m not one of us, I would be a liar. So we’re all the same and thus we are. Drunk or sober there’s no difference. Something I’ve always feared is not being Salinger or Fitzgerald. I’m not them. I’ll never be them, or even Klosterman or Simmons or Gladwell, I’m just a drunk, and I’m okay with that, sort of

2:05: I’ve spent the last 20 mins trying to figure out if I’m going to post any of this. I figure I’ll drink a touch more and figure it out from there (it took me 10 mins to type that scentence properly, fuck you English douches).

In Vino Veritas

2007-07-09T16:33:00.001-04:00

Saturday afternoons in college are a time of recovery and preparation. A time of remembrance and hope. A time of wife beaters and boxers.

It was in this state that my roommate T'Bot's girlfriend, the Wicked Witch of the West(ern part of New York), found my other roommate Joe Han and I, on a sunny Autumn day in the midst of our Junior year.

We had just eaten a late lunch and had settled in for a couple hours of college football before the topics of "showering" and "alcohol" were to be discussed.

WWW walked into our common room with conviction in her step and hatred in her eye (although this was omnipresent). She immediately started cleaning our rundown apartment for undetermined purposes. Joe Han and I were baffled by this behavior but were certainly not interested in bringing it to an end. We didn't question what was going on until the football game was turned off in favor of some adult contemporary radio station.

This served to rouse our anger and further our curiosity. We finally asked WWW what the deal was. She told us that her and her sorority sisters were having the pre-game to their formal in our apartment.

I almost threw up on her.

This bitchy chick was going to have her equally bitchy friends over to our apartment (with their dates) to pre-game to a formal we weren't even invited to? It was so preposterously ludicrous that I recall looking at Joe Han and breaking out in laughter. Anyway, she continued with her cleaning as we tried to figure out how this had happened.

About a half an hour later, WWW moved to the bathroom where she removed all the reading material she deemed to be objectionable (all of the reading material). It was with this step that we knew the Witch must die.

We went to the local convenience store where we picked up a copy of Big Black Tail, a monthly publication not known for its articles. On the cover was a portly woman wearing a thong, bending over, and looking back a the camera. We put this as the only reading material in our bathroom.

The looks on the faces of these wildly stuck-up sorority girls as they stepped out of our latrine was what Kodak moments are all about. Never has such horror given me so much pleasure. It was perfect and in short-order they would be leaving the pre-game and heading off to their formal never to return (hopefully) to our apartment.

The WWW made mention of leaving several wine bottle for the post-game.

When they left I looked at Joe Han and vowed not to rest until the remaining wine was finished. Two and a half magnums of red wine, or five bottles of regular wine, remained. I grabbed one full magnum and ran upstairs to where I knew drinking games had commenced. I put away the magnum in about an hour and returned to my apartment to pick up the other bottle and a half.

When I returned, our common room had filled with a bunch of friends watching a movie. The Dr. asked me what I was up to and I rehashed the story of the evening. I then told them that I had finished the first magnum and had another bottle and a half to go. This was met with protest, claiming that there was no way I could drink that amount of wine in one night. Already feeling a bit of the effects of the first magnum I met their scepticism with the only response I thought reasonable. I pounded the half bottle of red wine in one motion.

To this day I have no idea how I was able to chug that much red wine and frankly, it makes me a little queasy but it was quite a spectacle at the time. I remember seeing my friends look in awe (or disgust) as I started to get towards the end of the bottle. I then finished it, flicked it into the garbage to my side and walked out speechless.

The next thing I remember is waking up naked in the bathtub. I didn't really know how I got there, or why I was naked but I do remember who woke me up.

I wonder if WWW was more horrified by my naked body or the near naked body of Big Black Tail's cover woman. I'd lay about even odds. Regardless, of the bet, we were all winners that evening.

