Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Martin Luther's got 95 Theses but a Bitch Aint One

What follows is the most accurate rendering I could put together of a series of thoughts I had this afternoon. The thoughts may or may not have been affected by the fact that I knew I was going to blog them. Feel free to make your own assumptions, true story:

3:24: Drudge - Republicans are mad gay, the Allen guy who was arrested for soliciting a man to allow Allen to service him, can't believe there is a market for allowing others to perform head, wish I were gay, I'm excellent at getting head, hair, hair product, taffy, jerry garcia, bob marley, boston, red sox, douches, feminine products I don't understand, curlers, shirley temple, work, wondering if the dumb girl at work is attractive, wondering if there is any such thing as non-subjective beauty, wondering if my girlfriend will be upset, concluding no, cigarette, stairs, marco, polo, polio, scooters, whatever those thing are that Gob rides in Arrested Development, keep wanting to call it a sidewalk, water, wine, alcohol, too early to start drinking? could make this part of lone drinker post, applesauce, apple fights in orchards with cousins, hayrides, youth, winter clothes, snowball fights, snowball, clerks, kevin smith, selma hayek, allanis morrisette, that fergie video spoof that was both amusing and disturbing but maybe not for the right reasons, going to set time limit, nother two minutes, time, high school clocks, click back click forward, ap biology, truncall, jewish, reubens, us open, federer, woods, forest, camping, dunes, sun, beech volleyball

3:51-3:57 - My roommate is really into Bravo and Project Runway was running on marathon when I got up this morning, she's since left but I've now turned it back on after turning it off when she left, fascinating show, I wonder if more people like it for serious reasons or humor reasons, I like it for humor, bruno, ali g, Ireland, flight of the conchords, new zealand, australia, surfing, my old bartending partner, the return of ProRun, delete, neighborhood, spelling, bee, the loss of the bee population

4:09 - one of the primary sources of humor on ProRun is how inept the contestants are in real-life, practical situations, it's really perfect, also funny is how ridiculously poor their personal styles are, every designer walks that fine line between 70 and 71

4:34 - Dowdy seems to be a fashionable critique word on ProRun, pedantic, pedestrian, the next customer that asks me how an item on our menu is get's the reply - pedestrian, I cannot currently conceive of doing something funnier than that, Owen Wilson, I can't believe he takes life seriously enough to attempt suicide, didn't see that one coming, Kate Hudson, I read in the paper today she left Wilson for Dax, the guy from punk'd, yikes that might be seriously depressing enough, I just referred to the New York Post as "the paper"

5:10 - Guinness, Dublin, Copenhagen, Carlsberg, Rules of Attraction, Dawson, Varsity Blues, Texas, Red, Jordan, 23, poker, fat people, the news story I saw today that charted the demographics of fat people, an awesome rant I once read entitled Fuck the South, my stay in charming (not sarcasm) Charleston, Sc, the overly sarcastic nature of our generation (sarcasm), dinnner, plans, shower, gone

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Not Quite my Mother's Basement but...

I'm currently living in my Father's den. It's about as fun as a series of gradually more invasive colonoscopies, but, due to his prime location on the East End of Long Island and my keen abilities as a waiter, it's a necessary evil. Anyway, I'm actually a resident of Williamsburg, Brooklyn and had been living there for about a month prior to my sojourn to the Hamptons. The area that I live in is particularly dense with Puerto Ricans and as such this is the first installment of....Observations of a White Man Living in a Puerto Rican Neighborhood in Brooklyn:

1. Puerto Ricans like to dance a great deal

2. Puerto Ricans are much better dancers than white people

3. Puerto Rican women are pregnant far more often than white women

4. Puerto Ricans have some sort of philosophical opposition to the boom box, as such all of their music is played from cars parked along the side of the street they’re hanging out on

More to come, and more general posting to be done in the near future.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Rhetorical Quiz

When I was in high school I wrote for my school's monthly magazine. A recurring feature was a rhetorical quiz. I'm much older now but I don't think that individuals can plagiarize from themselves so here go's:

1. Why does everyone over the age of 30 think that the "forward" is an acceptable form of internet communication?

2. Why would a Judeo/Christian God spend over 150 million years fucking around with dinosaurs before creating man "in his own image"?

