Hit 'Em Up

Before we get to the worst film in the history of modern cinema I’d like to acknowledge the J-train subway conductor who sounds like Ving Rhames. Few things cheer up a dreary winter morning like imagining your subway conductor saying “Please stand clear of the closing doors…and wait for the Wolf who will be coming directly.”

That guy could put a smile on my face in the middle of a rectal exam.

And Now: & Thank you for coming to Lowes, sit back and relax, enjoy the show &:

About 45 minutes into Hitman, a soon-to-be victim of Agent 47 (i.e. Hitman), says “you think it’s done but it’s only just beginning,” the exasperation on the face of Agent 47 was matched and surpassed by the horror on mine. I knew he was right, I knew we had at least another hour left, but how was this possible, how could they expect so little from me while taking so much?

I had gone into Hitman with some serious reservations. I was suspicious because a good deal of money was spent on special effects and marketing but the producers had been unable to secure a big name actor for the lead roll. My reservations were further aroused when I was informed (about an hour before the movie) that it was based on a video game. There are two formulas that I find useful when predicting the quality of a film:

Lots of production money – big name actor = shitty flick
Video game movie – ninja turtles = shitty flick

And a new one after seeing Hitman:

Lots of production money – big name star – ninja turtles = bonding with fellow movie goers as thoughts of ritual suicide pass through our collective minds

Still at the outset of the film I was willing to give it a chance. I wanted to like Hitman, I wanted to relax and enjoy a Bond type film. I don’t mind suspending a bit of disbelieve, I liked The Transporter. But this shit was unbearable.

Absolutely unbelievable scenes:

1. Our hero, Agent 47, wears a suit and has a bar code tattooed on the back of his shaved head yet at no point does this arouse suspicion FROM ANYBODY. This premise might be acceptable if he spent his time in underground vampire clubs but he eats at nice restaurants and walks the street in squares in which Russian dignitaries are about to give speeches (and he’s about to assassinate them). I get the feeling somebody might notice a fellow like that.

2. At one point Agent 47 walks into an abandoned train car and is greeted by a man with a gun trained on him. He too has his gun trained on the man. Then, two other men step on the train and each of the four have two guns trained on them and two guns trained on other men. They all walk toward each other to the point that they are almost touching when Agent 47 announces “lets die like men” and they all drop their guns, pull out swords and fight to the death. The only problem is that they are all fighting him. If they were all going to fight him why did they have their guns trained on each other only seconds earlier? (Alright, that is not the “only problem” with that scene but it is a fundamental one). This movie was so stupid it made me wish I smoked crack.

3. A love interest develops between Agent 47 and a former concubine of the Russian President. I was going to elaborate, but that sentence stands on its own.

Other notes:

I’m fairly certain Agent 47’s name is an homage to Forty-seven Ronin but that might be giving the minds behind this way too much credit.

The film takes place in 5 or 6 different cities throughout Europe and Russia. Each time a scene opens in a new city the name of the city is typed along the bottom left of the screen in addition to the country with no other information. The amount of credit the film gives its audience is evidenced by the need to tell us that Big Ben is in London, England - Oh, I had thought London, Texas, and St. Petersburg? They have one of those in Russia too? Crazy shit man.