Bloggin Like it's Temperate

2007-07-08T20:31:00.000-04:00

I haven't been posting as much as I should and that is going to change. Starting this week, I'm setting a goal of three posts a week with two as the bare minimum. Hopefully they'll be worthwhile.

Meanwhile, I have a bunch of recommendations and some links.

First, I found this article to be really interesting. It essentially explains human behavior (particularly human behavior that is seen as inappropriate/stereotypical) through the lens of evolution. Much of the article (actually just about all of it) explains human behavior as an outgrowth of our (supposed) overwhelming desire to procreate. I honestly don't know if this idea is depressing or reassuring but its definitely one of them. I do think the idea falls apart when applied to the 10% of humanity known as "homosexuals". I don't know why they didn't address homosexuality in the article but it seems to be a glaring flaw in their position. Regardless, it's still worth checking out.

Second, I've posted the link to watch tons of tv shows on the internet before but I just recently realized that there are hundreds of movies on that site as well (the icon is on the top right of the page). I watched Oldboy the other day (it's gone now but it'll likely be back, the site seems to lose links sometimes and then has to replace them), it's a Korean film about a guy that is kidnapped and forced to live in a single room in solitary confinement for 15 years with just a television. He then escapes and seeks revenge. Excellent flick.

Third, that tv links site has recently added an episode of Man vs. Wild, also known as Your Favorite Blogger's Favorite Blogger's Favorite New Television Show (in Georgia, the former Soviet satellite). That show is badass. I'm not one to be skeptical about how "real" the danger is on shows like that. Even if there isn't a great deal of peril it still makes for great tv and entertainment's all about fantasy anyway right?

Forth, it occurred to me recently that the term movie comes from the term moving picture. I am uncertain as to whether I'm a retard for not knowing that or if that is a useful insight.

Fifth, I'll likely be back tomorrow. If not, definitely Tuesday.

Radioheadache

2007-07-01T23:33:00.000-04:00

I recently moved. The move required a lengthy drive through rural Pennsylvania. After suffering through a broadcast of yet another Yankee loss, I decided to scan the AM dial to see what type of talk radio programming was available. Three stations registered, one was ESPN radio, one was some form of religious programming and one was a conservative talk show host by the name of Mike Gallagher. Gallagher is author of the book Surrounded by Idiots: Fighting Liberal Lunacy in America, as well as a contributor to Fox News Channel and according to his website, one of the most unfortunate looking men ever to talk on the radio.

I enjoy listening to conservative talk show hosts because their lunacy tends to be less predictable than their liberal counterparts. So I settled in and listened to Gallagher bash Bush's immigration bill for a while then move seamlessly into bashing John Kerry and Dianne Feinstein for suggesting the "fairness doctrine" be reinstated.

What happened over the next half an hour was one of the most ironic endorsements of the fairness doctrine I could possibly conceive.

Gallagher explained to his listeners that the reinstitution of the "fairness doctrine" would require radio stations to give equal time to liberal and conservative voices. So for instance, if Rush was on for three hours then he would have to be followed by a liberal for three hours. Gallagher ranted about how this was abhorrent to the concept of free speech and it was another way the liberals were trying to control the media. He then took calls from his listeners who were appalled by this concept and who thanked him for informing them about the FD and for being a voice of reason on the radio.

The only problem is that Gallagher is grossly mis/uninformed as to what the FD actually was. The fairness doctrine was an Federal Communications Commission policy that required all broadcasters to offer opposing views on their channels/stations. However there were never any stipulations as to the duration of time or when that time must be given. So Gallagher's 45 minute long, drive-time, tirade against the immigration bill could be met with two minutes of pr0-immigration speech at 5 in the morning on a Sunday and the station would be in compliance with the fairness doctrine.

Or for instance, Gallagher's 30 minute long rant opposing the FD could be met by 30 seconds of me explaining to him what the FD actually is and the station would be in compliance with FCC policy.

But I guess that's what happens when you're surrounded by idiots.