3. I don't really trust this source but...how funny would it be if Jenna Bush was pregnant? (Guess we'd have to scrap that whole abstinence only thing)

4. Do the people at Fox News really think that changing a couple words of the Al Franken wikipedia entry will change the mind of anyone who would go to the Al Franken wikipedia entry to begin with?

5. There are currently 22 facebook groups dedicated to ending women's suffrage. Okay so that's not a question.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Wreck List

Flight of the Conchords - funniest show since Arrested Development. Funniest line I've heard so far (three episodes in): They're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers/But whats the real cost/Cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper/Why we still paying so much for sneakers when you got them made by little slave kids/What are your overheads... Give it a couple episodes, it's not for everyone but if you appreciate their brand of humor you'll love it.

This New York Times article is why the Christian Right hates the New York Times
: In the article an Oxford University professor suggests there is a 20% chance that our lives are actually a computer simulation. The writer goes on to say that it's more like a 100% chance.

Friday, August 10, 2007

A Post or not a Post; That is the Question

I ended yesterday's post by writing that I would be back today. While I had intended that to be true, and while that is technically now true, I did not intend the post to be like this. My laptop is experiencing traumatic computer failure and I'm currently writing this post at the 23rd Street Public Library in New York. As such I have only 45 minutes to take care of all my computing responsibilities for the day and can't give the time to the post I had intended (a rhetorical quiz which will be done on Monday).

On another topic, I once watched a TED lecture (I don't have the time to find it right now but will on Monday) in which the speaker said that every particle of our being is a different particle than those that made up our being when we were born. I can't explain why this is but it has something to do with atom replacement or matter substitution or other phrases I may or may not be making up. Anyway, the speaker used this point to illustrate how amazing the human mind is, in that it can maintain memories despite the replacement of the matter that stored said memories. I mention this because I am going to Saratoga this weekend for a friend's bachelor party. I suspect I may lose a great deal of memories from this trip as or even before they happen, but I hope to have at least one evening when I'm up from somewhere around 3 in the morning to somewhere around 6 with a bunch of friends, sitting around drunk as shit and ripping on one another. There is no greater experience than those times and those memories will last a lifetime.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

The Eight Stages of Job Hunting

8. Excitement about the possibility of a new career - the hunter is naive to the treacherous task that lies ahead. There is a sense of optimism about the future. 1-5 days

7. A feeling of superiority toward those already employed - the hunter is surprised by the lack of response he has received and considers how much better he could perform than those currently employed in the positions he desires. 5-8 days

6. Concern that the resume - attached - has a virus. day 9

5. Creeping feelings of self-doubt - the hunter starts to think maybe he isn't capable of answering phone calls and making photocopies. 10-17 days

4. Regretting every educational decision the hunter's ever made
- Johns Hopkins University Bachelor's Degree: $140,00
- Syracuse University Master's Degree: $36,000
- Not being able to attain employment: Priceless
17 - eternity days

3. Jealousy of the employed - the hunter never expected to look at a mailman and think, 'man, he's lucky,' this now happens every time he sees a mailman. 21-27 days

2. Feeling sorry for yourself - the hunter is devastated by a complete inability to attract potential employers. Feelings of sorrow envelop his thoughts. 27-30 days

1. Resignation - an acceptance of the hunter's utter unemployability and a willingness to look into other avenues of employment.

Interesting link: This New York Times article on a book entitled A Farewell to Alms is real interesting. The central premise of the book is that the industrial revolution in England occurred because middle-class values became the norm in society as a result of a greater degree of procreation amongst middle-class individuals. I once touched on a similar idea in my groundbreaking post Society be Getting Stupider. Be back tomorrow.

Friday, August 3, 2007

With Nobody Else Part III

Editors note: This is the third installment of the lone drinker. The last two statements are song lyrics, from Modest Mouse and the Beastie Boy's respectively, I don't know why I wrote them. When I returned to my computer this morning the word coarsened was up on dictionary.com. Also, my hand still hurts and I woke up on the floor this morning. To ensure authenticity, I have not edited any of this.

8:00: Welcome to the third installment of the lone drinker. Tonight’s post is being brought to you by a magnum of Sutter Home Pinot Grigio. Sutter Home: making taste buds question their day jobs since 1890. Tonight’s Pinot is a 2001 vintage which is probably more of a testament to the amount of time it’s aged on liquor store shelves than on vines.

