A Relatively Uninformed Analysis of 18 Presidential Candidates Part: I

I've been casually following the candidates jockey for position in the run up to the primaries. I watch more for entertainment than information and I think the candidates prefer it that way. As such, after finding this website, I decided to break down the candidates based solely on their websites front page. What follows is analysis of the candidates' websites, totally (ie. partially) devoid of personal political leanings:


Joseph Biden: You know that creepy uncle who always seems a little too interested in his nieces? Well he's running for president!

Best Headline: I can't believe I didn't know that Biden's book is called Promises to Keep, as indicated by one of the flash headlines. Apparently Biden's Promises omitted "not plagiarizing"

Front page grade: B


Sam Brownback: Sam Brownback has a family. Sam Brownback tilts his head when he talks. Sam Brownback likes corn.

Front page grade: F


Hillary Clinton: A front page sign-up? This seems to be the work of a candidate who would pander to people and change opinion with the wind, maybe even take advantage of people who don't know better for his/her own personal gain. At least the picture doesn't make it look like she's waiting for her husband to take the stage.

Kickass campaign slogan: Let the Conversation Begin...can we start with "Is your vote on Iraq going to hinder your presidential campaign?" or do we need to establish the definition of is first?

Front page grade: D


John Cox: Yikes. Is that really the best picture John Cox's people could find? He looks like he just sat on his last name. (That joke was cheep and easy but absolutely irresistible). Otherwise this web page is about as interesting as a tree fossil.

Front page grade: C-


Chris Dodd: When two of your top headlines are "Chris Dodd's White Hair" and "Chris Dodd's White Hare," you are a senior senator from a small blue state who has no chance of winning the Democratic nomination.

Verdict: The front page is not bad but it seems a bit amateurish. The font should definitely be changed and the "Energy Independence" image needs to be seriously reconsidered.

Front page grade: B


John Edwards: Oh look, John Edwards has a family too! Am I the only one who would prefer a president not have a family. Isn't the pursuit of the presidency wildly selfish? To conduct such a pursuit with family members - especially young ones - seems grossly irresponsible. See Hillary for front page sign-up assessment.

Front page grade: D


Rudy Giuliani: Another front page email sign-up. Interesting that three of the top candidates have this function. I'm assuming Rudy's thumbs up is confirming the fact that he's tanking his candidacy.

Interesting campaign note: Giuliani's people have decided to push his first name in the campaign. All of his buttons, shirts, campaign info etc. says Rudy rather than Giuliani. Three potential explanations: using the first name personalizes Giuliani; using the first name reminds people of the lovable film by the same name; using the first name helps avoid reminding the racist elements of the GOP that Giuliani is an "ethnic."

Front page grade: D

Mike Gravel: Man politicians are ugly.

Pol Position: From the front page: "Gravel's campaign is based primarily on his ardent support for direct democracy"...what!?!spirit fingers?!?!? Our country is in the middle of an arguably unwinable war, the threat of terrorism is an everyday reality, the youth are underperforming in school, and Gravel's primary campaign goal is the elimination of the electoral college? At least he'll always have his looks.

Front page grade: B-


Mike Huckabee: Campaign contributions on the front page? I skull & bones Huckabee.

Front Page Grade: F

Be back no later than Monday with part II