Something's Mything

2007-06-28T13:35:00.000-04:00

Who’s bad? Michael Jackson uttered those famous words in 1987 and spent the next 20 years answering his own question. Outside the court of public opinion many of us have misconceptions about who’s bad in the world of environmental issues. Our crack staff of talented reporters (see: me) set out to discern the oft-misunderstood aspects of environmentally (un)friendly behavior in our everyday lives.

Myth: Tearing down the highway at ungodly speeds is better for fuel efficiency because it increases the speed in which you arrive at your destination.
Fact: Due to air resistance, which increases at the rate of velocity squared, traveling a mere 5 miles an hour over the speed limit decreases your fuel economy by an average of 6 percent.

Myth: Turning off and restarting a car requires more energy than idling.
Fact: Idling for more than ten seconds uses more gas than restarting the engine. Also, and this is crucial for us Central New Yorkers, idling is not an effective way to warm-up an automobile. A vehicle should idle for no more than 30 seconds before taking to the road, even in the coldest of temperatures.

Myth: Motorcycles are better for the environment than cars.
Fact: Motorcycles tend to get substantially better gas mileage than automobiles but according to a study recently published in the journal of Environmental Sciences and Technology motorcycles emit “16 times more hydrocarbons, three times more carbon monoxide and a ‘disproportionately high’ amount of other air pollutants compared to a car.”

Myth: Living in the country = Being green
Fact: City living is far more efficient in terms of energy and water use. New York City is the “greenest” city in the United States and cities in general require far less land, fewer automobiles and use little or no pesticides and fertilizers. Further, gallon for gallon lawn mower engines contribute 93 times more smog-forming emissions than 2006 cars and concrete tends to grow much slower than grass.

Myth: Green household cleaning products carry the label “all-natural” or “organic”
Fact: While this may be true in some cases, government regulation for such terms is not very strict. A product may be substantially less “natural” than it claims. Try to avoid products that contain the words “Danger” or “Caution” as these products are rarely environmentally friendly.

They Say Sky’s the Limit
And to me that’s really true
And my friends you have
Seen Nothin’
Just wait ‘til I get through

Let’s hope Mr. Jackson’s histrionics are through, and hopefully after this article, so will all of your environmentally unfriendly behavior.

The Reluctant Environmentalist

2007-06-25T16:38:00.000-04:00

Note: This is the back page editorial for Envi Magazine, a regional (Central New York) environmental magazine. I'll post the link to the website when it's up.

Despite an appreciation for the work of Bill Nye and a sentimental attachment to the Coldplay song, I am not a scientist. Further, as my parents, sisters, girlfriend and local liquor store clerk can affirm, I am also not a member of the clergy. That being said, I do not hesitate to speak authoritatively on either science or religion because after all, I am an American and I am righteous.

The intersection of science and religion has traditionally been the site of many accidents. Rarely have leaders of religion embraced the foremost science of their day and scientists have mostly had a tenuous relationship with the Church. For this reason, the movement to label environmentalism as a religion has seemed particularly peculiar.

Esteemed scientist, er, science fiction writer, Michael Crichton, branded environmentalism as a religion in a 2003 speech, in San Francisco. He equated organic foods with communion and sustainability with salvation. His evaluation of the environmentalist movement became a rallying call for the “anti-environmentalist” community, who has subsequently blogged, posted, texted, and reported (mostly on Fox News), about the “religion” of environmentalism. While much of Crichton’s speech was patently absurd, his message was not wholly without merit.

-Ism’s in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an –ism he should believe in himself.

- Ferris Bueller

Environmentalists, like members of traditional religions, are concerned for the country and the world in which they live. Both groups have certain beliefs regarding existence, man’s roll in the world, and our responsibility to one another. Both seek to effect change and make the world a better place. Both groups adhere to a code that governs their behavior and wish for others to do the same. These elements are all very much in step with the roll of traditional religions and, in and of themselves, are not particularly bad things.

