With Nobody Else Part III

Editors note: This is the third installment of the lone drinker. The last two statements are song lyrics, from Modest Mouse and the Beastie Boy's respectively, I don't know why I wrote them. When I returned to my computer this morning the word coarsened was up on dictionary.com. Also, my hand still hurts and I woke up on the floor this morning. To ensure authenticity, I have not edited any of this.

8:00: Welcome to the third installment of the lone drinker. Tonight’s post is being brought to you by a magnum of Sutter Home Pinot Grigio. Sutter Home: making taste buds question their day jobs since 1890. Tonight’s Pinot is a 2001 vintage which is probably more of a testament to the amount of time it’s aged on liquor store shelves than on vines.

8:18: I’ve been looking into the Church of Satan. My interest is more for networking opportunities than spiritual concerns. Regardless, it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be. I feel like the name was chosen more to rile up “squares” than for any other reason. I actually agree with a lot of their principles. Hell, the founder even said the religion is “just Ayn Rand's philosophy with ceremony and ritual added.” Plus cardinal sin number one is “stupidity” – I can get behind that.

8:33: Don’t Forget the Lyrics! is on Fox. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen the show and it is frighteningly entertaining. The format seems very similar to Who Wants to be a Millionaire. If I were a pessimist I might suggest that the evolution of reality television has (unbelievably) trended progressively dumber – this would definitely bear out that pessimist’s perspective (if I were a pessimist) (onto glass three).

8:43: I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the current contestant. He’s like a gayer Richard Simmons. It’s unreal.

8:46: Wayne Brady (the shows host, who’s been surprisingly funny) just made a Richard Simmons joke – I wish someone could confirm me beating him to the punch, such is the struggle of the lone drinker.

8:58: Richard Simmons just went out on the Roy Orbison tune Pretty Woman, I’m not making this up.

9:32: The lone drinker was temporarily interrupted by an Aunt who had seen I was in town this evening and asked if I could drive her husband to meet her. (umm, two and half glasses in)

9:45: During the car ride home I was listening to the “alternative” rock station in New York, 9.23 K-rock. They played a song by Chevelle, called Send the Pain Below, I like this song a great deal and did when it came out (apparently in 2002). It’s honestly one of the few commercial rock bands I thought had true potential over the last 5 years. I have no idea what they’ve done since.

10:35: Watching Mad Men. The jury’s still out on this show. I did notice something in the last episode that I thought was ill-conceived. At one point one of the secretaries says to the other “that sandwich is making me sad” with regards to a stay-in meal the woman was going to have at work. That sentence seems very 200- to me – not something that would be said in the 60s. I had another example of the liberties the program is taking with colloquialisms but I’m not on top of my game right now. (glass 6)

11:09: I truly believe the most frustrating thing that an individual can experience is knowing that which they can do well and not being given the opportunity to perform that task. I look forward to serving drinks. (7 drinks in)

11:20: Couple things; so I’ve been watching the “Send the Pain Below” video on youtube and maybe I’m wrong but the only part about that song that sucks is when they incorporate the snowboarding…without that, that songs a killer example of good early ought’s rock. Also, I’ve been punching the wall in my study, this is not an important idea but I’m curious where the studs are, I use to work in construction (also my hand hurts).

11:26: I’m on such a Chevelle kick I just air guitared myself into the ground on my rolley chair. I heard some sort of metallic object trickle away after my fall but the chair still works and I don’t seemed to have experienced traumatic back failure yet – so that was rockstar. (goodbye magnum)

11:54: Finished watching the episode of Mad Men I had been watching earlier. Who knows? I would never cheat on my significant other but every relationship exists on it’s own plain. I’m drunk and am not willing to indict others for behavior I would not engage in, despite my disagreeace with it.

11:57: btw I spent a bit figuring out which parts of my wall are supported by studs. My fists prove much of my wall is unexpectedly sturdy.

11:59: Much of my hands hurt.

12:14: I just watched the All These Things That I’ve Done video in the hopes of explaining the idiocy of myself and my dearest friends. I’ve failed completely. Jesus, that video’s stupid.

12:18: I haven’t made an alcohol update in awhile so I feel obligated. Magnum gone, Budweiser gone, onto a beer called Tecate, going to have a cigarette.

1:02: I’ve drank a great deal of water. There’s no beer left, I’m a magnum and two beers in, I’ve drank a great deal of vodka, I’m the olive king of New York.

1:12: Here’s an idea: every magazine I’ve ever read portrays a bullshit liberal perspective. How ‘bout a progressive magazine that isn’t all about left leaning politics. There’s obviously a market for men that have views that don’t coarsened

1:22: My idea does not disassociate liberal ideas, it just invalidates them.