8:18: I’ve been looking into the Church of Satan. My interest is more for networking opportunities than spiritual concerns. Regardless, it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be. I feel like the name was chosen more to rile up “squares” than for any other reason. I actually agree with a lot of their principles. Hell, the founder even said the religion is “just Ayn Rand's philosophy with ceremony and ritual added.” Plus cardinal sin number one is “stupidity” – I can get behind that.

8:33: Don’t Forget the Lyrics! is on Fox. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen the show and it is frighteningly entertaining. The format seems very similar to Who Wants to be a Millionaire. If I were a pessimist I might suggest that the evolution of reality television has (unbelievably) trended progressively dumber – this would definitely bear out that pessimist’s perspective (if I were a pessimist) (onto glass three).

8:43: I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the current contestant. He’s like a gayer Richard Simmons. It’s unreal.

8:46: Wayne Brady (the shows host, who’s been surprisingly funny) just made a Richard Simmons joke – I wish someone could confirm me beating him to the punch, such is the struggle of the lone drinker.

8:58: Richard Simmons just went out on the Roy Orbison tune Pretty Woman, I’m not making this up.

9:32: The lone drinker was temporarily interrupted by an Aunt who had seen I was in town this evening and asked if I could drive her husband to meet her. (umm, two and half glasses in)

9:45: During the car ride home I was listening to the “alternative” rock station in New York, 9.23 K-rock. They played a song by Chevelle, called Send the Pain Below, I like this song a great deal and did when it came out (apparently in 2002). It’s honestly one of the few commercial rock bands I thought had true potential over the last 5 years. I have no idea what they’ve done since.

10:35: Watching Mad Men. The jury’s still out on this show. I did notice something in the last episode that I thought was ill-conceived. At one point one of the secretaries says to the other “that sandwich is making me sad” with regards to a stay-in meal the woman was going to have at work. That sentence seems very 200- to me – not something that would be said in the 60s. I had another example of the liberties the program is taking with colloquialisms but I’m not on top of my game right now. (glass 6)

11:09: I truly believe the most frustrating thing that an individual can experience is knowing that which they can do well and not being given the opportunity to perform that task. I look forward to serving drinks. (7 drinks in)

11:20: Couple things; so I’ve been watching the “Send the Pain Below” video on youtube and maybe I’m wrong but the only part about that song that sucks is when they incorporate the snowboarding…without that, that songs a killer example of good early ought’s rock. Also, I’ve been punching the wall in my study, this is not an important idea but I’m curious where the studs are, I use to work in construction (also my hand hurts).

11:26: I’m on such a Chevelle kick I just air guitared myself into the ground on my rolley chair. I heard some sort of metallic object trickle away after my fall but the chair still works and I don’t seemed to have experienced traumatic back failure yet – so that was rockstar. (goodbye magnum)

11:54: Finished watching the episode of Mad Men I had been watching earlier. Who knows? I would never cheat on my significant other but every relationship exists on it’s own plain. I’m drunk and am not willing to indict others for behavior I would not engage in, despite my disagreeace with it.

11:57: btw I spent a bit figuring out which parts of my wall are supported by studs. My fists prove much of my wall is unexpectedly sturdy.

11:59: Much of my hands hurt.

12:14: I just watched the All These Things That I’ve Done video in the hopes of explaining the idiocy of myself and my dearest friends. I’ve failed completely. Jesus, that video’s stupid.

12:18: I haven’t made an alcohol update in awhile so I feel obligated. Magnum gone, Budweiser gone, onto a beer called Tecate, going to have a cigarette.

1:02: I’ve drank a great deal of water. There’s no beer left, I’m a magnum and two beers in, I’ve drank a great deal of vodka, I’m the olive king of New York.

1:12: Here’s an idea: every magazine I’ve ever read portrays a bullshit liberal perspective. How ‘bout a progressive magazine that isn’t all about left leaning politics. There’s obviously a market for men that have views that don’t coarsened

1:22: My idea does not disassociate liberal ideas, it just invalidates them.

1:29: My idea does not disassociate liberal ideas. But I think its funny to type that reflex.

For your sake I hope heaven and hell, are really there but I wouldn’t hold my breath, you wasted life why wouldn’t you waste death, you wasted life why wouldn’t you waste death.

12:48 – cause you can’t and you won’t and you don’t stop