Problems however, do arise as a result of too many people, within the environmentalist community, thinking similarly (or engaging in group-think per the parlance of our time). It creates an atrophy of new ideas and a codification of old ones. This may be a desired result in traditional religion but it is a matter of heresy in science. In environmentalism, it is essential to have a wealth of perspectives and ideas, devoid of agendas, about what is best for the Earth and its inhabitants.

Modern examples of the codification of old ideas include the continued implementation of widespread recycling programs despite their limited effectiveness and a weariness to further explore nuclear energy as a viable alternative to fossil energy. Both of these topics are matters of debate and exploration but both should be debated and explored, not stifled by an old guard and protected by their followers.

New concepts such as carbon captures or carbon vents may not follow the traditional tenets of conservationism but that does not mean that they are not worthy of consideration and further study.

A veritable forest of ideas exists in the struggle for a “greener” earth; it is essential that we not lose the forest for the trees in our search. Take it from an authority.

Linking for the Readers

2007-06-18T23:02:00.000-04:00

The internet seems to breed hyperbole. I think it's the anonymity coupled with the unprecedented accessibility the medium provides. Whereas in most situations in life individuals are held accountable for their words/actions, the internet provides a wild west for any jackass with a mouse and a modem. Then once the initial overblown remark is made every subsequent poster/blogger/whatever feels the need one-up the statement with their own wild embellishments. This behavior has become so pervasive that its leaked into mainstream media outlets. Formerly trusted news sources like CNN and 60 Minutes have become so wrapped up in the hype that their reporting has suffered and names have been tarnished. It's a fucking disaster and not one that should be glossed over on the way to the story about Paris Hilton's penitentiary eating routine or a photo of the Fattest. Woman. Ever. It's a serious problem that requires serious people to offer serious solutions.

That being said, this is the most exciting link on the internet!!! I can't fucking believe how cool that shit is. Below I've put together a bunch of recommendations for your viewing pleasure.

Disclaimer: Not all of the shows on the site have the full series available. This is a major hindrance for certain programs and not a big deal for others (starting mid-way through a season of Nip/Tuck would be much more difficult that joining the Sara Silverman Program mid-way through for instance). I've kept that factor in mind in my recommendations. Also, there are certain programs that I am not going to recommend due to their ubiquity in pop culture (Seinfeld, Sopranos etc.) or due to past endorsements (Arrested Development, the Wire etc.).

5. My Name is Earl: Funny and innovative American sitcom. We don't make many of those anymore.

4. Oz: I just googled t.v. hall of fame to see if there is one (there is), because at some point it's going to have to devote an entire wing to HBO programming. Oz never had the audience of the Sopranos or Entourage but it is still a dynamite series and would be higher if there were more episodes.

3. The Office (UK): I bought the DVD set of this show about a year and a half ago and it took me 3 episodes to fully appreciate the humor (much dryer than Coupling for instance). Once acclimated its a gem worth the time.

2. Deadwood: Another horse from the HBO stable, each show covers about a day of action in the town of Deadwood but so much happens you lose years from your life.

1. Coupling: This is like the British Friends, only funny. The show was not constricted by the shackles of political correctness or derailed by the emasculation of its male characters and as such, the show is genuinely funny and genuinely sincere.

Also recommended but not included for various reasons: Weeds, This American Life, Sarah Silverman Program, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Turning on the Stone

2007-06-16T13:17:00.000-04:00

In honor of an impending trip to Turning Stone, I'm posting a story I wrote last semester. The instructions were to write a day in the life story. Most people wrote stories following around a local government official or resident of some note. I wrote a day in the life of a poker table. It's easily the most profitable story I've ever written.

Before that, I wanted to post a very exciting internet discovery. If you're already a fan of the show Arrested Development this is a treat, if you're not, I highly recommend watching a couple episodes. It's a matter of blasphemy to claim that there has ever been a better sitcom than Seinfeld but this show came very close.

