Lone Drinker IV

3:25 - Welcome to a special afternoon version of the lone drinker. Today’s lone drinker is being brought to you by a bottle of Jacob’s Creek Shiraz Cabernet. Jacob’s Creek: not bad, not fucking bad, since 1847. Today’s post is also being brought to you by a handle of Seagram’s V.O. Seagram’s V.O.: proud sponsor of 87% of Yfbfb’s blackouts since 2002 (soon to be 87.01%).

3:30 – I’m going to watch TRL today. Dane Cook and Jessica Alba are co-hosting. Dane Cook seems like a gigantic douche to me, I’ve yet to see him be funny as well. Seems about right he’s a Red Sox fan.

3:32 – Apparently Jessica Alba won the Teen Choice “Hottie Award”. Can’t wait to see 20 second clips of videos by artists I’ve never heard of before.

3:33 – In at number 10 is J.Lo with a song called ________. J.Lo is surrounded - in a very bizarre club – by transvestites and women who could only fit two in the back of Biggie Smalls Mercedes – she still doesn’t look particularly good.

3:37 – Number 9 is a video by Chris Brown (?). It sounded catchy for the twelve seconds it was on.

3:39 – God I hope Jessica Alba didn’t sleep with Dane Cook.

3:47 – Four inane morons are babbling on the stage in Times Square (the host Damien (?), Alba, Cook and somebody dude who looks like Lloyd from Entourage), I’d like to take this moment to recommend The National record, Boxer, fucking kickass.

3:49 – Avril Levine is apparently still alive. Who would’ve guessed (or cared)?

3:58 – Damien is interviewing Cook and Alba about their new movie. Later I’m going to watch paint dry.

4:01 – What?!?!?!?!? Apparently Dane Cook called Jessica Alba a “genius” for her work on their new film. This is like Einstein calling Oppenheimer a genius for only the exact opposite.

4:13 – They’re currently interviewing a 22 year old about her music playlist. If you’re 22 and you’re sharing your playlist on TRL it’s time to re-evaluate. Paramore (hadn’t heard of till now (thank god)) is currently number three, the countdown till number one has my stomach in knots. (glass four)

4:28 – Chamillionaire comes in at #1. Cool name, bit the multi-personality schtick from a bunch of other rappers (biggie and eminem come to mind), twenty seconds of a potentially interesting video.

4:44 – Just switched over to VO and Ging, I can’t begin to describe the dangers here. This drink is like capitalism, it may not be perfect but it’s the greatest system that man has yet to create in its field.

5:02 – This is the video that everyone wanted me to watch about Britney and this is Seth Green’s (invariably) unfunny impersonation of the clip. (1st vo and ging in)

5:05 – (2nd VO and G – very strong) Gonna do some push-ups and take a piss, as Mario said in MarioKart – here we go!!!

5:21 – I’m watching TV Guides 2007 Fall Preview. I can’t believe Prison Break is going to be back for a 3rd season. I mean shouldn’t that shit have been broken by now?

5:23 – Fuck that, Dr. Phil has a show described by time warner as “Guests say they want plastic surgery to erase ethnic identities.” Dr. Phil and a troupe of retards, dynamite.

5:26 – Dr. Phil just self-promoted his 7 books. This is weird cause VO and Ging normally doesn’t make me feel like I’m going to puke

5:35 – The current debate on Dr. Phil is about an anti-asian looking procedure that plastic surgeons are performing. The concern is that the surgery is being performed because the western perception of beauty is being purveying too many sectors of society (I don’t know if this is an apt description of the debate, I’m quite drunk) – regardless Dr. Phil makes me feel sleazy.

5:45 – Now there’s an Italian that wants nose surgery because it makes him look too Italian. I’m mic and I have a big nose, silly Eyetal.

5:50 – Two important programming notes from someone who is very drunk. My next post is an allegory. If you pick it up I’ll be impressed. Two, I look forward to the next several moments because I’m bordering on black out.

Dear Person of Ambiguous Gender,

I first saw you in college. You were but an aberration among the sea of frat boys in plaid shorts and Asians in textbooks. A welcome respite from the JAPs on their cellphones and the hippies on their mescaline. You passed like a cool breeze on a hot day in your knee length carpenter shorts and your laceless skater shoes; your hair cut short, dyed slightly and parted to the side, riding high on your square back neck. You caught my eye and for a second I caught yours before you returned to your ska music or Annie Lennox or whatever it was. You captured my heart.

I then moved to Manhattan and you moved with me. I saw you frequently on the subway reading David Sedaris and listening to your I-Pod. You hid yourself from me in your vintage sunglasses and over sized (late 80's) t-shirts, but you couldn't hide from my furtive glance. I thought the world of your uniqueness and was compelled by your individuality.

When I moved to Syracuse you nearly disappeared, I still caught a glimpse of you from time to time but you had put on a great deal of weight, wore ketchup stained hoodies, and frequented fast food restaurants. You had lost something and I feared it might be gone forever.

Now I live in Brooklyn and you abound in the streets of Williamsburg. You've lost all of that upstate weight and wear tight shirts to show off your nubile body. I see you frequently and sometimes you return my inquisitive glances. I love you person of ambiguous gender, I just want to know, does that make me gay?

Derek Jeter is my Hero

That is all. Lone Drinker coming Wednesday or Thursday. Another post also on Wednesday or Thursday.

Korea baseball game fight

Fucking Hysterical

Ramblings of an absent minded teaching assistant

Over the last two weeks I've killed somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 house flies in my restaurant. This is good for about a 75% kill rate. Generally, any fly that stays in the same room for more than 10 minutes without retreating into a lighting fixture or maintaining a supremely high altitude flight pattern catches last weeks Economist in the grill. Yet despite my kill efficiency I'm starting to grow concerned that I may be selecting for a mutant race of genetically superior flies.