1:29: My idea does not disassociate liberal ideas. But I think its funny to type that reflex.

For your sake I hope heaven and hell, are really there but I wouldn’t hold my breath, you wasted life why wouldn’t you waste death, you wasted life why wouldn’t you waste death.

12:48 – cause you can’t and you won’t and you don’t stop

2:20:

A Relatively Uninformed Analysis of 18 Presidential Candidates Part: II

Editors note: This analysis is limited to the front page of the websites of the 18 main presidential hopefuls. For a further explanation see Friday's post.

Duncan Hunter: I honestly haven't the slightest idea who Duncan Hunter is. His name makes it sound like he has a 1:30 tee time at Winged Foot but his front page makes it look like he'll be carrying bags and figuring out distances.

Cheesedick campaign slogan: Lets Work Together to Make America Great Again...there are high school marketing teachers that would fail students for that anti-gem. Why not just go with America, Darn Right.

Front page grade: C-


Dennis Kucinich: The main image here has Kucinich asking God to make him two feet taller so that he can have a shot at the Democratic nomination. Unfortunately God doesn't believe in his policies.

Irritating ploy: The video implores us to text message the word "peace" (73223) to send a message to the White House. A couple things: one, it never tells us what number to send the text to; two, unless the text is being sent to the White House, I'm dubious that they're going to "get the message" (in fact, they're not getting the message regardless); three, the text message must be the laziest form of protest in the history of mankind, I'd be insulted if I were a Kucinich supporter.

Front page grade: C


John McCain: Straight talking his way to three campaign slogans: The courage to do the hard things needed to address America's most pressing challenges; Defeat is not an option; and Islamic Extremists are in this war to win and we cannot let them, McCain actually has one of the sleekest front pages we've seen - fitting for a one-time favorite who seems to be reminiscing about the good ol' days in his picture.

Strange "coincidence": I know McCain was a Navy man but his website logo and coloring look a whole lot like the more recognizable army symbols, hmm, that's curious.

Front page grade: B+


Barack Obama: Obama's the first candidate not to be prominently displayed on his own website's front page. I'm floored by this. Maybe he doesn't need to tie his face into his name because he's so well known (not to mention he's the only candidate who's skin shades past olive) but nevertheless I'm surprised. Otherwise the site seems extremely well conceived and links to all the social networks (almost 120,000 supporters on facebook as of publication).

Non-cheesedick ploy: The dinner with Barack promotion is a stroke of genius.

Front page grade: A- (they couldn't make room for the Obama girl?)


Ron Paul: Paul also has links to the social networks - not surprising for a candidate who essentially made his name via the internet - as well as a finely realized front page layout.

What?: A 14 minute front page video? A campaign as savvy in the ways of the internet should realize the attention span of their viewers matches that of a Saturday morning cartoon viewer on crystal meth.

Wha what?: I learned from the website that Ron Paul has a son named Rand Paul. I was not able to confirm the origin of the name but judging by Paul's politics, I'm wondering who John Galt is?

Front page grade: B+


Bill Richardson: Richardson's real experience and real accomplishments won't endear him to the American public nearly as much as his real weight problem. I think Richardson should push himself as the real "minority" candidate on the Democratic side. (Also note the undone top button and tie, he must have really worked hard during that photo shoot).

Email sign-up: These are just a really bad idea, especially for a candidate that's handicapped by region.

Front page grade: C

Mitt Romney: I was surprised to not see Romney's pearly whites on the front page, then the flash feature kicked in and there he was. I knew Mitt wouldn't miss a photo op. My favorite is the one of him in a ski jacket, I'll bet he went back and forth all the way down that mountain.

Campaign slogan: True Strength for America's Future...a clever play to the Republican base, there was some genuine thought put into this site.

Front page grade: A-


Tom Tancredo: Tancredo hopes to give Duncan Hunter a run for most obscure candidate to run on a major ticket and with this website he's got a chance.

Amusing headline: "Tancredo will crisscross Iowa, meeting more crowds and campaigning in more towns than ever, as we lead up to the Iowa straw poll." Oh, really? You mean he's going to campaign more as the election approaches? That's an unusual tactic, I wonder if he's also going to shake union workers hands and kiss babies, that might just do the trick!

Front page grade: C-


Tommy Thompson: As the second most likely Republican - with the last name Thompson- to become president, Tommy Thompson is facing an uphill battle. Fortunately he seems confident of his ability to win one percent of the vote.

Front page grade: C

And until Fred Thompson throws his hat in the ring and hires some tech nerds to dream up a website for him that completes "A Relatively Uninformed Analysis of 18 Presidential Candidates," here's to hoping you didn't learn too much.