On to the tale...

The only clock in Turning Stone casino resides in the poker room. The clock is there so that the dealers know when to switch tables. When I arrived on Wednesday evening the big hand was pointing to the 4 and the little hand had just passed the nine.

9:20: The room is well lit. Flat screen televisions line the room’s perimeter, fifty or so poker tables are in neat rows and columns, the carpet is generic casino tacky. I ponder the idea of a company that’s business is solely devoted to furnishing and carpeting casinos with the cheesiest patterns possible.

9:30: After putting my name on the list for a $100 max buy-in table I am called over the p.a. system. I am standing four feet from the man who announces my name into the microphone.

9:35: I am seated at a table with six 20-somethings, two of whom are listening to headphones; two 50-somethings, one of whom is getting a massage; and one 70-something; all male. I’ve spent a fair amount of time in poker rooms and this is a standard crowd.

9:40: The massage ends, the gentlemen receiving it, sitting directly to my right, says to the masseuse, “can you tell I’ve been driving all day?” she smiles at him as he hands her the money then walks away without responding.

9:50: I’m dealt a pair of queens and win $30 on the hand; a good start to the evening.

10:00: A new dealer by the name of Henderson arrives. Henderson is a cheery, short, Asian man.

10:25: I double my stack with Ace/King, I’m up to $250, the 20-something who lost the pot to me says “that one hurt” he’s down to under $100.

10:30: A new dealer Tiane arrives, the 70-something’s wife (?) has also arrived and is sitting right behind him at the table.

10:35: 70-something wins a very large pot, his lady friend is labeled a “lucky charm” by the all-day driver who then asks her to sit by him, the table chuckles.

10:45: I win a huge hand, crippling a pleasant, talkative, 20-something. My stack is over $500.

10:55: The pleasant, talkative, 20-something loses the remainder of his stack and walks away silent. He has lost over $400 in ten minutes. Upon his departure the 70-something says he feels bad, two of the 20-something’s disagree, saying they only feel bad that his chips didn’t end up in their stacks. The 70-something is the worst player at the table.

11:15: Two of the 20-somethings are from Long Island. I am from Long Island. One is from the town right next to my hometown and is good friends with a former classmate of mine. All of the 20-somethings at the table are in college or grad school. I ask a S.U.N.Y Binghamton student how long it takes him to get to the casino, he says “If you do between 85 and 90 the entire way it’s an hour an a half” he then confirms that he arrived in an hour and a half.

11:40: Henderson returns and says “Henderson back,” the table greets him warmly.

12:00: There is talk of a hand that occurred over an hour ago, when one player got lucky to defeat another player. Lucky player: “my hand wasn’t even that good.” Unlucky player (with an air of disgust): “I know.”

12:05: I knock out the 20-something from the town right next to mine. He walks away without saying goodbye. I am up to $600.

12:25: Binghamton is having a discussion with a floor manager about what he can and cannot do with his chips. He has over $400 in chips and wants to take some money off the table but “doesn’t want everyone thinking (he’s) a scumbag, cause (he’s) not.” The 70-something proceeds to refer to him as a scumbag for the next half an hour.

12:45: The table has thinned to five people, Binghamton calls the floor manager back over to inquire into the possibility of combining with one of the other $100 max buy-in tables so that we can play a full, ten handed game. Binghamton: “What do the other $100 tables look like?” Floor Manager: “’bout the same as this one, just scattered around the room.”

2:40: A father and son sit down at the table. Binghamton and I are the only two players left from when I arrived.

2:55: I ask what time it is, I can still see the clock but my cognitive abilities are beginning to fail me. Eric the dealer points me in the direction of the clock and says “2:55,” he proceeds to tell me that the clock is the only one in the casino; I promise myself I’ll leave when it says 3:30.

