Lone Drinker IV

3:25 - Welcome to a special afternoon version of the lone drinker. Today’s lone drinker is being brought to you by a bottle of Jacob’s Creek Shiraz Cabernet. Jacob’s Creek: not bad, not fucking bad, since 1847. Today’s post is also being brought to you by a handle of Seagram’s V.O. Seagram’s V.O.: proud sponsor of 87% of Yfbfb’s blackouts since 2002 (soon to be 87.01%).

3:30 – I’m going to watch TRL today. Dane Cook and Jessica Alba are co-hosting. Dane Cook seems like a gigantic douche to me, I’ve yet to see him be funny as well. Seems about right he’s a Red Sox fan.

3:32 – Apparently Jessica Alba won the Teen Choice “Hottie Award”. Can’t wait to see 20 second clips of videos by artists I’ve never heard of before.

3:33 – In at number 10 is J.Lo with a song called ________. J.Lo is surrounded - in a very bizarre club – by transvestites and women who could only fit two in the back of Biggie Smalls Mercedes – she still doesn’t look particularly good.

3:37 – Number 9 is a video by Chris Brown (?). It sounded catchy for the twelve seconds it was on.

3:39 – God I hope Jessica Alba didn’t sleep with Dane Cook.

3:47 – Four inane morons are babbling on the stage in Times Square (the host Damien (?), Alba, Cook and somebody dude who looks like Lloyd from Entourage), I’d like to take this moment to recommend The National record, Boxer, fucking kickass.

3:49 – Avril Levine is apparently still alive. Who would’ve guessed (or cared)?

3:58 – Damien is interviewing Cook and Alba about their new movie. Later I’m going to watch paint dry.

4:01 – What?!?!?!?!? Apparently Dane Cook called Jessica Alba a “genius” for her work on their new film. This is like Einstein calling Oppenheimer a genius for only the exact opposite.

4:13 – They’re currently interviewing a 22 year old about her music playlist. If you’re 22 and you’re sharing your playlist on TRL it’s time to re-evaluate. Paramore (hadn’t heard of till now (thank god)) is currently number three, the countdown till number one has my stomach in knots. (glass four)

4:28 – Chamillionaire comes in at #1. Cool name, bit the multi-personality schtick from a bunch of other rappers (biggie and eminem come to mind), twenty seconds of a potentially interesting video.

4:44 – Just switched over to VO and Ging, I can’t begin to describe the dangers here. This drink is like capitalism, it may not be perfect but it’s the greatest system that man has yet to create in its field.

5:02 – This is the video that everyone wanted me to watch about Britney and this is Seth Green’s (invariably) unfunny impersonation of the clip. (1st vo and ging in)

5:05 – (2nd VO and G – very strong) Gonna do some push-ups and take a piss, as Mario said in MarioKart – here we go!!!

5:21 – I’m watching TV Guides 2007 Fall Preview. I can’t believe Prison Break is going to be back for a 3rd season. I mean shouldn’t that shit have been broken by now?

5:23 – Fuck that, Dr. Phil has a show described by time warner as “Guests say they want plastic surgery to erase ethnic identities.” Dr. Phil and a troupe of retards, dynamite.

5:26 – Dr. Phil just self-promoted his 7 books. This is weird cause VO and Ging normally doesn’t make me feel like I’m going to puke

5:35 – The current debate on Dr. Phil is about an anti-asian looking procedure that plastic surgeons are performing. The concern is that the surgery is being performed because the western perception of beauty is being purveying too many sectors of society (I don’t know if this is an apt description of the debate, I’m quite drunk) – regardless Dr. Phil makes me feel sleazy.

5:45 – Now there’s an Italian that wants nose surgery because it makes him look too Italian. I’m mic and I have a big nose, silly Eyetal.

5:50 – Two important programming notes from someone who is very drunk. My next post is an allegory. If you pick it up I’ll be impressed. Two, I look forward to the next several moments because I’m bordering on black out.