Has there ever been a more well crafted musical blow-off than Bob Dylan's supposed ode to Joan Baez on Positively 4th Street?

I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is to see you

Honestly, I feel like 50 Cent should be taking notes on this song.

This is a pretty interesting article about how the conveniences of modern living are making us miserable. Although I must take issue with the Naked Photo Test as posed by the article. I don't think I have a single friend who I would trust with a photo of me engaging in bestiality or vice versa and I'm okay with that. Bestiality suggests a level of depravity that defies normal human activities like friendship. Honestly, if you fuck dogs we probably can't be friends.

This is a fascinating story that does well to confirm the dangers of the internet.

This website is a brilliant attempt at harnessing the power of advertising to raise money for poor people throughout the world. You can also link to it at the bottom of your facebook page or blog. I definitely recommend giving it a look.

And finally, apparently GWB likes doing impressions of Dr. Evil in the halls of the Whitehouse...well I guess his father was given to making outrageous claims, particularly when he requested we read his lips...

10 Questions a Northeast Liberal Elistist Might Pose to a Texan

My girlfriend is from Texas. Her mother is from Texas and her father is from Texas. They both went to college in Texas. She's a Texan.

Prior to meeting her I had known three people who had ever been to Texas. My Uncle and two cousins had been forced by the United States Military to take up residence in Abilene, Texas for some time.

I am from New York. My Father is from New York and my Mother is from New York. I have travelled all over the world yet have only been west of the Mississippi River once.

To me Texas has always been a bit of an anomaly. I remember going to a Notre Dame game in South Bend and thinking that I had never encountered such wildly idiotic fans as those of the visiting Long Horns. I was in 9th grade and as time has passed I've come to view their football fanaticism with a greater appreciation as a unique quirk of a unique people. However on the whole I still find Texans to be insane and as a Liberal Elitist I have no problem grouping wide swaths of people into a single category as long as they're predominantly white and disagree with my point of view.

But my rampant stereotyping has failed to answer all of the questions I have about the people from America's sub-continent. So here esixt those questions left unanswered:

1. How many guns do you own?

2. Are you the only person from Texas in your high school graduating class not to attend UT or Texas A&M?

3. How many times have you had dinner with George W. Bush?

4. How many people have you personally electrocuted?

5. What species do you most associate Mexicans with?

6. How many men have you shot?

7. If you were to pick an American most responsible for the downfall of U.S. supremacy who would it be?...No seriously?...come'on...for Fuck's sake, be honest with me...

8. Would it be easier to pick off Karl Rove or Dick Cheney's head in a global warmingly deforested region?

9. Is that gun loaded?

10. Has it been more detrimental for you guys to be associated with us or for us to be associated with you?

Martin Luther's got 95 Theses but a Bitch Aint One

What follows is the most accurate rendering I could put together of a series of thoughts I had this afternoon. The thoughts may or may not have been affected by the fact that I knew I was going to blog them. Feel free to make your own assumptions, true story:

3:24: Drudge - Republicans are mad gay, the Allen guy who was arrested for soliciting a man to allow Allen to service him, can't believe there is a market for allowing others to perform head, wish I were gay, I'm excellent at getting head, hair, hair product, taffy, jerry garcia, bob marley, boston, red sox, douches, feminine products I don't understand, curlers, shirley temple, work, wondering if the dumb girl at work is attractive, wondering if there is any such thing as non-subjective beauty, wondering if my girlfriend will be upset, concluding no, cigarette, stairs, marco, polo, polio, scooters, whatever those thing are that Gob rides in Arrested Development, keep wanting to call it a sidewalk, water, wine, alcohol, too early to start drinking? could make this part of lone drinker post, applesauce, apple fights in orchards with cousins, hayrides, youth, winter clothes, snowball fights, snowball, clerks, kevin smith, selma hayek, allanis morrisette, that fergie video spoof that was both amusing and disturbing but maybe not for the right reasons, going to set time limit, nother two minutes, time, high school clocks, click back click forward, ap biology, truncall, jewish, reubens, us open, federer, woods, forest, camping, dunes, sun, beech volleyball

3:51-3:57 - My roommate is really into Bravo and Project Runway was running on marathon when I got up this morning, she's since left but I've now turned it back on after turning it off when she left, fascinating show, I wonder if more people like it for serious reasons or humor reasons, I like it for humor, bruno, ali g, Ireland, flight of the conchords, new zealand, australia, surfing, my old bartending partner, the return of ProRun, delete, neighborhood, spelling, bee, the loss of the bee population

4:09 - one of the primary sources of humor on ProRun is how inept the contestants are in real-life, practical situations, it's really perfect, also funny is how ridiculously poor their personal styles are, every designer walks that fine line between 70 and 71

4:34 - Dowdy seems to be a fashionable critique word on ProRun, pedantic, pedestrian, the next customer that asks me how an item on our menu is get's the reply - pedestrian, I cannot currently conceive of doing something funnier than that, Owen Wilson, I can't believe he takes life seriously enough to attempt suicide, didn't see that one coming, Kate Hudson, I read in the paper today she left Wilson for Dax, the guy from punk'd, yikes that might be seriously depressing enough, I just referred to the New York Post as "the paper"

5:10 - Guinness, Dublin, Copenhagen, Carlsberg, Rules of Attraction, Dawson, Varsity Blues, Texas, Red, Jordan, 23, poker, fat people, the news story I saw today that charted the demographics of fat people, an awesome rant I once read entitled Fuck the South, my stay in charming (not sarcasm) Charleston, Sc, the overly sarcastic nature of our generation (sarcasm), dinnner, plans, shower, gone