4:50: I stand up to leave. Binghamton is still at the table with eight other 20-somethings. I say goodbye, the whole table responds, none of them know my name. I walk out with $675, they all know how much I have.

Paul Potts singing Opera

2007-06-14T15:04:00.001-04:00

I don't really know much about opera but this seems pretty special.

Chase-ing an ending

2007-06-11T16:44:00.000-04:00

If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there.
- Anton Chekhov

Apparently David Chase is not a fan of Uncle Vanya.

I've read allot of different theories about yesterday's Sopranos series finale, and while I appreciate the episode's ability to inspire discussion, I am disappointed with the shows execution. I was not looking for all the loose strings from the previous 6 seasons to be tied as tight as my stomach but some sort of resolution would have been nice.

My take on the ending: the guy who walked into the bathroom (ala Godfather) was not the hitman because he would have no reason to hide the gun in the bathroom in the first place. And the black dudes seemed innocuous. So I think Chase was really just trying to show how paranoid Tony had (rightly) become and how he would have to go on thereafter.

The other compelling idea I read, was that Tony was whacked in that scene but never saw or heard it coming (ala the conversation he had with Bobbie at the beginning of the season). This idea is flawed - in that we rarely (if ever) saw life through Tony's eyes, and we were not, when the screen went black - but it is interesting nonetheless.

That being said, I thought the final scene was a bullshit cop-out. I've read a bunch of French Existentialism and some of it's fucked three ways from Sunday, but you know what? I dig it. And I always will, but there is a time and a place and the series finale of Sopranos was no place for Sartre to be rearing his froggy head. In my opinion, the only way to have properly ended the Sopranos, would have been to have the episode take place several months after the penultimate episode (Chase & co. have done it many a time in the past), this would have allowed for flashbacks and for the previous several months to unfold at a rhythmic pace. That way if Tony were, killed, indicted, or turned states evidence, we (the viewers) would be able to see the fall-out on the F(f)amily. Obviously that is not to be, but if they make a Sopranos movie or another season, after that ending, then Chase and all those who applauded his "artistic vision" should have to publicly apologize for accepting that nonsense.

GWBG Cares about Black People

2007-06-08T16:59:00.000-04:00

At least as much as I care about white people anyway. I first read about these studies in Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell, and I thought that they were a wonderfully innovative way to test the subconscious. Thus far I've taken the Race IAT, the Sexuality IAT, and the Presidents IAT. Apparently I have no prejudices regarding race but I have a preference for straight people over gay people and for Reagan over Bush (aside: about a week ago I realized that if I included my confirmation name, my first three initials are GWB. This amuses me to no end).

It's good to know that I harbor no racial preferences. When I was in high school, there was this girl in my AP US History class that was amazingly stupid. For some reason I was thinking about race one day when she offered up one of her gems of anti-wisdom. She was white and it occurred to me that I know far too many idiots in my own race to believe we could possibly be superior to another race. That was an important revelation in my life. Not that other races aren't inferior to mine, but that mine, could not possibly be superior to any others.

On an entirely unrelated note, I highly recommend picking up this months Esquire (in fact I recommend getting a subscription, it's $8 well spent). There's an article on radical honesty by A.J. Jacobs, that is excellent. In the near future I'm going to write a post in the radically honest format (this current post is honest, it's just not radically honest). There is also a Stephen King novella that's dynamite.

I'm in the midst of putting together a 'top 5 people I'd like to get drunk with' post but I'm on my way out and don't want to rush it. I'll prob finish and post it tomorrow. Two other administrative notes; first, Wednesday's post was an article I wrote for a magazine article writing class, it's long but I thought people might find it interesting, second, a fellow blogger commented on a story a couple days ago and while I was reading the comment, I noticed that their is a 'preferences' section. Apparently I had it set up so that only people who registered were allowed to comment. Apologies, you can now comment without having a blogger account (I don't mean to suggest that you're falling all over yourself to comment, I just want to let you know of the availability). Be back soon.