Editor's note: This is the fifth installment of the lone drinker. The previous four installments can be found here: I, II, III, IV. As always this is entirely unedited:
8:50: Tonights lone drinker is being brought to you by a magnum of First Run Shiraz with a bottle of Svedka Vodka as the backup. First Run: Making costomers wish we provided samples since 2005. Svedka Vodka: Because consuming rubbing alcohol is illegal since 1973.
8:58: Tonight I will be viewing two straight hours of MTV. The line up includes a half hour of the Hills, an hour of The Real World and a half hour of Pageant Place (I've never heard of this show). I wish I could keep a running tally of which substance is killing brain cells faster, alcohol or MTV.
9:08: Humanity has yet to devise a system that can properly estimate the amount of brain cells I'm losing watching this idoicy. It's gotta be in the gogleoplex range. On another note, two ideas I might have pursued if I had the time, money and wherewithall to dress up for Halloween: One, A Micheal Vick jersey with a stuffed animal dog hanging from my shoulder pads. Two, a suite with cardboard bathroom stall dividers constantly tapping my foot. (second glass)
9:19: "Yo Brody, this is Spence, hit me up bro," is said by a white man without a touch of irony.
9:28: The shows over, not much to report, Common's getting a ton of time on MTV's in show commercials though. Selling out is a way overhyped concept, but I'll be interested to hear Common's next record. Onto the Real World Sydney, haven't seen this show but I have Great Expectations.
9:36: Better idea for Real World Sydney: An Islamic Fundamentalist, an Evangelical Christian, an Orthodox Jew, a Transexual, a militant Athiest, a butch lesbian, and move the show to sub-Saharan Africa.
9:40: One of my favorite aspects of reality television just reared its beautiful head. One of the chicks just mediated a debate in defense of not only her friend but "all women." There is nothing more precious than the self-importance of virtually unknown reality television stars. (glass 4)
9:44: "I've always been told never feel, or care, more than anybody else than about yourself, and I can't do that." A character in the Real World just said that!?!?
9:58: Something happened while I was watching the dog. One of the Real World chicks invariably overreacted to an action that was invariably douchebaggy by one of the guys. On another note, my friends and I have this running joke that should definitely be an SNL skit.
10:03: Dumb Real World chick: "The last thing I would expect to hear from one of our bosses mouths is that we're going on a vacation." Really? They go on one every fucking season, this is a surprise? Have you seen the fucking show? On another note, my friends and I have a running joke that should definitely be an SNL skit. This style of Iphone commercials is absolutely ridiculous. Do they mean to claim that central command's instrumentation is inferior to the I-phone? So what we proposed is a series of commercials that would go something like this: "We had departed New York on our way to Dallas when our engine failed, fortunately I had my Iphone with me and was able to affix it to the cargo space. The Iphone recognized the instability and corrected it allowing for a safe landing." Or, "I was in the Congo and was told I had contracted a rare venereal disease, as I was sitting there scratching my testicles I turned on my Iphone and was able to obtain the vaccine via an obscure aboriginal tribe." What do you think Mr. Jobs? (glass 6)
10:26: The Real World's cookie cutter southerner, "females don't fight with females, that's not how things work." This officially confirms my suspicion that the south is a different country than the rest of the United States.
10:32: Not entirely sure whats going on in the show, Pageant Place, but I do think all these morons are driving up rent in New York and it's starting to piss me off.
10:48: So...one of the chicks was saying that she was able to overcome her addiction as a result of the friendship she had established with the other broad. I honestly don't believe that anyone as dumb as either of these chicks can or could have been adicted to anything. It takes some level of intelligence to be addicted to
11:28: The Lone Drinker was distracted by company; one last Iphone idea: The world had suffered Nuclear Winter; fortunately my Iphone was able to locate a bomb shelter and inform me as to the superior way to repopulate humanity.