Wednesday, September 5, 2007

10 Questions a Northeast Liberal Elistist Might Pose to a Texan

My girlfriend is from Texas. Her mother is from Texas and her father is from Texas. They both went to college in Texas. She's a Texan.

Prior to meeting her I had known three people who had ever been to Texas. My Uncle and two cousins had been forced by the United States Military to take up residence in Abilene, Texas for some time.

I am from New York. My Father is from New York and my Mother is from New York. I have travelled all over the world yet have only been west of the Mississippi River once.

To me Texas has always been a bit of an anomaly. I remember going to a Notre Dame game in South Bend and thinking that I had never encountered such wildly idiotic fans as those of the visiting Long Horns. I was in 9th grade and as time has passed I've come to view their football fanaticism with a greater appreciation as a unique quirk of a unique people. However on the whole I still find Texans to be insane and as a Liberal Elitist I have no problem grouping wide swaths of people into a single category as long as they're predominantly white and disagree with my point of view.

But my rampant stereotyping has failed to answer all of the questions I have about the people from America's sub-continent. So here esixt those questions left unanswered:

1. How many guns do you own?

2. Are you the only person from Texas in your high school graduating class not to attend UT or Texas A&M?

3. How many times have you had dinner with George W. Bush?

4. How many people have you personally electrocuted?

5. What species do you most associate Mexicans with?

6. How many men have you shot?

7. If you were to pick an American most responsible for the downfall of U.S. supremacy who would it be?...No seriously?...come'on...for Fuck's sake, be honest with me...

8. Would it be easier to pick off Karl Rove or Dick Cheney's head in a global warmingly deforested region?

9. Is that gun loaded?

10. Has it been more detrimental for you guys to be associated with us or for us to be associated with you?

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My boyfriend is from New York. His father is from New York and his mother is from New York. He prides himself on only having graced a red state with his presence as a child, when he had no avenues through which to express his distaste.

Prior to meeting him I had met many New Yorkers, many Northeasterners, in fact. Perhaps my subdued sense of elitism lent itself to exploring other regions of the country. Not to mention the fact that I was given the opportunity – by the United States Military – to actually take up residence in the Northeast – Connecticut, New York and Rhode Island –definitely a horrendous way to grow up.

That being said, I am from Texas. My mother is from Texas, my father is from Texas. All three of us went to college in Texas – apparently I am a Texan.

As such, New York has always been a bit of an anomaly. I remember going to a Mets game and realizing that there are people in the country who are actually proud of being from Queens. I had never before encountered such a parade of retardation. On the whole, I find New Yorkers to be completely insane and as a Texan I have no problem taking a fanatical stance on something I know very little about.

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2.Do you have someone else do your laundry and then complain when they don’t deliver it on time?
3.What large land mass is it that you think shields you from Mexico? Hint: It isn’t Massachusetts.
4.How many times have you clawed your way through a crowd to get a look at Chelsea Clinton?
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7.If you call yourself a hipster, would you deem living anywhere but Williamsburg an outrageous insult to your uniqueness?
8.How many people have you personally mugged?
9.If you drink alone, have you ever secretly wished that instead of the “Lone Drinker” you were the “Lone Star Drinker?”
10.In keeping with New Yorkers' utter reluctance to talk to anyone but their therapists, did you start a blog?

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